not much left to give

not much left to give

sometimes I feel a little bit like this dandelion...like I don't have much left to give...

blow on me one more time, and I'm done....but I find hope in knowing

that each piece that is sent out, will someday rise up to meet the sun again. "

Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

Proverbs 20:5 (The Message Translation)
"Knowing what is right is like deep water in the heart; a wise person draws from the well within"

Let's face it, as women today, we often feel like dandelions with no more seed pods left. Trying to balance family, career, beauty, housework, and everything else in between can wear a girl out!

I'm so glad I have "deep water in my heart" so I can go and draw from it to refresh me and make me whole again.

Thank-you Jesus for helping me see the beauty in every stage of who I am.

Status update.... and new blog announcement

Since most of my readers at this blog are expecting posts more about my journey of the heart and not necessarily about my new found experiment on saving money, I've decided to start a new blog dedicated to that purpose. Please visit me at www.farmorethandiamonds.wordpress.com if you are interested in tips on saving money and other topics that center on my attempts at learning to be more like the Proverbs 31 wife.

I will still be using this blog as well, for deeper matters of the heart and I apologize to my readers for letting so much time pass by between posts. I admit to still struggling with both my weight and my self esteem issues... and to be honest, I think I really just needed an "online" break from focusing on those issues.

I am still 100% behind the cause AGAINST Kimkins, and occasionally check in on the status of things.... but that is another issue I really needed to step away from for awhile. I still do my part when called to, but it wasn't healthy for me to let it consume my energies the way it did last year. It's out of my hands and out of my control... and all I can do now is trust the Lord to keep spinning the wheels of justice and pray that He will continue to protect the innocent from being hurt by Heidi Diaz.

For those that are wondering....
my weight seems to have stabalized... around 40 pounds up from my lowest on Kimkins. :( I'm not happy with the weight I'm at... but I'm happy to have finally stopped gaining. I've come to accept the fact that my body HAD to recover from the damage the Kimkins diet did to my system... and I've also had to trust that the Lord will help me get healthy again in the future. I'm not sure that I will return to a lowcarb type of diet or not... because the rebound gain has been so difficult and seems to be so common... I don't think I could go through that again. My nutritionist has me on a pre-diabetic plan that is moderate carb, moderate to low fat, and plenty of protein and nonstarchy veggies. The key for me seems to be exercise, and hopefully I will soon be able to actually commit to doing just that.
(I fell HARD for the Kimkins lie that exercise wasn't necessary... and I'm still paying for that one a year and a half later!)
I'm no longer having heart palpitations, and about 40% of the hair I lost grew back. My metabolism is still a wreck... (hence the 40 pound gain while eating less than 1500 calories a day for the past year) but I have confidence that the "reset" my body required is almost over.

I miss the contact and friendships I made within the online communities during the kimkins saga... but found that staying in the daily lowcarb world kept me from moving on emotionally. I'm still here though.. and still me. :) I'd love to hear from you all again if you're still reading.

I'll be back soon to post more frequently along the lines of this blog's slogan.... for I am still committed to waiting on the Lord to comfort us and crown us in beauty.

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 3

Today I want to recognize a few different quotes from the book "Prince Caspian". They each take place at a time when Lucy is with Aslan, and Lucy is the only one who can see Aslan.
When she first sees Aslan again she is amazed at how much bigger he seems to her than before. He says,

"Every year you grow you will find me bigger"

I have found that to be true for every year I've "met" with the Lord. When I was younger, I thought I knew everything about Him. I thought He was amazing then.. but as I've grown older I've found that He is much bigger than I once thought. My problems get bigger... every year... and so does He.

This comment is so refreshing for me... especially at a time when I fear that my "problems" have gotten too big. I can take comfort in the fact that HE is even bigger.

Later in the chapter, Lucy is grieving the fact that she failed to follow Aslan when he first called her to follow. She let the opinions of others and guidance of her family rule out over what she knew she had been called to do. They in turn wasted the entire day going the wrong way. She comes to Aslan that night, remorseful for how she failed him and asks him the simple question of "what if I had listened... would everything have been alright?"
And Aslan wisely answers her the same way the Lord answers me...

"To know what would have happened? No, nobody is ever told that... But anyone can find out what will happen"

I have often cried out to the Lord... so sorry for following others, or following my own way, and then wondered "if I had only listened in the first place...."

Like in the Kimkins saga, "what if I had listened the first time my mom questioned the low calories when I first started the diet"? "What if I had stopped the diet the first time my stomach flip flopped while reading at LCF?"

But the Lord, just like Aslan, smiles and gently reminds me that I will never know the answers to those questions... but I CAN find out what WILL happen if I follow Him now.



