Tuesday, December 23, 2008


This morning it is my desire to place all my hope in the promises of God.

Often it is easy to say that I "trust in the Lord".. knowing that He is in charge is usually comforting enough to get me through the rough spots. But, if you're like me, sometimes... trusting in the Lord is easier said than done.

How many times have you told yourself to "trust God" only to then wonder what that really means. How many times have you felt discouraged by people who tell you to "trust God" when times are tough?????

Sometimes doing all the right things and reading all the right verses... just doesn't seem to cut it.

I think I've read Jeremiah 29:11 a million times
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".

and every time I've read it I've wondered what ARE those plans???? And I've tried with all my strength to trust in the Lord... when really what he's saying here is that we can trust in his plans for us!
His plans for us are specific... they are not generic open ended for all people...

Think about Abraham for a moment.

In Romans, Paul talks about Abraham and this verse really opened my eyes up to how I should be trusting in God...
(From the Message Romans 4:18-23?)
"When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he would do... He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said."
Did Abraham simply trust in God.. or did Abraham trust in the PROMISES God made to Abraham?

So, I challenge you today.. if you're struggling and in tough times like I am... consider actually talking to God and asking Him if he has any promises FOR YOU! There is a heightened hope in promises that God gives when they are tailor made for you! Trusting in a far off God overseeing the world's problems gives room for doubt and unbelief.. but letting His Promises wash over and comfort you builds up hope and confidence! That requires us to come before God in a way that begs for a personal relationship... letting Him speak to you... hearing His Words in your heart... is surely to help us "come up strong, ready for God to make good on what he says"

Monday, December 15, 2008

Waiting like a watchman...

How do you wait?
Waiting for something you not only want, but need desperately seems impossible to do when you've already waited for what feels like forever.
Waiting patiently is what we feel like we're "supposed" to do. But it also feels impossible.

I've been "waiting" for my house to sell for 23 months now... and I put my house on the market to begin with in response to what the Lord told me to do. For me, the act of putting my house on the market was one of submission to both the Lord, and my husband. I submitted my will and began to "desire" what He wanted for me instead of what I wanted for me.

And then... the market dropped. I did everything possible to make my house more desirable in this "buyers market". I removed my family photos, kept everything super clean, reorganized the kids rooms to look more like model home rooms instead of personalized... "staged" each room for showings... allowed my life to be put on hold countless times so that strangers could walk through and criticize my decorations or discover that my yard wasn't as large as they had hoped. I would take the dog (and all of his HAIR) for hour long rides in the car as these strangers expected my daily life and work to just drop at their command. And I waited for the Lord to send the buyer He had in mind for my house. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I gave thanks to the Lord for working in my own heart and for working in my husband's heart through this whole process. And I prayed and prayed and prayed.

And each month that passed felt like an eternity.. and began to wear out my patience, my hope, and my faith.

I no longer got excited that "this might be the one" when I had a showing. I no longer felt anything but disdain for this whole process, as well as for my house. And I began to wonder if praying was ever going to work. I began to wonder if God was even listening.. and I began to let the doubt, and fear, and weariness wear me down. I felt like a child in the dark, hiding in the closet, covering her ears to the threats all around her, just wishing it would end.Then I stopped praying. I got comfortable in my figurative dark closet. I began to wear the doubts, and fears and lies from the enemy that God wasn't going to help because I must have messed up somewhere along the way.

and still the house didn't sell.

But somewhere deep inside my heart I began to hear the Lord calling my attention back to Him, and back to His Word.
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His Word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord-
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130: 5-6
The beginning of this verse inspired me.. and I wanted to be able to say this was true of my heart. But the second part of it confused me and seemed to be more important for me to understand. What is a watchman? What does he do? How can my soul wait for the Lord even MORE than the watchmen wait for the morning?

I posed this question out loud as my daughter was getting ready for school right beside me. And she described to me what she thought a watchman was. "A watchman is like in the army... and it's dark outside... so he has to stay on guard all night to make sure no one attacks them before the sun comes up. "

and then I began to get a picture in my mind of what a watchman does.

