Status update.... and new blog announcement

Since most of my readers at this blog are expecting posts more about my journey of the heart and not necessarily about my new found experiment on saving money, I've decided to start a new blog dedicated to that purpose. Please visit me at www.farmorethandiamonds.wordpress.com if you are interested in tips on saving money and other topics that center on my attempts at learning to be more like the Proverbs 31 wife.

I will still be using this blog as well, for deeper matters of the heart and I apologize to my readers for letting so much time pass by between posts. I admit to still struggling with both my weight and my self esteem issues... and to be honest, I think I really just needed an "online" break from focusing on those issues.

I am still 100% behind the cause AGAINST Kimkins, and occasionally check in on the status of things.... but that is another issue I really needed to step away from for awhile. I still do my part when called to, but it wasn't healthy for me to let it consume my energies the way it did last year. It's out of my hands and out of my control... and all I can do now is trust the Lord to keep spinning the wheels of justice and pray that He will continue to protect the innocent from being hurt by Heidi Diaz.

For those that are wondering....
my weight seems to have stabalized... around 40 pounds up from my lowest on Kimkins. :( I'm not happy with the weight I'm at... but I'm happy to have finally stopped gaining. I've come to accept the fact that my body HAD to recover from the damage the Kimkins diet did to my system... and I've also had to trust that the Lord will help me get healthy again in the future. I'm not sure that I will return to a lowcarb type of diet or not... because the rebound gain has been so difficult and seems to be so common... I don't think I could go through that again. My nutritionist has me on a pre-diabetic plan that is moderate carb, moderate to low fat, and plenty of protein and nonstarchy veggies. The key for me seems to be exercise, and hopefully I will soon be able to actually commit to doing just that.
(I fell HARD for the Kimkins lie that exercise wasn't necessary... and I'm still paying for that one a year and a half later!)
I'm no longer having heart palpitations, and about 40% of the hair I lost grew back. My metabolism is still a wreck... (hence the 40 pound gain while eating less than 1500 calories a day for the past year) but I have confidence that the "reset" my body required is almost over.

I miss the contact and friendships I made within the online communities during the kimkins saga... but found that staying in the daily lowcarb world kept me from moving on emotionally. I'm still here though.. and still me. :) I'd love to hear from you all again if you're still reading.

I'll be back soon to post more frequently along the lines of this blog's slogan.... for I am still committed to waiting on the Lord to comfort us and crown us in beauty.

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 1

I am so excited about the upcoming movie Prince Caspian from The Chronicles of Narnia. I challenged my small group of 6th grade girls to read the book before joining me at the movie and asked them to look for any ideas throughout the book that might remind them of our relationship with Christ here on earth.

I loved all the parallels that were found in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe... and I think I liked some of the Prince Caspian one's even more.

I wanted to share with you some of the ones I found... over a series of posts. Feel free to comment with your insights as well.

In my copy of Prince Caspian (Chapter 9)on page 128, Lucy is speaking to Susan after they are forced to kill the wild bear in the woods. She says,

"Wouldn't it be dreadful if someday in our own world, at home, men started going
wild inside, like animals here, and still looked like men, so that you'd never
know which were which?"

Lucy is so insightful! Sadly, I fear that her statement has become truth here "in our world" already. There are so many men and women who look just like anyone else, but inside they have gone wild and are capable of doing very harmful, scary things.

I find it very interesting that Susan had paused in her reaction to seeing the bear at first, because she was afraid it might be "a talking bear". She feared hurting/killing something that had good inside.

She was then embarrassed for not reacting quick enough.

I can draw a parallel from this simple section of the story to the whole Kimkins saga. I for one, am one of those that "didn't react quick enough". I was sure that there was "good" in Kimmer and Kimkins and if it weren't for the swift actions of those that could see her for what she was, I may have ended up more firmly in her grasp.

When Susan wonders aloud if the bear could have been a nice bear...the dwarf answers her with this,

"I saw the face and I heard the snarl. he only wanted Little Girl for his breakfast"

He was able to tell the intentions of the bear, because he had been around wild bears before and recognized the look and the sound.

We can learn from this, by realizing that we do have instincts. After we have been exposed to people who are now "wild" inside, we will be able to recognize their intentions when we hear them. We can't refuse to react in order to protect someone who might hurt us.

In the book, Aslan is not yet with the children. But the dwarf is there to help them.

Even when we aren't aware of our God's presence... we can take peace in the fact that He IS there. He might even be diguised as a dwarf!!!!

Wrong Thinking and Isolation

I have been going to a small group at my church called Mending Hearts for almost 24 weeks now. This group is for victims of abuse, to help them heal their hurts and become aware of how our past affects our present so that we can make the necessary changes.

It has often correlated with my journey towards healthy eating, and I've also seen how my time involved with Heidi Diaz correlates with abuse.

This morning, in my readings I was struck by a few things. I don't think I can explain them any better than what is written in my workbook so I will simply post what it says. (My workbook is based on the book called The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender)

Satan loves to isolate people. Getting you alone working on your issues is
exactly where he wants you. No doubt the betrayal of trust in your story
makes
it far to easy to go it alone. But you cannot recover in
isolation. Just as people played a part in the damage done to you,
people will need to play a part in the healing process. But this time it
needs to be done with safe people you can trust. Together, you provide a
sanctuary for recovery and are a formidable force in advancing the purposes
of God's Kingdom. Because of this you will experience intense resistance
from the enemy anytime you attempt to band together to take back territory
that does not belong to him.

Doesn't this sound familiar???? How often have we heard stories of Heidi working overtime in an attempt to isolate us from each other? How often do we see her attempting to "divide and conquer"? Even from inside Kimkins, she used isolation as her first weapon. But we, who can see this happening, are doing what ever it takes to expose her for what she is and set others free from the bondage they are blindly allowing to control them. (more from my book:)

Praise God, the evil one has overplayed his hand. His tactics are being
exposed by the Light. We have seen his plan and we believe God is in the
business of righting the wrong. You are in the process of being set free as you
speak out, expose evil and give opportunity for others to come out of the
darkness into light.

Heidi- I am not saying you are "the evil one". I am simply calling you out on being USED by Him to hurt and hinder others. I know that you are just one of his pawns, and I will not sit idly by and let you play a part in his game without shining light on you. You are in the spotlight Heidi Diaz, and you are on the wrong stage!!!

Now... as I read on in my workbook I was really impressed by a letter written by Victor Matthews to "All who suffer from wrong thinking". His letter speaks to all of us who simply struggle with our weight. I believe we struggle for deeper reasons than carb and calorie counts. Here is his letter. I hope it resonates within you as much as it has for me. He speaks to believers...(if you are not a believer, and wish to become one after reading this, please feel free to contact me)

I am writing this letter to you because I want you to be free from the error
you have accepted about yourself. I know from experience how painful it is to
live that way, how self-defeating it is, how weak we are as we struggle to live
the way we know we should, and how unfulfilled and lonely a life it is.

For some time, I wanted to give you some suggestions regarding your inner
evaluation of yourself. As we talk together, I continually gain the impression
that you have a tendency not to accept fully what God says about you. When we do
that, and I'm not only talking now from the viewpoint of the Bible, but my own
sad experience- we grieve the Holy Spirit of Truth and develop a way of thinking
that will produce failure in some important areas of life. When we accept error
about ourselves, we then develop a concept of self that we cannot but fail to
produce by how we live. It is an inexorable principle: what we believe about ourselves is like a prophecy that we are destined to fulfill!

While I am not completely out of the woods yet, I know the way out. I wish I
could say it is quick and easy, but it is not. When we have accepted error about
ourselves, that acceptance develops into habitual way of looking at ourselves
and then a habitual way of living. Error is so powerful it eventually causes us
to interpret almost everything in its light- instead of in the light of truth!
The result is a form of slavery of the cruelest type.