So, now Lucy is ready to "find out what WILL happen", and is ready to follow Aslan regardless of whether or not her family follows her as well.
This time they do follow her, but not without grumbling and complaining and making life miserable for her, as they are still full of doubt over whether or not she truly knows where she's going.
I absolutely love the line that says...

"Lucy went first, biting her lip and trying not to say all the things
she thought of saying to Susan. But she forgot them when she fixed her eyes on Aslan"

I want to repeat that one part over again, as a reminder to myself of what's important here..

"... But she forgot them when she fixed her eyes on Aslan"

I want to remember this line, throughout my daily life. I want to be like Lucy, able to bite my lip when those around me are making life miserable. I want to be able to FORGET everything else when my eyes are fixed on the Lord.

I want to remember that just like Aslan, the Lord is calling for some of us to start walking without prior instructions!


So.. here I have 3 lessons to remember in a span of 9 pages.

1. The Lord is BIG and will only get BIGGER in my life!
2. I can find out what WILL happen by following Him instead of everyone else.
3. I can keep my eyes fixed on Him, and forget everything else.

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 2

At the beginning of chapter 13 in Prince Caspian, Peter has now met Prince Caspian and is getting ready to come up with "a plan". He says,

"We don't know when He will act. In His time, no doubt, not ours. In the meantime He would like us to do what we can on our own."

He is referring in this passage to Aslan.. and it stikes a very strong message to me personally.

In my life right now, I have been stuck in a transitional place, believing that the Lord has a plan for me, but totally unsure of what that plan is. I have been highly stressed for the past 6 months or so, about big issues like ~selling my house, moving, furthering my education, and wanting desperately to help hurting people.
I have felt "stuck" while waiting on the Lord to set things in motion. I have felt lost as I truly believed He was going to provide "open doors" for us in each of those things. But.. nothing has happened.

Peter's quote is exactly the reminder I needed.

I don't know when the Lord will act... and it's quite obvious that His timing is very different from my own. (my house has been on the market for 15 months now!)

But, I haven't been giving myself an "in the meantime" assignment! I have sat still, just waiting for "Him" to act. Perhaps He would like me "to do what I can on my own".

So... I am letting go of the worries about my house, my move, my job, my education, and my "calling". I am going to take what I have now, and use it.

Instead of focusing on the "I can't do this yet" I will stand up and focus on what I can do now.

I can keep living.
I can inspire, encourage, and support those around me.
I can trust that He will act in the perfect timing.
I can battle the enemy with everything I have.
I can make plans.
I can recover if those plans fail.
I can stand beside the people that God put in my life.

A quote that leads me to take another step...

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our worst fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves the question, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?" Actually who are you not to be.You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in us, it is in everyone and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

~Nelson Mandela

I bolded one part that really made me sit up and take notice. How often have I shrunk back from being fully who I am.. for fear of rejection? How often have I minimized who I am in order to simply fit in with the crowd?

Perhaps I have allowed myself to fail over and over again.. on purpose... to minimze my strength and my power that comes from the Lord.

Not this time. This time I will be liberated from fear and I will walk proudly in the Glory that the Lord shines through my life. I will not hold back or refute the praises that my God deserves!

In the words of one of my favorite singers Jonathan David Helser,

"I will dance on the chains of my circumstance, walk on the waves of the storm, nothing is impossible for those who believe God is Love."

Wrong Thinking and Isolation

I have been going to a small group at my church called Mending Hearts for almost 24 weeks now. This group is for victims of abuse, to help them heal their hurts and become aware of how our past affects our present so that we can make the necessary changes.

It has often correlated with my journey towards healthy eating, and I've also seen how my time involved with Heidi Diaz correlates with abuse.

This morning, in my readings I was struck by a few things. I don't think I can explain them any better than what is written in my workbook so I will simply post what it says. (My workbook is based on the book called The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender)

Satan loves to isolate people. Getting you alone working on your issues is
exactly where he wants you. No doubt the betrayal of trust in your story
makes
it far to easy to go it alone. But you cannot recover in
isolation. Just as people played a part in the damage done to you,
people will need to play a part in the healing process. But this time it
needs to be done with safe people you can trust. Together, you provide a
sanctuary for recovery and are a formidable force in advancing the purposes
of God's Kingdom. Because of this you will experience intense resistance
from the enemy anytime you attempt to band together to take back territory
that does not belong to him.