Alone in the dark, it is his duty to protect his "camp" from the enemy. He stays on guard throughout the night.. and his attention is heightened BECAUSE it it dark! He can't see what's coming.. he doesn't know what's coming to attack. He doesn't know which angle the enemy is going to come from so he is vigilant to look in every direction as he maintains his guard. And he KNOWS that the sun will rise in the morning! He KNOWS without a doubt that when the sun comes up, his job will be a little easier because then he can SEE where the enemy is coming from! The night might seem long.. but he waits for the morning on FULL ALERT!

He doesn't lay down and cry and give into the darkness that surrounds him. He doesn't stop watching because it's only midnight and morning seems to far off. He knows that every minute that passes brings him one minute closer to the morning.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His Word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord-
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130: 5-6
How can I wait like this? It's not about "patience". It's about CONFIDENCE!! Waiting like the watchman is having confidence that the sun will rise in the morning.

If I KNOW that the sun will rise everyday with 100% certainty...

then my soul must KNOW that the Lord will come through on His Word with 200% certainty!!! This is a whole new concept for me today! I am one minute closer to seeing God come through for me and my family right now! The 23 months that have passed only prove that my "morning" is close!

I'm putting my hope in His Word and will wait for his promises to me even MORE than the watchman waits for the morning!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Prayer Chain for a friend...

I just found out that an xKimkins friend of mine is in need of even more prayer than usual. This post is a "prayer chain" that I'm carrying on for AmyB...

Lord I pray that you would reach down and place your hands upon Amy and her family right now. I pray for healing in her body, and in her son's body. I pray for wisdom for her doctors and strength for her whole family. I pray for peace and comfort during a time when peace and comfort seems impossible. I praise you for your will and for your plans to prosper Amy and not to harm her.

Amy.. I'm sorry I haven't been "around" for you.... my prayers and my thoughts are with you.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Walk through the walls....

Music speaks to my soul and moves my heart, my spirit, my mind and my body.

Music has been known to affect my mood, my beliefs and even my habits.

Music is God's gift to me.. and my gift back to Him as well.

I just received Jonathan David Helser's newest CD.. Walk Through The Walls... and I'm worshiping God with every breath I take as a result.

His songs, and the way he worships brings me to a higher level of understanding God, and understanding how God enters the room as a result of worship.

Here's the lyrics to the 1st song on the new CD... it's so fitting for my life right now...(play it below)

It seems like all I can see, are enemies surrounding me
It seems like all I can feel, are lies you're not real
I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the one
Who made the earth and heavens

I believe You're more real, than what my eyes can see
I believe these hills are full, of a mighty angel army

God of the Angel Armies, you're mighty to save
God of the Angel Armies, you're worthy of our praise
God of the Angel Armies, you fight for us
God of the Angel Armies, you come down....
when praises go up

Finally I'm starting to see, things are not as they seem
Nothing can come between, your mighty love for me
No ear has heard, No eye has ever seen
What you have planned for those
you set your love upon

I believe you're greater than, I could ever dream
I believe you're coming again, with a mighty angel army.....


And then the rest of the song is just Jonathan's heart singing to the Lord... and I sing right along with him...

Praises go up and You come down
and you walk through the walls

You come down at the sound, of my praise

You come.. You come..
wave after wave

I gotta worship, this is what I was made for... I gotta shout!

This is what I was made to do, is worship you Lord

all those angels, I wanna waste my life with the angels
Pourin' out praise...

I don't care what the world might say,
I believe.
that you're more real.. than what my eyes.. they can see..

If you're soul is searching for a deeper connection to God than you can find sitting in a pew on Sunday morning... I beg of you to listen to Jonathan's CD's... everyone of them... for it's true that Jesus Walks Through the Walls... at the sound of worship.... and no... I'm not a "sales person" for Jonathan... :) But I don't mind encouraging you to find Jesus!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Fat is one of the ugliest words in my vocabulary. I hate the word and I hate the way it looks on my body. I'm disgusted by fat now more than ever.

