Fat

Fat is one of the ugliest words in my vocabulary. I hate the word and I hate the way it looks on my body. I'm disgusted by fat now more than ever.

But there's more to "fat" than I ever thought. Did you know it's mentioned 95 times in the Bible?

I noticed today that there are quite a few occasions where the scriptures use the word fat in the same sentence as "around the inner parts" or "covers the inner parts".

It dawned on me this morning.... there's more to this phrase than "location on an animal". Fat is almost always used to cover up something else. Fat has a purpose. Fat comforts, and fat protects... and mostly fat COVERs.

God doesn't find fat disgusting or ugly.. and he doesn't hate it the way I do.

Leviticus 3: 16 "All the fat is the Lord's"

Over and over again in the old testament, it can be found that "the aroma of the offering of fat is pleasing to the Lord". (paraphrase Lev. 17:6)

So... can I apply this to my own life? No, I am not going to go literal on you all here and suggest that it's time to cut the fat and burn it for the Lord... don't worry. Actually, what I am doing is much more difficult and an even greater sacrifice on my part.

It's time to offer my "inner most coverings" to the Lord spiritually. It's time to remove my emotional fat and let Him burn it to his pleasure. I can not hold onto it and keep it for myself.

My "inner parts" are painful to look at. But, I trust that my Savior will be the one to cover me when I need covering... He will rejoice at my offering and be pleased. And I can be pleased to look at me too. I can then see what he see's.. a great and pleasing offering. A sacrifice that is worth more than money. He knows that my "fat coverings" are there for a reason, and He knows that I went through much and therefore needed much coverings... and He will rejoice to see that I have finally granted him permission to be my only covering. My inner parts are wholly His. I offer my fat to Him, and rejoice in no longer needing it.

A quote that leads me to take another step...

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our worst fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves the question, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?" Actually who are you not to be.You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in us, it is in everyone and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

~Nelson Mandela

I bolded one part that really made me sit up and take notice. How often have I shrunk back from being fully who I am.. for fear of rejection? How often have I minimized who I am in order to simply fit in with the crowd?

Perhaps I have allowed myself to fail over and over again.. on purpose... to minimze my strength and my power that comes from the Lord.

Not this time. This time I will be liberated from fear and I will walk proudly in the Glory that the Lord shines through my life. I will not hold back or refute the praises that my God deserves!

In the words of one of my favorite singers Jonathan David Helser,

"I will dance on the chains of my circumstance, walk on the waves of the storm, nothing is impossible for those who believe God is Love."

Wrong Thinking and Isolation

I have been going to a small group at my church called Mending Hearts for almost 24 weeks now. This group is for victims of abuse, to help them heal their hurts and become aware of how our past affects our present so that we can make the necessary changes.

It has often correlated with my journey towards healthy eating, and I've also seen how my time involved with Heidi Diaz correlates with abuse.

This morning, in my readings I was struck by a few things. I don't think I can explain them any better than what is written in my workbook so I will simply post what it says. (My workbook is based on the book called The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender)

Satan loves to isolate people. Getting you alone working on your issues is
exactly where he wants you. No doubt the betrayal of trust in your story
makes
it far to easy to go it alone. But you cannot recover in
isolation. Just as people played a part in the damage done to you,
people will need to play a part in the healing process. But this time it
needs to be done with safe people you can trust. Together, you provide a
sanctuary for recovery and are a formidable force in advancing the purposes
of God's Kingdom. Because of this you will experience intense resistance
from the enemy anytime you attempt to band together to take back territory
that does not belong to him.

Doesn't this sound familiar???? How often have we heard stories of Heidi working overtime in an attempt to isolate us from each other? How often do we see her attempting to "divide and conquer"? Even from inside Kimkins, she used isolation as her first weapon. But we, who can see this happening, are doing what ever it takes to expose her for what she is and set others free from the bondage they are blindly allowing to control them. (more from my book:)

Praise God, the evil one has overplayed his hand. His tactics are being
exposed by the Light. We have seen his plan and we believe God is in the
business of righting the wrong. You are in the process of being set free as you
speak out, expose evil and give opportunity for others to come out of the
darkness into light.

Heidi- I am not saying you are "the evil one". I am simply calling you out on being USED by Him to hurt and hinder others. I know that you are just one of his pawns, and I will not sit idly by and let you play a part in his game without shining light on you. You are in the spotlight Heidi Diaz, and you are on the wrong stage!!!

Now... as I read on in my workbook I was really impressed by a letter written by Victor Matthews to "All who suffer from wrong thinking". His letter speaks to all of us who simply struggle with our weight. I believe we struggle for deeper reasons than carb and calorie counts. Here is his letter. I hope it resonates within you as much as it has for me. He speaks to believers...(if you are not a believer, and wish to become one after reading this, please feel free to contact me)

I am writing this letter to you because I want you to be free from the error
you have accepted about yourself. I know from experience how painful it is to
live that way, how self-defeating it is, how weak we are as we struggle to live
the way we know we should, and how unfulfilled and lonely a life it is.