Our only hope of deliverance is found in the One Who is the Truth- because of
the Fall, our depravity, the continual pressure of the world system, and in
particular, the subtle work of Satan- the Truth is more powerful because it is
of God and it is His promise to work with us and to lead us into the knowledge
and practice of His truth and its freedom.

However, there is no hope of deliverance if we continue to believe error and
to practice it in how we think about ourselves and then in how we live.

I cannot escape the conviction that you have been taught error about
yourself over a long period of time. And I believe the ultimate source of that
teaching is none other than the father of lies (John 8:44) who seeks to deceive
and therefore accuse you (Revelation 12:9-10) so you will not believe the truth
and escape from his slavery. He enjoys our pain and the agony his error
produces.

Where we have to begin is where God starts with us- the new birth. It is
vitally important to understand what happened to us then. A good passage to
consider is found in 1 Corinthians 6: 9-11. "Do you not know that the wicked
will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually
immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual
offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers
will inherit the Kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were
washed, you were sanctified, you were justified (declared righteous) in the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. "

These verses tell us that every believer has had a radical and revolutionary inner
spiritual transformation. No matter how sinful we were before the new birth- we
are now washed, sanctified and justified and therefore the inheritors of the
kingdom of God. We may not feel that we are- or think that we are- and we may not live that way (due to acts of failure) but that is what we are by the grace of God in the new birth.

It is at this point that the error you have received with its resultant
deception will put pressure upon you, and perhaps even cause the enemy to work
on you! You will have a tendency to dilute the truth of the former passage by
appealing to your thoughts and feelings about yourself or to some area of your
life where you have failed or are now failing. Such thoughts, feelings, and
failures do not mean we are not born again nor do they mean we are not washed,
sanctified, and justified. In fact, God has warned us that we will have such
problems while this side of heaven. He has clearly stated, "If we say that we
have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us... If we say that
we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us (I John 1:
8,10)

It has helped me to realize that we seem to have two levels of thinking going
on at the same time. The first level would be that thinking that you are using as
you are reading these lines. The second level is how you are evaluating, mostly
in a negative way, what you are reading. You may be saying to yourself, "Why did
he say that?" or "I wish that could be true about me, " or even worse you may be
thinking, "I don't think there is a way out" (It may help you to read the book
by David Burns, Feeling Good, or one by Aaron Beck called Cognitive Therapy)

So please monitor your thinking and learn to "catch yourself" doing negative
thinking. Most of the time that second level of thinking - that we are barely
aware of- will be negative and will weaken and even ruin the truth that you are
trying to accept and practice.

To reject error we must identify it by evaluating it from the perspective of the Bible and then correct it. The pattern has been given to us by the Lord Jesus in His
temptation. When the tempter, deceiver, accuser and liar said to him, "if you
are the son of God, make these stones turn into bread" what the Savior did was
what we must do. He refused to accept the thought (error). He did not even say
to Himself, "I wonder if I'm the Son of God?" or "If I'm the Son of God why am I
hungry when my Father has promised to supply my need?" or "Maybe I ought to turn those stones into bread and then I'll know for sure I'm the Son of God," or "How
is it possible I"m the Son of God, for the Devil to talk to me?" or "What's
wrong with me, here I am 30 years old and have no following yet?" The Lord Jesus
rejected and corrected the error by and with the truth. He said, "Man shall not
live by bread alone but by every word that proceeded out of the mouth of God. "

It is this painful process of correcting your thinking about yourself that I am recommending to you. The enemy has a very subtle way of teaching us and backing up his teaching by pointing out our failures as well as causing
emotional and even physical support for his work.

Allow me to share a list of a few things that God states about you:

- You are holy and without blame before God- Eph. 1:4

- You have been chosen by God for adoption- Eph 1: 5

- You have been completely forgiven by God- Eph. 1: 7

- You have been sealed with and by the Holy Spirit- Eph. 1: 13

- You are God's inheritance- valuable to Him- Eph. 1: 18

When one is accustomed to negative thinking, one will read the above
statements and immediately weaken them on the basis of some question, some
emotions, or in the light of some past or present failure. A common question
would be, "If that is true, then why...?"

You are a believer; you have been spiritually cleansed- washed- purified, you
are holy and pure; you have been adopted by God; He loves you and likes you: you
are the temple of the Holy Spirit; you have in your life the power of the
Crucifixion, Resurrection, Ascension and the Day of Pentecost; you have been
given gifts and invited to enter in and to participate in the greatest plan ever
devised- to live for the glory of the Lord Jesus; and the list goes on and on.
You must learn to struggle and to live in harmony with what and who you really
are.

Please see your negative thinking about yourself as the sin that it really
is. Ask God to forgive and cleanse you. Surrender yourself to Him and ask Him to
teach you how to accept and live out the truth.

Can you apply any of this to how you feel about yourself, to why you feel compelled to constantly diet, to why you get so miserable when you "fail"? Can you take the risk of denying the lies that you believe about yourself and grasp hold of the truth of God's love for you? Perhaps being made aware of our "wrong thinking" we can then follow Christ's example and correct those errors with truth. The truth is that we are beautiful creations of God, the truth is we don't need Kimmer's approval or support, and the truth is, we don't need to deny ourselves food any more than we don't need to overindulge on junk food.

I honestly believe that recognizing evil for evil and good for good is the only way to go. I now see where Satan has lied to me in my own head... and through the control of others.

Not everyone knows the truth yet....

While I was on spring break many of you know that an Insider Exclusive Report came out explaining and updating information on the lawsuit against Kimkins and Heidi Diaz. It is the most comprehensive news program I've seen done so far. You can watch it here:

But, also while I was on spring break I got in touch with an old friend from Kimkins and discovered something to be true that I have wondered about for awhile. She didn't know about the extent of the fraud or the psychological games that have been discussed so much in our blogs and on LCF, ALC, and many other message boards. I think those of us that keep up to date on things, sometime forget that there is a LARGE population of people who DON'T read these blogs or these other message boards. They ONLY read what goes on inside their challenges or journals. They may have "heard" about the controversy, and seen Heidi's "apology"... but they don't know that her apology was still full of lies, and they simply think she already made up for her "little mistake"... because that's how she makes it seem.

I realized after talking with my friend, that perhaps I have not yet done enough to get the word out about "the whole truth". And I intend to do my own "summary" of eye opening things here today. And with this post, I hope to remind all of those who are already "in the know" that communication and compassion for those left behind is much more important than protecting our own hearts from possible rejection or acting as if anyone still there is just niave or hopeless.

So, the truths I want to point out today are:

1. Heidi Diaz NEVER lost weight using her program or any program. There are NO photos of her smaller than she is now.

2. Heidi Diaz committed fraud when she STOLE multiple photos off the internet to use as "before's and after's" on her testimonial pages.

3. Heidi Diaz wrote fake and false testimonials about her diet.. and even gave herself "praises" in the midst of them.

4. Christin and I were some of her first REAL "success stories", which means we were actually her test subjects.. who did her plan under her directions without knowing that a)she hadn't done it or maintained it b)all the other "success stories" were faked c)the plan was nutritionally deficient d)there was no way to maintain the losses without resorting to continued anorexia.

5. Heidi Diaz is not only a pathological liar, she is also similar to a narcissistic psychotic abuser. (Google it to see the characteristics!)