But there's more to "fat" than I ever thought. Did you know it's mentioned 95 times in the Bible?

I noticed today that there are quite a few occasions where the scriptures use the word fat in the same sentence as "around the inner parts" or "covers the inner parts".

It dawned on me this morning.... there's more to this phrase than "location on an animal". Fat is almost always used to cover up something else. Fat has a purpose. Fat comforts, and fat protects... and mostly fat COVERs.

God doesn't find fat disgusting or ugly.. and he doesn't hate it the way I do.

Leviticus 3: 16 "All the fat is the Lord's"

Over and over again in the old testament, it can be found that "the aroma of the offering of fat is pleasing to the Lord". (paraphrase Lev. 17:6)

So... can I apply this to my own life? No, I am not going to go literal on you all here and suggest that it's time to cut the fat and burn it for the Lord... don't worry. Actually, what I am doing is much more difficult and an even greater sacrifice on my part.

It's time to offer my "inner most coverings" to the Lord spiritually. It's time to remove my emotional fat and let Him burn it to his pleasure. I can not hold onto it and keep it for myself.

My "inner parts" are painful to look at. But, I trust that my Savior will be the one to cover me when I need covering... He will rejoice at my offering and be pleased. And I can be pleased to look at me too. I can then see what he see's.. a great and pleasing offering. A sacrifice that is worth more than money. He knows that my "fat coverings" are there for a reason, and He knows that I went through much and therefore needed much coverings... and He will rejoice to see that I have finally granted him permission to be my only covering. My inner parts are wholly His. I offer my fat to Him, and rejoice in no longer needing it.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Teaching Lessons to.....myself?

Vocabulary has entered the realm of my home in a much bigger way this year!

All week long my 6th grade daughter has moaned and griped and complained about her vocabulary homework. Sentences, antonyms, synonyms, parts of speech.. the whole 9 yards. She became confident in her knowledge of the definitions of words like besieged, dispatched, libel, gainful, forsake, recede, repast, irk, inept, ingenious...she was "ready" for the test on Friday. But she rolled her eyes at all the amounts of homework over the week, sure that it was all unnecessary since she already knew what the words "meant".

and the Lord works in mysterious ways....

Then, Thursday night, she got hurt, sliced a few layers of skin from her knee in a bicycle accident, and was unable to attend school on Friday. (open wound scenario not a good mix with a school with unknown bacteria floating around!!) I spoke with her teacher and she assured me she would allow her to take the vocabulary test on Monday. Well, then we get word from my daughters friends over the weekend that this test was not like any other vocabulary test they've ever had! This test was all about finding antonyms, synonyms, parts of speech!!! There was NO "matching words to definitions" like they all expected.

As I tried to explain to my daughter that perhaps her teacher was trying to prepare her for this exact test all week long. Perhaps her teacher was actually helping her out by assigning all that "unnecessary homework". Perhaps her teacher knew what was coming all along.

And a light bulb went off in my head as the words were still moistening my lips.

How often do I question and complain about the various trials in my own life? How often do I think "this is ridiculous.. why on earth is this happening? And forget that I have a VERY WISE and LOVING Father in heaven who KNOWS what's up ahead for me, and what lessons I need to learn before reaching that future?

How can I can encourage my daughter to trust her teacher, and then fail at trusting the Lord with being my teacher?

I saw how my daughter believed she "knew enough" and believed that she was "good enough".

And I see how we do the same with our own lives. And I'm humbled and repentant. I don't know better than Him... just as my daughter doesn't know better than her teacher. I don't know enough to get by or have the right answers for future tests until I've completed each task the Father assigns me today.

Using the vocabulary words we studied this weekend,,

I am totally inept, and will forsake my own understanding and expressly denounce my misgivings. I will look towards the ingenious and immensely all knowing God with complete trust that his purposes for me are gainful in the long run.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Stones underfoot...