Doesn't this sound familiar???? How often have we heard stories of Heidi working overtime in an attempt to isolate us from each other? How often do we see her attempting to "divide and conquer"? Even from inside Kimkins, she used isolation as her first weapon. But we, who can see this happening, are doing what ever it takes to expose her for what she is and set others free from the bondage they are blindly allowing to control them. (more from my book:)

Praise God, the evil one has overplayed his hand. His tactics are being
exposed by the Light. We have seen his plan and we believe God is in the
business of righting the wrong. You are in the process of being set free as you
speak out, expose evil and give opportunity for others to come out of the
darkness into light.

Heidi- I am not saying you are "the evil one". I am simply calling you out on being USED by Him to hurt and hinder others. I know that you are just one of his pawns, and I will not sit idly by and let you play a part in his game without shining light on you. You are in the spotlight Heidi Diaz, and you are on the wrong stage!!!

Now... as I read on in my workbook I was really impressed by a letter written by Victor Matthews to "All who suffer from wrong thinking". His letter speaks to all of us who simply struggle with our weight. I believe we struggle for deeper reasons than carb and calorie counts. Here is his letter. I hope it resonates within you as much as it has for me. He speaks to believers...(if you are not a believer, and wish to become one after reading this, please feel free to contact me)

I am writing this letter to you because I want you to be free from the error
you have accepted about yourself. I know from experience how painful it is to
live that way, how self-defeating it is, how weak we are as we struggle to live
the way we know we should, and how unfulfilled and lonely a life it is.

For some time, I wanted to give you some suggestions regarding your inner
evaluation of yourself. As we talk together, I continually gain the impression
that you have a tendency not to accept fully what God says about you. When we do
that, and I'm not only talking now from the viewpoint of the Bible, but my own
sad experience- we grieve the Holy Spirit of Truth and develop a way of thinking
that will produce failure in some important areas of life. When we accept error
about ourselves, we then develop a concept of self that we cannot but fail to
produce by how we live. It is an inexorable principle: what we believe about ourselves is like a prophecy that we are destined to fulfill!

While I am not completely out of the woods yet, I know the way out. I wish I
could say it is quick and easy, but it is not. When we have accepted error about
ourselves, that acceptance develops into habitual way of looking at ourselves
and then a habitual way of living. Error is so powerful it eventually causes us
to interpret almost everything in its light- instead of in the light of truth!
The result is a form of slavery of the cruelest type.

Our only hope of deliverance is found in the One Who is the Truth- because of
the Fall, our depravity, the continual pressure of the world system, and in
particular, the subtle work of Satan- the Truth is more powerful because it is
of God and it is His promise to work with us and to lead us into the knowledge
and practice of His truth and its freedom.

However, there is no hope of deliverance if we continue to believe error and
to practice it in how we think about ourselves and then in how we live.

I cannot escape the conviction that you have been taught error about
yourself over a long period of time. And I believe the ultimate source of that
teaching is none other than the father of lies (John 8:44) who seeks to deceive
and therefore accuse you (Revelation 12:9-10) so you will not believe the truth
and escape from his slavery. He enjoys our pain and the agony his error
produces.

Where we have to begin is where God starts with us- the new birth. It is
vitally important to understand what happened to us then. A good passage to
consider is found in 1 Corinthians 6: 9-11. "Do you not know that the wicked
will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually
immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual
offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers
will inherit the Kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were
washed, you were sanctified, you were justified (declared righteous) in the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. "

These verses tell us that every believer has had a radical and revolutionary inner
spiritual transformation. No matter how sinful we were before the new birth- we
are now washed, sanctified and justified and therefore the inheritors of the
kingdom of God. We may not feel that we are- or think that we are- and we may not live that way (due to acts of failure) but that is what we are by the grace of God in the new birth.

It is at this point that the error you have received with its resultant
deception will put pressure upon you, and perhaps even cause the enemy to work
on you! You will have a tendency to dilute the truth of the former passage by
appealing to your thoughts and feelings about yourself or to some area of your
life where you have failed or are now failing. Such thoughts, feelings, and
failures do not mean we are not born again nor do they mean we are not washed,
sanctified, and justified. In fact, God has warned us that we will have such
problems while this side of heaven. He has clearly stated, "If we say that we
have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us... If we say that
we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us (I John 1:
8,10)

It has helped me to realize that we seem to have two levels of thinking going
on at the same time. The first level would be that thinking that you are using as
you are reading these lines. The second level is how you are evaluating, mostly
in a negative way, what you are reading. You may be saying to yourself, "Why did
he say that?" or "I wish that could be true about me, " or even worse you may be
thinking, "I don't think there is a way out" (It may help you to read the book
by David Burns, Feeling Good, or one by Aaron Beck called Cognitive Therapy)

So please monitor your thinking and learn to "catch yourself" doing negative
thinking. Most of the time that second level of thinking - that we are barely
aware of- will be negative and will weaken and even ruin the truth that you are
trying to accept and practice.