6. Heidi Diaz often pits people against each other by talking sweetly to you and then telling you "secrets" about others to make them look bad. She loves the Us vs. Them mentality. She is a master at boosting your ego and then making you feel superior to others, hoping that it will keep you separated from others enough to prevent you from learning the truth. She used to have Becky (littlebit) as her confidant. And she had Christin as her confidant. She would lie to each of them about the other, but always sounded so believable and so sweet and you wouldn't realize what was happening until it was too late. After we left, she took Jeannie (tippytoes) as her new best friend. She told Jeannie that Christin and I were the enemy. She told Jeannie that Christin and I were the ones who were lying, and even had Jeannie convinced that we were mean and might hurt her while in NY. She planted fear of us, in hopes that Jeannie would stay away from us, because she knew that once we got together she would then know who was lying and who was not. Jeannie told me that as soon as she sat next to me on that stage on the Morning Show... she saw me smile at her and knew in her heart that Heidi was the liar, and I wasn't capable of being the monster Heidi made me out to be. AFter Jeannie discovered the truth and left, Heidi took on Amyb as her knew best friend. Read Amyb's revelation of the truth between her and Heidi. It shows how twisted and sick Heidi can really be. The list still continues on and on.. but I'm not at liberty to go on with more names at this time.

7. Heidi often uses fake names around on other boards (and inside Kimkins). Becky has proof of the ones inside Kimkins. Others have proof of the ones found around the web. Heidi even uses some of those "fake" personas to purposely hurt people. She created a blog at one point last year to spew ugly lies about me and Christin. She stole our photographs from our trip in NY and put them up with stories about us being lesbians. (Totally false!!!) She likes to try to hurt us emotionally when she realizes how far out of her grasp we now are. To be honest.. I laughed when I saw the blog... because it was so far fetched and such an obvious attempt to distract and hurt us. I have received emails, PM's, and blog comments from her under various names and even without silly disguises that are sick little jabs at my soul. She loves to pick at my faith, and attempt to either use it against me, or persecute me for it. She knows what hurts me from reading my journals and blog posts and uses that knowledge on purpose just to get at me. (But, it doesn't work anymore, because I see her for what she really is now)

8. Heidi Diaz is NOT a foster parent. She still talks about her "kids" and court dates etc... and they are all LIES. She does NOT have foster kids.. she is NOT a CASA... this is all in her mind... and when you read her posts about them even today, you are being fooled. She had her foster kids taken away from her 5 years ago because she LET them drink alcohol underage. Don't fall for this one! It's just more proof at how she is NOT the person you think she is.

9. The plan as written is nutritionally deficient and has caused her "test subjects" (me and Christin and many others) many health problems. These health problems did NOT SHOW UP in obvious ways until we had been on the plan for many months. Dizzy spells, vertigo, hair loss (in large quantites, not just a brush full), heart palpitations, low pulse rates, metabolism problems, feeling cold all the time, insomnia, exhaustion, BM problems, menstrual cycle disruptions and irregularities. Some of these symptoms did show up early on, but they are nonchalantly dismissed as "normal" while on the plan.

10. Anorexia is developed while eating the Kimkins plan. This is not something anyone ever wants to actually admit. But it's true. You don't have to be under 100 lbs to be an anorexic. Anorexia is a psychological disorder. Dr. Melissa Conrad Stoppler wrote:

Anorexia is a condition that goes beyond out-of-control dieting. A person with anorexia initially begins dieting to lose weight. Over time, the weight loss becomes a sign of mastery and control. The drive to become thinner is actually secondary to concerns about control and/or fears relating to one's body. The individual continues the endless cycle of restrictive eating often to a point close to starvation in order to feel a sense of control over the body. This cycle becomes an obsession and is similar to any type of drug or substance addiction

Many times we do not "diagnose" someone as anorexic until they are way below the healthy weight range. But, at this point, it is already too late to deal with it without medical intervention. Reading the signs and symptoms of anorexia you will find that many of the kimkins dieters display most of these signs. Don't discount the possiblility that you might be an anorexic just because you are still overweight. Others signs include: irritablity, easily upset, easily defensive, disrupted sleep patterns, daytime fatigue, a decrease in attention and concentration, obsessive thinking about food and or calories/carb counts, anxiety disorders, overly compliant, compuliveness, depression, slow heart rate, low blood pressure, irregular heart patterns, constipation, menstural cycle disturbance, hormonal imbalances, loss of bone density, potasium defincency, eloctrolyte imbalances, anemia, dry skin, brittle nails, loss of hair.... do any of these sound familiar???? They did to me, and I never even got to goal.

11. Maintenance isn't something Heidi can promise you. She often told me things like "you can have those potatoes again someday... it's only temporary!". And that gave me hope that I wouldn't always have to eat so little. But, I'm here to tell you all honestly that after doing Kimkins... I have gained half of my weight back. I regained about 20 pounds while still dieting... 1200 calories a day approx. 30 carbs a day. I then gave up and stopped counting things and have put on another 10. The Kimkins diet has ruined my chances of ever maintaining a loss or losing again anytime soon. My body is so deeply injured by the starvation mode (you know the thing Heidi told us doesn't exist??) that I no longer have any hopes of getting off the yo-yo diet train. That is one thing that really hurts. Heidi was really good at giving me hope that I could lose the weight and keep it off (just like her!) but it was all lies. Don't be fooled by her lies, this diet is setting you up for regain moreso than any other diet you've ever been on. The longer you are on it... the more painful the regain will be. The longer you are on it, the stronger the fear hold on you will be, and the more likely you will be to fully develop anorexia.



These are just some of the things I told my friend about just last week. I really thought she knew about them all, because I've been faced with all this since last August. And as painful and as shocking as it was for me to discover back then, she experienced the same pain and disbelief just now. The pain is still fresh for her and will be for many others as well. I am so glad that she now knows the truth and has left kimkins, but my heart aches that she had to learn of it in the first place. I cannot give up in the fight against kimkins.

I have a list of old KK screennames, people that once posted in my journals. I am now calling out to all of you, perhaps you too have been unaware of the truth. Please comment and let me know how you are doing, and whether or not this post comes as news to you or not. I know some of you have already left... but I haven't heard from you in awhile, so I've added your names too. :)

Do you know the truth yet? how are you?
Freetoshake, kickingbutt, 2true, cdgreg1, Auchem Hottie, cynful, msdeevee, sochic83, Alli-Cat, LessofMe, Ready2lose, LWWillLose, Vanillasky, Juliawilllose, bubbles4u, starrburst26, suzy, tresninas, saf72, krhudson1, lilthorner, shezza, ddbythesea, swatkins, LACali21, shawwife, nikki_d, bec913, lameke, oceans, jenabug, nomorefattness, baileyjadip, tinkerbell68, hilary244, shan, odette, pottsy29, ebanks, musicjen, binnyblack, msdee56, emilykate, odirish, kristyleeb123, beyondthesea7, shiphips, Momof8wifeof1, Sher, Songbird, Krysti
Please comment!

ETA: If you are afraid to comment for fear of Kimmer retaliation, feel free to email me! deni@memoriescaptured.com I've already heard from one of you this way! I really appreciate hearing from you, and completely understand the situation and fear that comes from inside. It's really just more proof to me at how messed up this whole thing is. If you're afraid Heidi will ban you for commenting here, or harrass you for having read this blog... please think long and hard about what that truly tells you about the relationships within Kimkins!

The Real Me

I heard a song tonight that stopped me in my tracks as another beautiful representation of what I've been learning about in the past year or two.

It seems like I keep hearing more and more people coming to this realization and hearing more and more songs that express it to the world... God sees us for who we really are.

It's so wonderful to know that He created us perfectly and loves us perfectly. All this pretending and masking and hiding and covering is not necessary.

I spent the better part of 2007 trying to force my body to look as worthy as my heart.