I have always been a barefoot girl. I used to boast about how my feet could handle the hottest concrete or the roughest rocks. I still find myself driving away from home before I realize I don't have any shoes with me. My earliest actual memory is of burning my feet on the hot cracked blacktop in San Fransisco when I was only 1. My mother is the same as me, and tells tales of her attempts at going to school barefoot by painting a "flip flop" top onto her foot! My daughter is following in my footsteps (literally) and we have had to eat on the patio of many a restaurant after arriving and realizing she had no shoes!

Why am I telling you this? Well, I think I have an analogy, a story, a "parable" to tell you about this very thing.

There once as a girl who walked in Israel with Jesus. She would often watch him from afar walking with his disciples, and she heard many stories about him. She heard him preaching in the temple, and on the mountain... but could never find a way to be alone with him. One day, while walking alone on the hillside, she came upon this Jesus sitting patiently on a large rock. He was waiting for her! As she nears him, he gets up and begins to walk along the path.
His clothes are plain and worn, and his feet are bare. He walks through the small white stones on the path just like an ordinary person. She had imagined from the stories she heard, that he might float above the road or glide along like an angel... but was surprised to see him carefully hopping through the stones on the road, trying to balance himself lightly to avoid the sharpest rocks.
She catches up to him and he says,
"These rocks hurt a little don't they? They have sharp unpredictable points".
He picks one up and shows it to her and begins to describe the many uses for stones just as these.

"Rocks like these have been used to stone and punish. They've also been piled together as an altar. They've been heated in the fire to soothe sore muscles. Others have rolled down the hill and broken into smaller pieces, and still others have landed amongst the grassy field where an unsuspecting child might step on it unknowingly. Stones have been collected, and treasured, and skipped on lakes. Others are ground up and used to build buildings. They have so many purposes, so many uses, and can be viewed in many different ways."

He then cast the rock aside and pointed at her feet.
"You have stones beneath your feet, are you just going to walk and cringe at the pain they cause, or stop and pick them out of your skin and find out what kind they are?"

They then sit together on the hill and she looks down at her own dusty, dirty feet. She removes a small white stone from her heel so that she can walk with Jesus at a quicker and easier, more confident pace.

Then she asked him "Lord, what kind of stone did I have in my foot?"

And he answered,
"That particular stone in your heel was once a piece of a boulder that crashed down the mountainside. It was then picked up in the clutches of a bird and placed directly in your path years ago. When you walked upon it, it wedged itself deep inside.... and you ignored the pain it caused. You kept walking on it, and pushing it further and further inside. "

She then pulled the rock from her pocket where she had considered keeping it, and gave it to Jesus. He smiled and took the rock from her hand and said,
"Thank-you for trusting me with your rock. It was not your rock to carry and you have been bearing it for no reason. You are brave to give it to me, for only I can turn this rock into one that won't hurt others in the future. "

I too, have been walking on stones that hurt. I too, have ignored the pain and stuffed it down deep. I too, have often wondered if the "stones in my path" were supposed to toughen me up or make me stronger. And I too, have now begun to allow Jesus to take the stones from my feet. And I will trust him now to heal the wounds and scars that were left behind.

What kind of stones do you have underfoot?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Status update.... and new blog announcement

Since most of my readers at this blog are expecting posts more about my journey of the heart and not necessarily about my new found experiment on saving money, I've decided to start a new blog dedicated to that purpose. Please visit me at www.farmorethandiamonds.wordpress.com if you are interested in tips on saving money and other topics that center on my attempts at learning to be more like the Proverbs 31 wife.

I will still be using this blog as well, for deeper matters of the heart and I apologize to my readers for letting so much time pass by between posts. I admit to still struggling with both my weight and my self esteem issues... and to be honest, I think I really just needed an "online" break from focusing on those issues.

I am still 100% behind the cause AGAINST Kimkins, and occasionally check in on the status of things.... but that is another issue I really needed to step away from for awhile. I still do my part when called to, but it wasn't healthy for me to let it consume my energies the way it did last year. It's out of my hands and out of my control... and all I can do now is trust the Lord to keep spinning the wheels of justice and pray that He will continue to protect the innocent from being hurt by Heidi Diaz.