For some time, I wanted to give you some suggestions regarding your inner
evaluation of yourself. As we talk together, I continually gain the impression
that you have a tendency not to accept fully what God says about you. When we do
that, and I'm not only talking now from the viewpoint of the Bible, but my own
sad experience- we grieve the Holy Spirit of Truth and develop a way of thinking
that will produce failure in some important areas of life. When we accept error
about ourselves, we then develop a concept of self that we cannot but fail to
produce by how we live. It is an inexorable principle: what we believe about ourselves is like a prophecy that we are destined to fulfill!

While I am not completely out of the woods yet, I know the way out. I wish I
could say it is quick and easy, but it is not. When we have accepted error about
ourselves, that acceptance develops into habitual way of looking at ourselves
and then a habitual way of living. Error is so powerful it eventually causes us
to interpret almost everything in its light- instead of in the light of truth!
The result is a form of slavery of the cruelest type.

Our only hope of deliverance is found in the One Who is the Truth- because of
the Fall, our depravity, the continual pressure of the world system, and in
particular, the subtle work of Satan- the Truth is more powerful because it is
of God and it is His promise to work with us and to lead us into the knowledge
and practice of His truth and its freedom.

However, there is no hope of deliverance if we continue to believe error and
to practice it in how we think about ourselves and then in how we live.

I cannot escape the conviction that you have been taught error about
yourself over a long period of time. And I believe the ultimate source of that
teaching is none other than the father of lies (John 8:44) who seeks to deceive
and therefore accuse you (Revelation 12:9-10) so you will not believe the truth
and escape from his slavery. He enjoys our pain and the agony his error
produces.

Where we have to begin is where God starts with us- the new birth. It is
vitally important to understand what happened to us then. A good passage to
consider is found in 1 Corinthians 6: 9-11. "Do you not know that the wicked
will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually
immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual
offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers
will inherit the Kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were
washed, you were sanctified, you were justified (declared righteous) in the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. "

These verses tell us that every believer has had a radical and revolutionary inner
spiritual transformation. No matter how sinful we were before the new birth- we
are now washed, sanctified and justified and therefore the inheritors of the
kingdom of God. We may not feel that we are- or think that we are- and we may not live that way (due to acts of failure) but that is what we are by the grace of God in the new birth.

It is at this point that the error you have received with its resultant
deception will put pressure upon you, and perhaps even cause the enemy to work
on you! You will have a tendency to dilute the truth of the former passage by
appealing to your thoughts and feelings about yourself or to some area of your
life where you have failed or are now failing. Such thoughts, feelings, and
failures do not mean we are not born again nor do they mean we are not washed,
sanctified, and justified. In fact, God has warned us that we will have such
problems while this side of heaven. He has clearly stated, "If we say that we
have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us... If we say that
we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us (I John 1:
8,10)

It has helped me to realize that we seem to have two levels of thinking going
on at the same time. The first level would be that thinking that you are using as
you are reading these lines. The second level is how you are evaluating, mostly
in a negative way, what you are reading. You may be saying to yourself, "Why did
he say that?" or "I wish that could be true about me, " or even worse you may be
thinking, "I don't think there is a way out" (It may help you to read the book
by David Burns, Feeling Good, or one by Aaron Beck called Cognitive Therapy)

So please monitor your thinking and learn to "catch yourself" doing negative
thinking. Most of the time that second level of thinking - that we are barely
aware of- will be negative and will weaken and even ruin the truth that you are
trying to accept and practice.

To reject error we must identify it by evaluating it from the perspective of the Bible and then correct it. The pattern has been given to us by the Lord Jesus in His
temptation. When the tempter, deceiver, accuser and liar said to him, "if you
are the son of God, make these stones turn into bread" what the Savior did was
what we must do. He refused to accept the thought (error). He did not even say
to Himself, "I wonder if I'm the Son of God?" or "If I'm the Son of God why am I
hungry when my Father has promised to supply my need?" or "Maybe I ought to turn those stones into bread and then I'll know for sure I'm the Son of God," or "How
is it possible I"m the Son of God, for the Devil to talk to me?" or "What's
wrong with me, here I am 30 years old and have no following yet?" The Lord Jesus
rejected and corrected the error by and with the truth. He said, "Man shall not
live by bread alone but by every word that proceeded out of the mouth of God. "

It is this painful process of correcting your thinking about yourself that I am recommending to you. The enemy has a very subtle way of teaching us and backing up his teaching by pointing out our failures as well as causing
emotional and even physical support for his work.

Allow me to share a list of a few things that God states about you:

- You are holy and without blame before God- Eph. 1:4

- You have been chosen by God for adoption- Eph 1: 5

- You have been completely forgiven by God- Eph. 1: 7

- You have been sealed with and by the Holy Spirit- Eph. 1: 13

- You are God's inheritance- valuable to Him- Eph. 1: 18

When one is accustomed to negative thinking, one will read the above
statements and immediately weaken them on the basis of some question, some
emotions, or in the light of some past or present failure. A common question
would be, "If that is true, then why...?"