Then I spent the rest of 2007 feeling shame and guilt for both failing at keeping my body at that standard, and at being misled along the way.

When all the while, the Lord has been loving me.. the real me... just as I am. Both fat and skinny, over eating, and starving. He knows who I am... not based on my performance or my appearance.

Listen to this song by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

I want to be me... I want to be who I really am- and I want everyone who meets me to know the real me. I think I've grown up enough to be able to handle it if someone doesn't like the real me. Because it really doesn't matter anymore... the only opinion that matters is already formed based on full knowledge of who I am.

Psalm 139:13-16 The Message

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Thanks Jeanessa!

This week I was very inspired by a wonderful woman in the fight against Kimkins. Jeanessa...
Her blog post not only inspired me, but it gave me hope and joy and a satisfaction of knowing that the world is not all bad. :)

Then this morning, in my quiet time I saw some verses that reminded me of Jeanessa.
James 3:17-18 (The Message Translation)

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characteriszed by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy and robust community that lives right with God and enjoy results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

Has anyone ever really thought about the fact that as Christians we are called to love one another in order that we would then be recognized as followers of Jesus based on that characteristic?

Well, Jeanessa.. I just wanted you to know that I recognized Jesus in you.... and I'm so honored to call you "sister".

How do You see?

I've put together a video of a song that has been continually instrumental in helping me learn to see ME the way God does instead of letting my self image be defined by things I've done or things that were done to me.
I hope it helps someone else out there too....

Self Revelation

Lately I have been really looking deeper into how my eating habits effect who I am, how "who I am" effects my eating habits, and how my relationship with the Lord fits in with it all.

I had a really insightful quiettime this morning and was convicted by something about myself that I hadn't realized.

I know that this is the internet, and a public place, but I feel it's important for me to share what I've learned in order to help others who may be struggling with the same thing. These are some very intimate and personal revelations about myself... someone who I am really just getting to know.




For as long as I can remember I have always had a low self-esteem. I have always been critical of everything about myself and could never believe that anyone would really like me if they really knew me. Just as people would start to get close to me, I would start making ugly comments to myself, preparing myself for when they would see me for who I really was and leave me stranded. Somewhere along the way, I started to find a little bit of "comfort" in hating myself.
Hating myself and punishing myself (through food deprivation or throwing up or binging) was something I felt I deserved. It helped keep me locked inside, it provided a reason to hide, and it gave me an easy out to cry about when I would fail at my attempts. (i.e. messing up on my "diet" and eating junk).

My whole life has been spent in this cycle, and the actual reason and purpose for it wasn't because of my self esteem issues.... the Lord showed me this morning, it was actually because I took comfort in the feelings that self pity gave me. Self pity is nice... self pity protects me from getting hurt. (If I say it about myself, it doesn't hurt so much to hear someone else say it.)
Self pity was my way of thinking that I could punish myself... and my refusal to truly believe that someone (Jesus) had already taken that punishment upon himself.

All of this (behavior and beliefs) pushed me into a cave of lonliness that I would claim to be a miserable place.. but in all honesty... it was a place I took great care to build.
My lonliness was a comfortable, familiar place where I could crawl up and soak in the comfort of being alone. And pride lived there with me. I took pride in being alone. This lonley, prideful place was a place where I could control how much pain I felt.

But today... my heart has been opened... the Lord revealed to me that this place I've called home for so long is a filthy prison. I am sorry for believing that I could control who gets to love me. I am sorry for using self pity and self hatred as a tool to nurse my wounds when I should have been simply looking to the cross. I am sorry for taking pride in my lonliness and encouraging the cycle of sin that raged beneath the surface of my body. And with all this repentance... I feel a freedom and a "fresh air" in my soul that I am almost scared of. But it's a good fear... it's the fear one has as they embark on a journey into new territory... territory they only dared to dream about in the past.

What the heck is inner beauty anyway????

Exactly 1 year and 4 days ago today, I started the Kimkins.com diet. I started it with the best of intentions, and even named my journal appropriately... "Ready to match my inner beauty".

Regardless of the hassles and dangers and craziness in the past year because of Kimkins.com the root of my journey still relies on just that... inner beauty.

While reading in my Bible the other day, I noticed that the "chapter heading" on The Message Translation in 1 Peter 3 said, "Cultivate Inner Beauty". I got my highlighter pen ready and devoured the words as if they were a krispy kreme donut!!! :)

Verses 1 thru 7 seem to be a message to wives and husbands. But, if you really read it closely you'll see an important message.
I'll post in both NIV and The Message translations:

1 Peter 3:4 NIV
Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight".

The Message
Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.

Later in vs. 6b it uses Sarah as an example.

NIV
You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

The Message
You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

While the context is that of a wife married to an non-christian man... the actual descriptions are of INNER BEAUTY.

So... according to these few verses.. inner beauty is:
being gentle, kind, having a quiet spirit (unanxious), being brave (unafraid) and not intimidated!

We can have this inner beauty because the Lord is our confidence. (Proverbs 3:25) He will keep us safe and sound.

I have never looked at being unanxious or unitimidated as qualities to describe inner beauty... and yet, here it is in plain English.

And I recognize that the anxiety I have allowed to take a foothold in my life in the aftermath of the eating disorder called Kimkins.com is hindering me from cultivating my innermost desire.


Now, lets dig even deeper. Skip over the husband stuff.. and read on in 1 Peter 3:8-9

NIV
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

The Message
Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you. No exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless- that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing.

So, more examples of inner beauty for us all:
Be in harmony with one another!! That means, not squabbling or fighting or causing meaningless arguments. Not stubborn advancement for "self"

Be sympathetic- comfort those who are hurting
Be loving, compassionate, humble.

And, here is some of what NOT to do:
No retaliation! That means, no revenge.... not even with the tongue (using sarcasm or hurtful words)

And final we get blessings when we give blessings... and to quote Psalm 34:5 we have one more mention of inner beauty:

NIV
"Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame"

I want to be radiant... not thin.
I want to cultivate inner beauty... not become worried and fixated on my outward appearance.

I now see that once again, the Word is the answer to all of my questions and I rest assured that while the Lord is my confidence, I will not fail at becoming the bride he intends me to be for Him. With a repentant heart, I can now seek that inner beauty with much more direction than I did last year.

I know where I can get some inner beauty for free!!!


He's already paid my fee, and made it possible for me to have all these qualities!!!

My unsaid responses....

Today I will take some points made by Jeannie at the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet and give the reply that I didn't have the opportunity to say on the show.


Jeannie: (in response to who is Kimmer?) Uhm…Kimmer is in fact Heidi Diaz. Uhm, none of us really knew that. You guys didn’t know it...

My response:
Yes.. we did know it was Heidi. Christin often spoke to Kimmer on the phone.. sometimes she would ask to speak with Heidi, sometimes she would ask to speak with Kimmer... she always got the same person, the same voice... no matter who she "answered" as. I emailed with Heidi Diaz as Kimmer... they were one and the same to me... I even signed my "model release form" to Heidi Diaz... so, yes.. I knew Kimmer was Heidi Diaz, so did Christin, and so did Becky. You can't tell us that we didn't know who she was. Perhaps Kimmer/Heidi Diaz was lying to you and convincing you that we didn't know for sure.. but the truth of the matter is... we did know, and that shouldn't be a surprise to you.

Jeannie:I think maybe she fell off the wagon and gained her weight back. Listen, it’s tough.

My response:
If she "fell off the wagon"... where are the pictures of her at goal? When did she gain it back? How long did she "keep it off"? I doubt very much that she ever lost the weight... there is NO PROOF that she ever lost weight.. the only proof out there is that she is overweight. When she is able to produce proof that she at one point PRIOR to now utilized the Kimkins program and lost weight, then we can give her sympathy for "gaining it back"... but for now... I only see a woman who ridicules people for eating the very things that she has never given up.