For those that are wondering....
my weight seems to have stabalized... around 40 pounds up from my lowest on Kimkins. :( I'm not happy with the weight I'm at... but I'm happy to have finally stopped gaining. I've come to accept the fact that my body HAD to recover from the damage the Kimkins diet did to my system... and I've also had to trust that the Lord will help me get healthy again in the future. I'm not sure that I will return to a lowcarb type of diet or not... because the rebound gain has been so difficult and seems to be so common... I don't think I could go through that again. My nutritionist has me on a pre-diabetic plan that is moderate carb, moderate to low fat, and plenty of protein and nonstarchy veggies. The key for me seems to be exercise, and hopefully I will soon be able to actually commit to doing just that.
(I fell HARD for the Kimkins lie that exercise wasn't necessary... and I'm still paying for that one a year and a half later!)
I'm no longer having heart palpitations, and about 40% of the hair I lost grew back. My metabolism is still a wreck... (hence the 40 pound gain while eating less than 1500 calories a day for the past year) but I have confidence that the "reset" my body required is almost over.

I miss the contact and friendships I made within the online communities during the kimkins saga... but found that staying in the daily lowcarb world kept me from moving on emotionally. I'm still here though.. and still me. :) I'd love to hear from you all again if you're still reading.

I'll be back soon to post more frequently along the lines of this blog's slogan.... for I am still committed to waiting on the Lord to comfort us and crown us in beauty.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Taking lessons from Joseph before it’s too late

I love the story of Joseph in the Bible. Reading about how he prepared in advance for when times were to be more difficult has encouraged me to do the same. The difficult times financially are already starting in today’s economy, and I want to do my best at being wise with my money and with making sure my family is provided for.

Well, I’ve been “grocery gaming” for a little over a month now. I’ve learned to stockpile my foods to lower my grocery bill. I utilize coupons and sales together and get lots of stuff for way cheap… sometimes free.

This week I had fun at both CVS and Publix.

At CVS I used the Covergirl Buy One Get One Free (BOGO) coupons in the paper in conjunction with the Buy One Get One Free sale at CVS to get 2 bottles of foundation, and 2 pressed powders… all totally free!!! I also got some other stuff, and combined with coupons, sales, and Extra Care Bucks back.. I only spent $6 and I brought home 2 bottles of Tide w/ Bleach, 2 bottles of Dawn dish soap, 2 things of toothpaste, 2 packs of gum and the makeup I mentioned earlier.

Then, today at Publix I was ready to really stock up on some breakfast items. Here’s a picture of what I got for under $30:

16 poptart boxes- on sale 2.19 BOGO used $1/2 coupon (I had 8 coupons) found in the paper this past Sunday- total Out of Pocket (OOP)= $9.52 (works out to be around 60 cents a box)

These poptarts are also included in a Rebate from Kellogg’s… buy 10 get $10 back. So…. after the rebate… all 16 boxes end up free!!! (plus .48 which covers my stamp)

6 cans of ChefBoyarDee- $1.33 BOGO sale used .35/3 coupon (I had 2). Total OOP=3.29 (that’s 55 cents a can)

6 boxes of Eggo Waffles- on sale $2.19 BOGO used $1/2 coupon (I had 3) Total OOP=$3.57 (that’s 60 cents a box!)

2 Boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios- on sale $3.99 BOGO used $1 off coupon for EACH box even though one of the boxes was free! Total OOP= $1.99 (which is 99cents a box!)

2 boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal- on sale $3.99 BOGO used .55 of coupon for EACH box.. again, even though one of the boxes was free. Total OOP= $2.89 (which is $1.44 a box, which is good for this brand.. coupons are harder to find for this kind)

After I finished out my shopping for other needed items this week, my total rang up as $29.15 after tax. My savings is marked as $58.58 That’s a 67% savings and I won’t need to buy any breakfast items for months!!! J

I’ve decided not to pay the monthly fee at grocerygame.com, because once I got the hang of how to spot these deals it’s really pretty easy. I must give credit to the numerous blogs out there that I have discovered that post their savings similar to the way I’ve just done…. I learn from them and even “copy” some of their deals. J And thanks to my best friend.. you know who you are… for mentioning the grocerygame idea in the first place!

