This post is an exciting one for me to write. This post marks a turning point in my soul, and a lesson I never thought I would ever need to learn.
Last week, my stepmother and I were talking and she shared with me a word from the Lord that was meant for me. That word was "Celebration".
She said that heaven celebrates me every day.
My first reaction was a memory of one of my birthday's a few years ago when the Lord showed me in a dream that He and the angels celebrated when I was born. I was embarrassed and shy even thinking about such a thing, but it also blessed me immensely to know without a doubt that I was a planned intentional child of God, and not just a mistake.
But, to consider the thought that God might be celebrating still today because of me was a bit over the top.
Who am I? I'm just a woman who struggles with some major emotional scars and can't even lose weight without starving myself!
This whole idea of God and heaven "celebrating" me was making me feel VERY uncomfortable! I felt guilty even entertaining the idea of it!
I instantly had flashbacks to last summer, when I had lost all my weight. I remembered for a moment how it felt to be "celebrated". I remembered how good it felt when everyone around me was noticing me and giving me "praise" for losing weight. I took pleasure in the feelings I had last summer, and I recognized those feelings as being "celebrated".
Then the guilt and shame came rushing in. Guilt and shame for NOW knowing that my weight loss was part of a horrible story of fraud, betrayal, eating disorders and abuse.
How can I possibly think its okay to feel good about anything remotely involved with a time when people "celebrated" me?
And then the Lord walked me through a memory of a time in my life, 30 years ago, when someone shamed me for feeling good. Someone monumental in my life, turned an innocent little girl's curiosity into something dirty and raunchy. His words to me were like vomit of perversion and oppression... and they stained me for life.
My stepmother prayed over me in the midst of this revelation, and then I felt Jesus pour his love over that stain and wash it clean. He began to show me that it's okay to feel good, and there is NOTHING wrong with enjoying the way he loves me. He told me that what I felt last summer from my family and friends, and even internet strangers… was only a taste of the celebration that takes place in heaven over me every day. And His celebration of me has absolutely nothing to do with my weight or my body.
This morning, after a few days of letting the possibility that this might be true begin to sink in, I decided to research just what "celebration" means. And this is where it gets exciting for me!!!
In Strong's Hebrew lexicon, celebration means much more than I thought it did.
Sometimes it means- to be clear, to shine
Sometimes it refers to touch the strings or parts of a musical instrument properly.
Sometimes it means to rest, to keep at home, or to prepare a habitation.
It is used causatively through the implied idea of beauty.
It can also mean – to rest, to be still, to put down, take away, or suffer to be lacking.
All of these pictures of "celebrate" are something I am happy to explore!
I love that the heavens are going to "be clear, and shine" for me.
I love that the heavens are going to "touch me as an instrument"
I love that the heavens are going to "prepare a home, a place of rest" for me.
I love that the heavens are going to "see beauty" in me.
I love that the heavens are going to help me "to put down, take away, and suffer well in lacking" because I know that the things I will "put down" will be things I was never meant to hold. Things like shame, and guilt, and ugliness and fear and despair!
Thank you God… for your celebration of me!