Jeannie: Did she use some poor marketing tactics? Well yes, absolutely

My response:
Poor marketing tactics??????? Theft and fraud are about the worst marketing tactics you can use!!!! How dare you try to gloss it over and make it sound like a minor mishap. She blatantly stole photos from the internet... completely fabricated stories about herself and others and based her entire business on nothing but lies. That's not "poor marketing tactics" that's fraud, that's a crime, and it's not something to just giggle about as a "whoops".

Jeannie: 800 minimum calories, 1500 maximum

My response:
I will copy and paste directly from an email from Kimmer herself. (Remember, she is the founder of this diet.. and she is the one who sets the "rules" of the diet. Not you Jeannie!)
Kimmer's words in response to questions about people who think Kimkins is proana:

Low Calories/Pro AnaWe are low calorie after ketosis kicks in or with the shake
option, but those calories are identical to post-WLS patients (500 cal a day for
months), original Optifast and Medifast (450-700 cal a day for months). I
don't think we can fight the "1200 calorie a day mentality". Some people
cannot understand that your body takes the calories it needs from body fat if
the calories you eat are too low to sustain current weight. If you need
2500 calories (250 lb person) and eat 500 (number picked for easy math), the
other 2000 are taken from body fat. In Jimmy's interview I meant what I
said about take a Weight Watcher or Jenny Craig meal and remove the
starches. What's left? Kimkins. There is no health advantage
to adding carbs or extra fat, so why is removing them (and having less calories)
dangerous? 1200 calories a day is an arbitrary number (like 8 glasses of water).
Anorexia is a psychological disorder. Do we have people with ED on
Kimkins? Of course. I weighed 318 pounds and you don't get that big
without an improper relationship with food so I have an ED. But low
calories aren't an ED, otherwise all of the WLS patients would be medically
classified anorexic.

I have seen Kimmer on NUMEROUS occasions tell people to eat less, even when they were eating less than 800 calories a day. She personally recommended to me when I started to stick to ranges between 600 and 800, and to drop to closer to 500 if I stalled. This is what Kimkins is... there is no way you can possibly stick to the "rules" of the plan and end up with more than 800 calories on a regular basis.

Jeannie: NO (in response to do you recommend laxatives)

My response:
Another direct quote from Kimmer herself:

all I'm suggesting is someone take a regular dose for 1-2 days and then a 25-50%
dose each day after.

Kimmer often told me that Milk of Magnesium was a mild laxative that we perfectly safe to take on a daily basis and that it in no way would lead to a dependency. In going back over my own journals I realized that I was dependent on MOM while I was doing the Kimkins plan as written. I worried about taking it on a daily basis, so I only took it every 3 days or so... but I could NOT go to the bathroom without it. A full dose according to the bottle was 2 to 4 tablespoons.. in the beginning I used 2, but within a month I was needing 4 tablespoons in order to "go". After I finished off my second LARGE bottle.. I started to feel "guilty" about the laxative use.. and I switched to the Smooth Move Tea that so many others were recommending (including Kimmer). I had my "tea" every other day in order to stay "regular". I could NOT "go" without it until I stopped using the Kimkins plan. This was not just me... this might be my personal example, but I honestly felt that I had it under control much more so than the others on the site. I saw people left and right suggesting to someone in a "stall"... that perhaps they should up their dose of MOM and hope for a "whoosh" the next day. (and these "stalls" that people were having were people who had lost 5 pounds in a week, and had no change on the scale for 1 or 2 days.... please note: THIS IS NOT A TRUE STALL- THIS IS YOUR BODIES CHANCE TO CATCH UP AND RECOVER FROM THE SEVERE TRAUMA IT IS EXPERIENCING DURING FAST RAPID WEIGHT LOSS!!!)

Jeannie: We’re always willing to make positive changes

My response: Jeannie, if you want to make positive changes that will really help people... I think you need to take a hard honest look at all of this. Positive changes will only be like dipping a razorblade in chocolate syrup. It might look better from the outside, and it might even taste sweet at first.. but in the end you will find that the real "core" of Kimkins is going to hurt you in the end. Jeannie, if you really care about all these women who are writing to you... please don't force them to think that there is nothing wrong with Kimkins. You know as well as I do that there is something wrong with it. And making positive changes would serve you and the overweight community better if they were made elsewhere, under a different name, and based on a different plan. You can't layer the chocolate thick enough over this razorblade... it will always have a dangerous center to it...

Jeannie: I believe it can be used safely. Do I believe that anyone should stay on five hundred calories a day to lose a hundred pounds in five months? No. In fact, ladies, I went behind you and I read your posts and as moderators I felt you set a poor example for other people. I really do
My response:
Kimkins can't be used safely. Kimkins, once ketosis sets in will never add up to more than 800 calories. The diet itself is designed for rapid weight loss... which, unfortunately isn't safe. I wanted it to be safe just as much as you all do... but it just isn't. The plan is too general.. there are no safeguards in place. Sure.. the veggie list might have some healthy vegetables in it, but it doesn't ever tell you that you need to eat more than just 2 cups of lettuce a day. All of the "up to's" on the plan were specifically worded that way because Kimmer knows that the lower the better. And I'm sorry, but 2 cups of lettuce 2x a day (your example) is not a nutritionally sound diet. There isn't much in lettuce Jeannie... and if you think that a handful of lettuce at lunch and dinner is going to provide members with enough vitamins and minerals to sustain their bodies on a daily basis... you are sadly mistaken. As far as the 500 calories a day for 5 months statement... well... that is exactly the way that Kimmer intends the Kimkins diet to be. She praised Christin for the way she worked the plan. The 500 a day for as long as you need to is exactly what Kimmer suggests, exactly what works, and exactly what gets the results that she offers to her members.
As for mine and Christin's posts as moderators... I know NOW that when I shared from my experience that I was setting an unhealthy example. But I also know that I was setting a true Kimkins example as well. I believed 110% in the plan too... and I DID the plan 110% all the time, and all of my posts were examples of Kimkins the way Kimmer intended it to be. I thought that I was eating in a healthy manner, because Kimmer told me it was okay... she told me that I had enough fat on my body to sustain me... I thought I was leading others on to success… because I had such success… but NOW I know better. Now I know that the “ranges” I gave as my examples of eating were not nutritionally sound, and my diet was a starvation diet that will lead to many negative health problems. Hmmm but… I was doing Kimkins… does that mean Jeannie, that you are admitting that Kimkins is a starvation diet? Are you sending everyone a cryptic message that my example of the Kimkins diet in 100% commitment was a poor example?????? That Kimkins itself is a poor example for other people??? Jeannie… I agree with your perception of my posts. I came forward once I realized how WRONG my beliefs about eating were… and that’s exactly why I went on this show! I am SORRY for my part in Kimkins. I am SORRY for doing this diet and encouraging others to do the same. I now want to make up for that by setting a better example for other people… and that better example… to put it simply… is NOT Kimkins.

Jeannie: But the fact that Christin didn’t tell her doctor what was going on tells me that Christin knew it was bad

My response:
EXACTLY!!! Jeannie, I do believe you’re starting to see our side of the story! Somewhere deep inside I think you just realized that Kimkins is bad!