Check out these links if you’re interested in bringing your grocery bill down.





Click around at the other blogs and savings sites that they recommend too..

Oh.. and by the way.. hot tip for tomorrow… Walgreens has a special Wed. only sale for FREE film developing! Check out their ad here: http://www.walgreens.com/hotbuys/default.jsp?ec=hn574_getcoupon

print out the coupon and finally develop those rolls or disposable cameras that have been shoved in your junk drawer for so long!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Growing in Prayer….

In the past few years, my prayer life has grown in ways that are hard to explain. I used to think that prayer was what you did when things were either going bad, or you wanted to "make a deal" with God and bargain for a better life. I used to think that prayer was kind of like a mixture of an obligation and a wish list.

And I was bored with praying, and didn't really believe that it was working.

My Dad and stepmom Maritza introduced me to a book called How to Hear God's Voice by Mark Virkler, and I was thrilled to learn that praying isn't just a one way street. Praying goes both ways... and it is the way to really KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with Christ is RELATIONAL!

I don't know how to explain everything that Mark Virkler explains in his book, but I recommend it highly… and I recommend it to be read with an open mind, and with the Bible by your side to "test it" so that you will not give into the fears that the enemy will plant in your mind that this type of praying might be "new agey".

I know that I often don't share with people about my "relationship" with God because they might think I'm weird or crazy or making it up… but my relationship is more than just words. My relationship with God also involves seeing Him in my mind, and hearing what He has to say and seeing what He wants to show me.

Fear of what others think is what often keeps me from my "quiet times", and it most definitely keeps me from sharing what I've learned in my "quiet times".

Fear comes from Satan…. NOT GOD. So, today I want to turn my back on that fear, and plunge ahead boldly by posting what I experienced in my quiet time this morning.

From my prayer journal this morning:

Jesus- take me away to where I can see you and love you and worship at your feet. I want to dance with you and rest with you and learn from you…

(Behind my closed eyes, I picture myself in a beautiful garden, near a creek in the woods where I often "sit with Jesus"… this is where I "go" to "BE STILL" so I can hear in my soul what the Lord wants to tell me.)

My field of flowers has turned into a field of golden wheat. Fully grown, fully mature, blowing casually, beautifully in the wind. Jesus walks through the field of wheat. It goes on as far as the eye can see. He stops in the middle and bends down to pick up one particular piece. He rubs his hands through it and shows it to me and tells me to touch it. It is soft and smooth and yet the edge is sharp like a razor. We grab hold of it together and pull it out.

Where the root should be is instead a white bulb- almost cocoon like- silky, yet like glass. I can't tell what's inside, but I just know it's going to be wonderful!

I start to wonder about all the other pieces of wheat. I want to run around pulling them all up!

But Jesus is still. He's taking his time with just this one. So, I wait with him.

Now we sit together- all I can see is wheat and sky, and my sweet friend and teacher holding out the "wheat bulb" that we pulled. He breathes on it and I can feel the warmth of his breath relax me. The bulb begins to clear.

"What is it Lord? What's inside of it? I'm not worthy to see what you are about to reveal to me"

He breathes on it again and the wind around us moves with him. I start to realize that the wind always came with his breaths.

He takes my hands and helps me hold the "wheat bulb". It's getting warm and clearer and there is a sparkle in Jesus' eye. The bulb begins to shine and as I look deeper into it and continue to feel the breath of Jesus I begin to see that I am what's inside.

I am so beautiful and confident and powerful inside this "wheat bulb". I know that I was created by my Savior and lovingly handpicked, chosen and warmed personally by Him. He patiently worked on me, and my face (inside the "wheat bulb") shines- I look at Jesus, and his face shines- I touch my own face standing there in the wheat and it feels like shiny, golden silk. It's tingling and warm and I feel like a burst of fireworks!!!!

( I continue in prayer…. )Thank-you Jesus! Thank-you for this vision. Thank-you for loving me, and sharing with me and waiting patiently for the right timing. Thank-you for handpicking me, I want to be just like you Jesus. Help me to know just which ones you are hand picking so I can share in the watching, pulling, waiting and breathing with you!