To reject error we must identify it by evaluating it from the perspective of the Bible and then correct it. The pattern has been given to us by the Lord Jesus in His
temptation. When the tempter, deceiver, accuser and liar said to him, "if you
are the son of God, make these stones turn into bread" what the Savior did was
what we must do. He refused to accept the thought (error). He did not even say
to Himself, "I wonder if I'm the Son of God?" or "If I'm the Son of God why am I
hungry when my Father has promised to supply my need?" or "Maybe I ought to turn those stones into bread and then I'll know for sure I'm the Son of God," or "How
is it possible I"m the Son of God, for the Devil to talk to me?" or "What's
wrong with me, here I am 30 years old and have no following yet?" The Lord Jesus
rejected and corrected the error by and with the truth. He said, "Man shall not
live by bread alone but by every word that proceeded out of the mouth of God. "

It is this painful process of correcting your thinking about yourself that I am recommending to you. The enemy has a very subtle way of teaching us and backing up his teaching by pointing out our failures as well as causing
emotional and even physical support for his work.

Allow me to share a list of a few things that God states about you:

- You are holy and without blame before God- Eph. 1:4

- You have been chosen by God for adoption- Eph 1: 5

- You have been completely forgiven by God- Eph. 1: 7

- You have been sealed with and by the Holy Spirit- Eph. 1: 13

- You are God's inheritance- valuable to Him- Eph. 1: 18

When one is accustomed to negative thinking, one will read the above
statements and immediately weaken them on the basis of some question, some
emotions, or in the light of some past or present failure. A common question
would be, "If that is true, then why...?"

You are a believer; you have been spiritually cleansed- washed- purified, you
are holy and pure; you have been adopted by God; He loves you and likes you: you
are the temple of the Holy Spirit; you have in your life the power of the
Crucifixion, Resurrection, Ascension and the Day of Pentecost; you have been
given gifts and invited to enter in and to participate in the greatest plan ever
devised- to live for the glory of the Lord Jesus; and the list goes on and on.
You must learn to struggle and to live in harmony with what and who you really
are.

Please see your negative thinking about yourself as the sin that it really
is. Ask God to forgive and cleanse you. Surrender yourself to Him and ask Him to
teach you how to accept and live out the truth.

Can you apply any of this to how you feel about yourself, to why you feel compelled to constantly diet, to why you get so miserable when you "fail"? Can you take the risk of denying the lies that you believe about yourself and grasp hold of the truth of God's love for you? Perhaps being made aware of our "wrong thinking" we can then follow Christ's example and correct those errors with truth. The truth is that we are beautiful creations of God, the truth is we don't need Kimmer's approval or support, and the truth is, we don't need to deny ourselves food any more than we don't need to overindulge on junk food.

I honestly believe that recognizing evil for evil and good for good is the only way to go. I now see where Satan has lied to me in my own head... and through the control of others.

What the heck is inner beauty anyway????

Exactly 1 year and 4 days ago today, I started the Kimkins.com diet. I started it with the best of intentions, and even named my journal appropriately... "Ready to match my inner beauty".

Regardless of the hassles and dangers and craziness in the past year because of Kimkins.com the root of my journey still relies on just that... inner beauty.

While reading in my Bible the other day, I noticed that the "chapter heading" on The Message Translation in 1 Peter 3 said, "Cultivate Inner Beauty". I got my highlighter pen ready and devoured the words as if they were a krispy kreme donut!!! :)

Verses 1 thru 7 seem to be a message to wives and husbands. But, if you really read it closely you'll see an important message.
I'll post in both NIV and The Message translations:

1 Peter 3:4 NIV
Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight".

The Message
Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.

Later in vs. 6b it uses Sarah as an example.

NIV
You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

The Message
You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

While the context is that of a wife married to an non-christian man... the actual descriptions are of INNER BEAUTY.

So... according to these few verses.. inner beauty is:
being gentle, kind, having a quiet spirit (unanxious), being brave (unafraid) and not intimidated!

We can have this inner beauty because the Lord is our confidence. (Proverbs 3:25) He will keep us safe and sound.

I have never looked at being unanxious or unitimidated as qualities to describe inner beauty... and yet, here it is in plain English.

And I recognize that the anxiety I have allowed to take a foothold in my life in the aftermath of the eating disorder called Kimkins.com is hindering me from cultivating my innermost desire.