You are a believer; you have been spiritually cleansed- washed- purified, you
are holy and pure; you have been adopted by God; He loves you and likes you: you
are the temple of the Holy Spirit; you have in your life the power of the
Crucifixion, Resurrection, Ascension and the Day of Pentecost; you have been
given gifts and invited to enter in and to participate in the greatest plan ever
devised- to live for the glory of the Lord Jesus; and the list goes on and on.
You must learn to struggle and to live in harmony with what and who you really
are.

Please see your negative thinking about yourself as the sin that it really
is. Ask God to forgive and cleanse you. Surrender yourself to Him and ask Him to
teach you how to accept and live out the truth.

Can you apply any of this to how you feel about yourself, to why you feel compelled to constantly diet, to why you get so miserable when you "fail"? Can you take the risk of denying the lies that you believe about yourself and grasp hold of the truth of God's love for you? Perhaps being made aware of our "wrong thinking" we can then follow Christ's example and correct those errors with truth. The truth is that we are beautiful creations of God, the truth is we don't need Kimmer's approval or support, and the truth is, we don't need to deny ourselves food any more than we don't need to overindulge on junk food.

I honestly believe that recognizing evil for evil and good for good is the only way to go. I now see where Satan has lied to me in my own head... and through the control of others.

Another song worth listening to....

I told you before that it seems like everytime I turn around I meet someone or hear a song or see a video expressing how much God loves us.. AS WE ARE.... apparently it's a message that bears repeating.. over and over again. :)

Watch this awesome concert video.. take the time... you're worth it. :)




My favorite line, besides the repeating of how HE LOVES US.... is
"When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me."

Being loved and reminded of that love, is so much bigger than all my struggles. His love eclipses my pain... no wonder I've always been in awe of watching an eclipse. ;)

The Real Me

I heard a song tonight that stopped me in my tracks as another beautiful representation of what I've been learning about in the past year or two.

It seems like I keep hearing more and more people coming to this realization and hearing more and more songs that express it to the world... God sees us for who we really are.

It's so wonderful to know that He created us perfectly and loves us perfectly. All this pretending and masking and hiding and covering is not necessary.

I spent the better part of 2007 trying to force my body to look as worthy as my heart.

Then I spent the rest of 2007 feeling shame and guilt for both failing at keeping my body at that standard, and at being misled along the way.

When all the while, the Lord has been loving me.. the real me... just as I am. Both fat and skinny, over eating, and starving. He knows who I am... not based on my performance or my appearance.

Listen to this song by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

I want to be me... I want to be who I really am- and I want everyone who meets me to know the real me. I think I've grown up enough to be able to handle it if someone doesn't like the real me. Because it really doesn't matter anymore... the only opinion that matters is already formed based on full knowledge of who I am.

Psalm 139:13-16 The Message

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

How do You see?

I've put together a video of a song that has been continually instrumental in helping me learn to see ME the way God does instead of letting my self image be defined by things I've done or things that were done to me.
I hope it helps someone else out there too....

Self Revelation

Lately I have been really looking deeper into how my eating habits effect who I am, how "who I am" effects my eating habits, and how my relationship with the Lord fits in with it all.

I had a really insightful quiettime this morning and was convicted by something about myself that I hadn't realized.

I know that this is the internet, and a public place, but I feel it's important for me to share what I've learned in order to help others who may be struggling with the same thing. These are some very intimate and personal revelations about myself... someone who I am really just getting to know.




For as long as I can remember I have always had a low self-esteem. I have always been critical of everything about myself and could never believe that anyone would really like me if they really knew me. Just as people would start to get close to me, I would start making ugly comments to myself, preparing myself for when they would see me for who I really was and leave me stranded. Somewhere along the way, I started to find a little bit of "comfort" in hating myself.
Hating myself and punishing myself (through food deprivation or throwing up or binging) was something I felt I deserved. It helped keep me locked inside, it provided a reason to hide, and it gave me an easy out to cry about when I would fail at my attempts. (i.e. messing up on my "diet" and eating junk).

My whole life has been spent in this cycle, and the actual reason and purpose for it wasn't because of my self esteem issues.... the Lord showed me this morning, it was actually because I took comfort in the feelings that self pity gave me. Self pity is nice... self pity protects me from getting hurt. (If I say it about myself, it doesn't hurt so much to hear someone else say it.)
Self pity was my way of thinking that I could punish myself... and my refusal to truly believe that someone (Jesus) had already taken that punishment upon himself.

All of this (behavior and beliefs) pushed me into a cave of lonliness that I would claim to be a miserable place.. but in all honesty... it was a place I took great care to build.
My lonliness was a comfortable, familiar place where I could crawl up and soak in the comfort of being alone. And pride lived there with me. I took pride in being alone. This lonley, prideful place was a place where I could control how much pain I felt.

But today... my heart has been opened... the Lord revealed to me that this place I've called home for so long is a filthy prison. I am sorry for believing that I could control who gets to love me. I am sorry for using self pity and self hatred as a tool to nurse my wounds when I should have been simply looking to the cross. I am sorry for taking pride in my lonliness and encouraging the cycle of sin that raged beneath the surface of my body. And with all this repentance... I feel a freedom and a "fresh air" in my soul that I am almost scared of. But it's a good fear... it's the fear one has as they embark on a journey into new territory... territory they only dared to dream about in the past.