Jeannie: I did take it on knowing

My response:
Well, if you really knew that the diet was nutritionally deficient and unhealthy and you also knew that the founder/inventor of the diet never used it herself and manipulated everyone around her for her sole benefit… then what does that tell us about your character? If you took it on because you are a caring person and you wanted to change it and save everyone from the dangers of it, then why are you still supporting Heidi? If you really want to help people… why are you sticking up for a woman who in her own sickness takes pleasure in watching people starve themselves based on her advice? If you really care about people who want to lose weight, then why do you support the business of someone who manipulates and lies to people at every turn.
Jeannie... please, be careful… I don’t think you took this on truly knowing how sick your boss is. I’m not warning you as a “hater”… I’m speaking out of concern, because I have seen with my own eyes how your boss will turn on the people closest to her at the drop of a hat and lash out against them. You are the closest one to her now, and as her “situation” gets more and more desperate, I worry that you might be in harm’s way.




Backstage- Jeannie, you told us that you would make it your personal goal to get our photos removed from the website and advertising. It’s been a week now. Both of our pictures are still in the success story rotation, and they are also being used as affiliate link banners. If you tried to get Heidi to remove them, and she refused… can you perhaps recognize that she might not be the sweet little innocent woman who tragically gained her weight back… and she might actually be the vengeful, mean spirited uncaring woman that we have come to know? And if you haven’t tried to get them removed yet… please do… we no longer “sing praises” to Kimkins… it makes no PR sense to utilize photos and stories of people who are in opposition to your program.

Another Plea to Kimkins Members

Well, I'm back from New York... and I feel like I need to blog about my experience on the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet...

First of all, I want to tell Delaney (Singinglass) that I am concerned for her. We didn't have the opportunity to really talk at all in person... just a few minutes backstage after the show... but my message to everyone who is still on Kimkins goes to Delaney as well. I know how important it is to you to lose the weight. I know how good it feels to finally see that scale moving down. I know how hearing about "the controversy" makes you feel defensive and nervous in the pit of your stomach. I was once in your exact position. I know that the "pressure" from the "opposition" is frightening... because it's scary to think that someone might take away your "only hope". I know that the tactics they use are so over the top sometimes that it makes it easy to "roll your eyes and blow them off". I also know that somewhere deep down inside you might be feeling the smallest twinge of "what if this is true?", and that as soon as you feel it.. you push it away as quickly as possible because answering that question would be admitting that you might have an eating disorder or an addiction.
It's natural to want to "quiet" any negative feelings that pop in.. especially when the Kimkins diet and support site are constantly bombaring you with "Feel Happy... This is Great.... Wow.. No Hunger.... Hooray.. Scales down again... No negativity!!!!" Heidi and everyone else at Kimkins will tell you that negativity will make you gain weight. Negativity will only hurt you in the long run. Stay positive... no matter what!!! Why? Because it's easier to "get drunk and ignore the pain" than it is to deal with your pain in the healthy way. I believe that we are given negative emotions for a reason. I believe that even feelings of guilt (what have I done to my body? how could I have told people to join??) and feelings of shame (I can't believe I listened to that conartist... I had good intentions all along, so ignoring that handfull of hair in the shower was the right thing to do) and even fear (I'll never lose the weight if I don't do it this way) are God given emotions.. and we need to face them because they are only there to help us. Ignoring these "negative" things only helps us on the road of denial. Ignoring the messages that those feelings are sending us makes us deaf to the dangers ahead, and blind to the giant STOP SIGN they are each holding.
Most of us who are overweight... have gotten that way because we turn to FOOD to quiet the negative emotions. How many of you are now completely IGNORING the negative emotions instead?

All of us who are overweight are stuck in this pattern:
Feel Bad... Eat... Feel Better... Gain weight.... feel bad... eat.... feel better... gain weight...Feel Bad etc etc

Kimkins taught us
Feel Bad.... SMILE... USE KETOSIS... lose weight... feel better... Feel bad... use ketosis DON"T EAT.. lose weight. feel better... Feel bad??? what.. no.. not ever... we don't eat....... we refuse to feel bad.

I see a problem with Both situations don't you?
Maybe we need to look more at the "feel bad" part... and realize that it's okay to feel bad. It's not something that needs to be fixed... it's simply a part of life and it has a purpose.

Maybe we need to listen to whatever the "feel bad" is trying to tell us. Food didn't shut it up for long... and losing weight will only shut it up until you run out of fat and then start to lose your hair, your muscles, your energy, your metabolism, your brain connections, your concentration, your memory, your common sense, your integrity and perhaps even your life.

Kimkins might be selling a weightloss plan that works... but I'm here to tell you that you lose much more than weight on this diet.

Stop ignoring the negative... face it, and gain the opportunity to know in your heart that you are worth so much more than a crash diet that will only set you up for either future failure... or major health problems.

Well.. I guess this post ended up being more of a message from my heart to anyone who is still on the Kimkins plan.
I will post tomorrow... the "replies" I didn't have time to give Jeannie on the show. :)

More Darkness Brought to Light

Watch Part 2 of the Video

Then check out the exposure of the faked success stories found at Russian Mail Order Bride Websites!!!!!!!! http://kimkinsexposed.wordpress.com/fake-success-story-pictures/

There is no denying the fraud now.
I am literally speechless today.

A distressing yet hopeful day...

This has been an extremely long month.... and it was all leading up to this point. I have no words to express exactly what I am feeling right now...

All I can say is, please, watch the video... and let the reality of all that people have been saying sink in... it's all true, and today is truly the beginning of the end.

After watching this myself.. first I felt sickened by the "no denying the truth of it"... then I immediately felt saddness and compassion for those that will be realizing the truth for the first time today. I have "seen this coming" for awhile now, and even I found it painful to watch. My message today is for the people who are facing this with the raw edges of realizing they have been betrayed. You are not alone... and there is still hope... please, don't try to deal with this alone. Seek out others who have gone thru this as well... and know that we can rise up and become stronger as people in spite of this woman's actions against us.

I leave you with a scripture that helped me just yesterday... and now I say it to you.

1 Corinthians 7: 8-12 (The Message Translation)

8-9I know I distressed you greatly with my letter. Although I felt awful at the time, I don't feel at all bad now that I see how it turned out. The letter upset you, but only for a while. Now I'm glad—not that you were upset, but that you were jarred into turning things around. You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss.
10Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.
11-13And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart. And that is what I was hoping for in the first place when I wrote the letter. My primary concern was not for the one who did the wrong or even the one wronged, but for you—that you would realize and act upon the deep, deep ties between us before God. That's what happened—and we felt just great.

There is hope in all of this...

Where was the warning label????

I just got back from my first visit to the doctor since January. The nurse who checked me in, actually came and asked me if it was possible that someone recorded my weight wrong the last time I was there.
I proudly said, "No.. I really did weigh that much before"
For a moment, I was proud again of my accomplishments.. for a moment

then, she asked me, "why are you here today?"

And I had to tell her the truth... and with a downward, broken hearted glance, I had to tell her that because of that wonderful, rapid weight loss that she was just gushing over me for... I needed to have the doctor run some tests to see if I had done any damage to myself or not.

She immediately stopped gushing over my weight loss... took down some notes, and shook her head as she walked out of the room.

The doctor came in... so proud and ecstatic to see my weight loss.. knowing that he and I had discussed it many times over the past few years, and then as he listened to HOW I lost the weight (with Kimkins- low carb, low fat, and usually 600-800 calories) he said... "Well, starvation always works doesn't it... but hopefully you only lost weight and nothing else important for your body to function properly."
I had to tell him all of my symptoms.. and I had to admit them to myself first. I had truly felt all along that I was 100% healthier because of losing my weight. He and I both discussed the fact that I no longer have back pain, restless leg syndrome, insomnia, or low blood sugar "shakes" in the morning.