Now, lets dig even deeper. Skip over the husband stuff.. and read on in 1 Peter 3:8-9

NIV
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

The Message
Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you. No exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless- that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing.

So, more examples of inner beauty for us all:
Be in harmony with one another!! That means, not squabbling or fighting or causing meaningless arguments. Not stubborn advancement for "self"

Be sympathetic- comfort those who are hurting
Be loving, compassionate, humble.

And, here is some of what NOT to do:
No retaliation! That means, no revenge.... not even with the tongue (using sarcasm or hurtful words)

And final we get blessings when we give blessings... and to quote Psalm 34:5 we have one more mention of inner beauty:

NIV
"Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame"

I want to be radiant... not thin.
I want to cultivate inner beauty... not become worried and fixated on my outward appearance.

I now see that once again, the Word is the answer to all of my questions and I rest assured that while the Lord is my confidence, I will not fail at becoming the bride he intends me to be for Him. With a repentant heart, I can now seek that inner beauty with much more direction than I did last year.

I know where I can get some inner beauty for free!!!


He's already paid my fee, and made it possible for me to have all these qualities!!!

Another Plea to Kimkins Members

Well, I'm back from New York... and I feel like I need to blog about my experience on the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet...

First of all, I want to tell Delaney (Singinglass) that I am concerned for her. We didn't have the opportunity to really talk at all in person... just a few minutes backstage after the show... but my message to everyone who is still on Kimkins goes to Delaney as well. I know how important it is to you to lose the weight. I know how good it feels to finally see that scale moving down. I know how hearing about "the controversy" makes you feel defensive and nervous in the pit of your stomach. I was once in your exact position. I know that the "pressure" from the "opposition" is frightening... because it's scary to think that someone might take away your "only hope". I know that the tactics they use are so over the top sometimes that it makes it easy to "roll your eyes and blow them off". I also know that somewhere deep down inside you might be feeling the smallest twinge of "what if this is true?", and that as soon as you feel it.. you push it away as quickly as possible because answering that question would be admitting that you might have an eating disorder or an addiction.
It's natural to want to "quiet" any negative feelings that pop in.. especially when the Kimkins diet and support site are constantly bombaring you with "Feel Happy... This is Great.... Wow.. No Hunger.... Hooray.. Scales down again... No negativity!!!!" Heidi and everyone else at Kimkins will tell you that negativity will make you gain weight. Negativity will only hurt you in the long run. Stay positive... no matter what!!! Why? Because it's easier to "get drunk and ignore the pain" than it is to deal with your pain in the healthy way. I believe that we are given negative emotions for a reason. I believe that even feelings of guilt (what have I done to my body? how could I have told people to join??) and feelings of shame (I can't believe I listened to that conartist... I had good intentions all along, so ignoring that handfull of hair in the shower was the right thing to do) and even fear (I'll never lose the weight if I don't do it this way) are God given emotions.. and we need to face them because they are only there to help us. Ignoring these "negative" things only helps us on the road of denial. Ignoring the messages that those feelings are sending us makes us deaf to the dangers ahead, and blind to the giant STOP SIGN they are each holding.
Most of us who are overweight... have gotten that way because we turn to FOOD to quiet the negative emotions. How many of you are now completely IGNORING the negative emotions instead?

All of us who are overweight are stuck in this pattern:
Feel Bad... Eat... Feel Better... Gain weight.... feel bad... eat.... feel better... gain weight...Feel Bad etc etc

Kimkins taught us
Feel Bad.... SMILE... USE KETOSIS... lose weight... feel better... Feel bad... use ketosis DON"T EAT.. lose weight. feel better... Feel bad??? what.. no.. not ever... we don't eat....... we refuse to feel bad.

I see a problem with Both situations don't you?
Maybe we need to look more at the "feel bad" part... and realize that it's okay to feel bad. It's not something that needs to be fixed... it's simply a part of life and it has a purpose.

Maybe we need to listen to whatever the "feel bad" is trying to tell us. Food didn't shut it up for long... and losing weight will only shut it up until you run out of fat and then start to lose your hair, your muscles, your energy, your metabolism, your brain connections, your concentration, your memory, your common sense, your integrity and perhaps even your life.

Kimkins might be selling a weightloss plan that works... but I'm here to tell you that you lose much more than weight on this diet.

Stop ignoring the negative... face it, and gain the opportunity to know in your heart that you are worth so much more than a crash diet that will only set you up for either future failure... or major health problems.

Well.. I guess this post ended up being more of a message from my heart to anyone who is still on the Kimkins plan.
I will post tomorrow... the "replies" I didn't have time to give Jeannie on the show. :)