But.. then we also discussed the fact that I did experience some negative side effects from my NUTRITIONALLY DEFICIENT diet. And.. I was lucky.. I only had a few.. and they were not constant.. so I usually just brushed them to the side of my mind and ignored them as "oh, that's normal".
Here's my side effects:
1. extra periods (told this was normal)
2. loss of hair ... loss of about 60% of my thickness if not more. (told it was normal, and even looked it up online for myself! Saw that it said it was common in people who were dieting and skimmed over the part that said "fad diets" or nutritionally deficient diets.)
3. Lightheaded dizzy spells- never mentioned these to anyone .. they were not an everyday occurrence, and I had them sometimes prior to this diet so I easily ignored them.
4. Weird blurred vision- like my eyes would dilate at different degrees... things would get fuzzy and look far away and warped.. I would then readjust my own "focus" and a few minutes later it was back to normal. Again.. I didn't mention it.. figured it was a fluke.. it only happened a few times.
5. heart flutters- never mentioned these to anyone either. Even when they happened, I dismissed them in my mind as quickly as I could. (these are still happening randomly)

Other strange things I noticed:
6. Peanut butter CRAVINGS... like really super cravings... and I knew I wasn't the only one having this. I read post after post after post about people who were feeling guilty for giving into peanut butter or any kind of nuts. So, I wrote this off as "normal"
7. Milkshake CRAVINGS... again.. these cravings were much stronger than any craving I'd ever had before dieting. I heard lots of other people also talk about craving milkshakes, including my mom who also did the diet.

both of these "cravings" were something that I, along with many others, chalked up to a strange coincidence, and I either ignored it.. or caved in a little and then felt extremely guilty about it.
Now, I'm really wondering if there is something in the peanut butter(nuts) and milk shakes that our bodies were SCREAMING for!!! Like maybe more fat? Calcium?

I often typed in "listen to your body" over and over again in posts.. and it wasn't until late August that I started to realize that even cravings were a way that our body tells us what it needs.


Anyway... I still don't know if there's anything wrong with me or not.. my doctor has ordered lots of tests to see where I'm "depleted" of certain things, and warned me strongly that while being extremely overweight isn't good for your health, or for you heart... that sometimes losing it all super fast and not getting all the nutrients necessary for bodily functions.. is an even quicker route to heart disease.

So, now I'm wondering.. where inside Kimkins does it list "possible side effects"? Where is the "warning label", the "if these symptoms arise, get it checked out announcement" ?
With EVERY weight loss pill or plan that I've ever been on, there has been a warning list.. and a "common side effects" or even "in extreme cases side effects" list.. that I always read. I know myself.. and I just about always choose NOT to take medicines that have side effects that concern me. If I had been warned about these things, I don't think I would have joined. If I had been warned about the possibility of these things, I certainly would not have convinced others to join!

The sad part really is, is that I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one with these symptoms until I started reading OFFSITE.I hated reading those "other forums" because they made everything sound so bad. They made me feel bad, and they exaggerated things so much. But, the symptoms they mentioned sounded vaguely familiar to me. They knotted up my stomach, and made me want to either fight or run away and pretend I never heard what they said.
I saw some try to fight them....
and I resorted to my usual, curl up and ignore it technique for awhile.

If I did mention my worries to others inside Kimkins I only got pats on the back and reassurances that of course everything would be fine, and "that's normal, don't worry!"

And NOW.. it's even worse.. if you even ask about a negative effect, you're likely to be "accused" of stirring up the pot, or if you point out your negative side effects, you're likely to get banned. :(

How is that safe for other members??? Shouldn't everyone be made aware of symptoms to be on the look out for? I'm sure there are lots more negative effects that I didn't have... and from the stories I've heard elsewhere.. I can only count myself lucky.

This is not a joking matter, this is not time for a "band-aid" announcement that "of course, you should always check with your doctor". Or even comments to make those of us who "ignored symptoms" appear stupid or crazy or "extreme". This is time to get real and time to take your health seriously.

How many of you truly talked to your doctors about your plan?
Did you show him the food list?
Did you mention that you really only eat a few items on that list?
Did you show him your fitday?
Did you write symptoms off as normal because you heard someone else had the same thing?

I said that one of the reasons why I wanted to lose weight was because I wanted to be here long enough to see my kids and future grand kids grow up.

Now, it's possible that losing weight has lowered the chances of that actually happening.

I remember when we often joked about how Kimkins didn't need that little small print disclaimer of "results not typical" on our success stories.

Perhaps she does need to put up a disclaimer that "results ARE typical" on the side effects listing!!!

If you're still doing Kimkins, as written or not... please stop for awhile and really take a look at your own symptoms. Don't glorify your "pros" list and minimize your "cons" list.

You can get those "pros" with lots of safe plans, and eliminate the cons. Just think about it. And don't ignore the promptings of your heart right now.

Can you see the flies?

I need to start today's post by getting back to where my heart really is. Rooted in my Savior...

Ecclesiastes 10:1-4;12-13
As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so folly outweighs wisdom and honor.
The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.
Even as he walks along the road, the fool lacks sense and shows everyone how stupid he is.
If a ruler's anger rises against you,
do not leave your post;
calmness can lay great errors to rest.
Words from a wise man's mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips.
At the beginning his words are folly;
at they end they are wicked madness- and the fool mulitplies his words.

Kimkins to me... was my "perfume".. it was my hope and my answer... but it now has a "bad smell". No matter how many wise and honorable people are still there now... they can't outweigh the "folly" that remains.

I am unsure of Kimmer's reasons for allowing me to get back into Kimkins, and I did return there to download my journal for memory sake... but I feel very cautious and leery of this "apology" by Kimmer and will not be returning again. I know that she is angry with me, and with others who are now speaking out... and I can't leave my "post"... I need to remain "calm" and stay here... at my bench.. where my words can't be turned into something meaningless.
I do not want my words to be used like those of the fool...

Ecclesiastes 7:5-9
It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke
than to listen to the song of fools.
Like the crackling of thorns under the pot,
so is the laughter of fools,
this too is meaningless.
Extortion turns a wise man into a fool,
and a bribe corrupts the heart.
The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.
Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.

I know this verse might hurt some of you... for it hurt me a few weeks ago. It's not easy to admit when we are wrong... especially when our "wrongness" was simply in listening to "the song of fools". I hope that each of you will examine your own hearts, and walk with patience... without anger... and without the laughter of fools as well.


Know this.. the beginning... is over...
this is the end... and I don't want anyone caught in the "wicked madness" that is soon to come.

No more pretending....

I recently over"heard" someone saying.. "It seems like we're going on as if nothing is wrong, Isn't something wrong here?"

And it truly reminded me of something from my childhood.

This whole situation, reminds me of dysfunction in my own family when I was growing up. For those of you who grew up in perfectly normal healthy families.. you probably won't understand this post.. but to the rest of you... I'm quite certain I'm not alone in this feeling.

I remember feeling like the person who I "overheard" when I was a child.

I remember wondering why no one was talking about the obvious problem we were having.. and I even remember wanting to scream it... "HEY.. Something is WRONG here.. why are you pretending like everything is fine??"... but.. there was a strong power in the "pretend" factor in my family... and I only screamed them out in my head. But, the silence was deafening...

I remember loving the person who was causing me pain, and loving the people who ignored it and looked away when I needed them the most. And I remember grasping for the strength that the "unity" of our "pretending" gave us. I knew somehow, that IF I did get up and shout "This is wrong!!" that it would divide us... and perhaps hurt even more. So, I pretended... and hid... and wasted YEARS of my life shutting out the truth of who I was in order to protect the power of the pretend story.

I recognize that this is happening right now, and that there are lots of ADULTS who are getting stuck in the "pretend this isn't happening" mode. Even the one who is causing the pain is pretending there's nothing wrong.

I am here to tell you all, that when you get glared at for asking questions, and hushed for wondering things.... it's because it goes against the whole "pretend this problem isn't here" syndrome. Please don't let this go on. Don't allow yourself to quiet your own instincts. Don't think that speaking your mind, or asking your questions will have to mean you've betrayed someone. The truth is, that by quieting your questions, and ignoring the "red flags" that go up in your heart... you are betraying yourself. We are all grown ups now... it's time to stand up and stop being afraid. Time to stop being afraid of believing in OURSELVES. Time to stop being afraid of rocking the boat... time to stop pretending that something just doesn't feel right about this whole situation. And time, once and for all... to be responsible in a position so similar to the ones that remind us of our childhood... and be the adult who says "That's enough".

I know I wished that someone in my family would have stood up and said that when I was a child. I couldn't do it then... for I was young. But now, I am all grown up... and I won't force others to wonder why I wasn't "making it stop".

And I can stand up and say "This isn't right", and still love and be willing to help at the same time. Whether or not my "family" chooses to accept that love and help is up to them... but it doesn't change the fact that I do love them, just as my Father in heaven does.

By not pretending, you are saying that you are going to betray the secret... but that doesn't mean you are betraying the people involved. Imagine this was like when I was a child. If you had been able to prevent me from getting hurt just by speaking up and telling my family that what you had seen wasn't right? Would you have? Would that mean you were betraying the person that was hurting me? OR would it just mean that you were shining a light in the darkness? Perhaps the person that was hurting me was so deep in the dark that he didn't even know it was wrong anymore!

Just think about it okay? I know it's a different situation.. but the underlying patterns are exactly the same whether you recongize it yet or not.

I am not pretending anymore that nothing is wrong. What about you?

Feeling Light with Forgiveness

I just posted this on my little message board... but I think it's important that I continue to share from my heart out here on my blog!

You can comment here.. or if you want more privacy, you can comment in on the message board. :)
Here's my post:

Have you ever stopped to think about why you feel certian things sometimes? I've noticed lately that my mood really has a lot to do with how I feel physically. When I am worried or anxious... or angry and resentful.. my stomach is in knots, my shoulders hurt and the effort to even frown seems to be too much. I "feel" fatter on days when I'm grumpy.. my pants seem to be too tight, and the image in the mirror.. with it's complimentary frown.. is not something I can be proud of. My husband and my kids can always tell right away when something is wrong with me.. dh describes my mood as "heavy".
And I recognize now.. that is part of what kept me so "heavy" for so long. I might have faked my smiles and told everyone I was fine.. and gone about my life ignoring my physical pains.. but deep inside.. I felt all these reactions to being hurt.. and staying hurt... stubbornly staying miserable.

And then.. somewhere along this journey. I discovered that people weren't something to be afraid of. People weren't something to keep at arms length away. People didn't see me they way my physical condition felt.I also discovered that the more I opened up to people.. the better I started to feel. I learned that people were glad to be around me... and people were happy to know me. And that felt good. That was the beginnings of my learning about joy.

I didn't need food to make me feel good.. I now had people in my life who read my thoughts (literally) and liked me! I remember a few pages in my Kimkins journal... when I mentioned realizing that people liked me.. and for like 2 pages.. I had people come in and just tell me that they liked me. It felt wierd at first.. but it did something inside me and it energized me and filled my heart with something more important than what I was filling my stomach with. Acceptance.
Then... somewhere along the way... I got into the whole "drama" and ended up finding out that lots of people didn't like me! (well, I guess that's kind of harsh, since those people didn't even know me...) but anyway.. they said things to me that made me feel very NOT LIKED.. and it hurt. BUT.. it didn't take away all the good stuff I had already learned. It made me feel sympathy!
I almost took that negative stuff and let it get to me. I almost let it build up in my stomach, my shoulders, my face.. my heart.... but I realized quickly how HEAVY it was making me feel. So.. I went deep into prayer.. and came back to feeling the joy that I had been taught for the past 8 months. And I discovered that JOY is much more powerful than any of those negative feelings!
so.. I dug a little deeper... and realized that the reason why the things those people said made me so upset had nothing to do with today's events. What they were saying was hurting me, because I had grown up with a fear of dissapointing others. (I'm sharing this here.. because I have a feeling that I'm not the only one!) so... thru prayer.. I let the Lord show me WHY i feared dissappointing others so much. And you know what? I found out it was because someone had dissappointed me a long time ago... and I had never forgiven that person.
So... that's what happened to me this past week. I forgave that person.. 100% completely free and clear for the way that they had dissappointed me. It was like a light being turned on in my head when I did it... a light that showed me suddenly that my fear of being hurt had robbed me of many years of relating to that person in a healthy way. And... the only way to "make up" for that... was with real forgiveness... of her.. and of myself.
Guess what... It feels so much better now! :)
I honestly feel "lighter" because of it, and my stomach isn't knotting up in response to all of "today's drama", and my shoulders are relaxed, and my face is relaxed. There is a power in forgiveness that will help us with our weight problems.. and even more so with our self esteem. Holding a grudge, subconsiously... forces us to "carry a weight" that we don't need to carry. so try it... let it go! Forgive whoever has hurt you.. and let your JOY be full! :) :)

Welcome to My Open Bench

The story behind this blog: (A copy of the post on my last blog)

Today's post has been being formed in my mind for the past 2 or 3 weeks now. As some of my Kimkins friends know.. I have really been seeking the Lord's guidance, and I have been praying without ceasing. He has been giving me strength, encouragement, and now courage to do what I must do.
He gave me a vision a few weeks ago... of Kimkins as a "fast moving train"... seeing that train in my vision was scary to watch.. and then I saw myself sitting alone on a bench watching the train go by. Then people saw me there, and would come sit with me on the bench. We put up a few "signs" to tell people who were getting on and off the train that over here on my "bench" things were all about support and friendship and healing, and that the Lord was going to be with us on the bench. When I first had this vision, I felt that the Lord was telling me to stay at Kimkins, but to be more like a quiet presence of peace instead of the loud train conductor. So... that is what I have been doing. But now.. I am recognizing that the bench was NOT ON THE TRAIN!
I know that some people have seen my "signs" inside of Kimkins and they have told me that they have been touched by my presence, to them I pray that they will still look for me and try to understand this post without feeling betrayed. I also know that there are people outside of Kimkins who have been judging my actions and accusing me of blindness. To those people, I must say, that I have not had a "log in my eye"... and I have already had my heart and mind judged by the most high.. and that I have no need for their judgements or "shame tactics". I have been, and still am following the promtings of God.. and I have been waiting upon HIS timing for everything. To be honest.. in response to some of the personal attacks.. I see them as that.. attacks from Satan who knows that things like that tend to make me stubborn!!! So.. I am submitting to the Lord's will in this rather than reacting to those attacks the way that Satan wanted me to!
In case you haven't figured it out yet.. I am leaving Kimkins. I am leaving because I have learned some things that make me doubt the integrity of the founder, and because I have been used for purposes that go against my personality, my moral, and my conscience. I was decieved, and yet.. I still do not regret or doubt that the Lord called me to be there.. I simply accept now, that my work there is done.. and that the plans HE had for me there.. have been completed.
I will be starting a new blog... without the Kimkins address attached to it.. and will continue to keep my FOCUS on the work that God is doing in my life to turn me into a healthy example of HIS glory and creation. I know that He intended for me to learn a healthier way of eating.. and he his still teaching me about that. I also know that He wants to continue to use me as a witness to other hurting people.
He wants desperately to heal the INNER hurts that we have, and that takes time. I am NOT a finished work yet.... so I will go and sit on my bench now, and let God continue to reform me in His image.