Now, for those of you that know me, you probably know that I am struggling right now with feeling "beautiful". I am struggling with believing in myself…. or rather in the fact that I am worth anything….

God knows that about me too.

But the Lord never gives up on me. He never quits pursuing me. He never stops loving me and He never leaves me for my lack of faith or my failure to learn the lessons He keeps setting before me. Just like in my "vision" this morning, I am always so eager to go off and get excited about what God is doing for others… I have a hard time with feeling worthy of anything He wants to do for me.

But, I think the purpose of what the Lord showed me this morning was a beautiful reminder that even in the midst of millions of people, He is big enough to come into the middle and spend time on just one person and show them His love. This morning, that was me.

Tomorrow or maybe even tonight….. I think that person is YOU!

Monday, June 2, 2008

I am “Celebrated”


This post is an exciting one for me to write. This post marks a turning point in my soul, and a lesson I never thought I would ever need to learn.


Last week, my stepmother and I were talking and she shared with me a word from the Lord that was meant for me. That word was "Celebration".

She said that heaven celebrates me every day.

My first reaction was a memory of one of my birthday's a few years ago when the Lord showed me in a dream that He and the angels celebrated when I was born. I was embarrassed and shy even thinking about such a thing, but it also blessed me immensely to know without a doubt that I was a planned intentional child of God, and not just a mistake.

But, to consider the thought that God might be celebrating still today because of me was a bit over the top.

Who am I? I'm just a woman who struggles with some major emotional scars and can't even lose weight without starving myself!

This whole idea of God and heaven "celebrating" me was making me feel VERY uncomfortable! I felt guilty even entertaining the idea of it!

I instantly had flashbacks to last summer, when I had lost all my weight. I remembered for a moment how it felt to be "celebrated". I remembered how good it felt when everyone around me was noticing me and giving me "praise" for losing weight. I took pleasure in the feelings I had last summer, and I recognized those feelings as being "celebrated".

Then the guilt and shame came rushing in. Guilt and shame for NOW knowing that my weight loss was part of a horrible story of fraud, betrayal, eating disorders and abuse.

How can I possibly think its okay to feel good about anything remotely involved with a time when people "celebrated" me?

And then the Lord walked me through a memory of a time in my life, 30 years ago, when someone shamed me for feeling good. Someone monumental in my life, turned an innocent little girl's curiosity into something dirty and raunchy. His words to me were like vomit of perversion and oppression... and they stained me for life.

My stepmother prayed over me in the midst of this revelation, and then I felt Jesus pour his love over that stain and wash it clean. He began to show me that it's okay to feel good, and there is NOTHING wrong with enjoying the way he loves me. He told me that what I felt last summer from my family and friends, and even internet strangers… was only a taste of the celebration that takes place in heaven over me every day. And His celebration of me has absolutely nothing to do with my weight or my body.


This morning, after a few days of letting the possibility that this might be true begin to sink in, I decided to research just what "celebration" means. And this is where it gets exciting for me!!!

In Strong's Hebrew lexicon, celebration means much more than I thought it did.

Sometimes it means- to be clear, to shine

Sometimes it refers to touch the strings or parts of a musical instrument properly.

Sometimes it means to rest, to keep at home, or to prepare a habitation.

It is used causatively through the implied idea of beauty.

It can also mean – to rest, to be still, to put down, take away, or suffer to be lacking.


All of these pictures of "celebrate" are something I am happy to explore!

I love that the heavens are going to "be clear, and shine" for me.

I love that the heavens are going to "touch me as an instrument"

I love that the heavens are going to "prepare a home, a place of rest" for me.

I love that the heavens are going to "see beauty" in me.

I love that the heavens are going to help me "to put down, take away, and suffer well in lacking" because I know that the things I will "put down" will be things I was never meant to hold. Things like shame, and guilt, and ugliness and fear and despair!


Thank you God… for your celebration of me!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 3

Today I want to recognize a few different quotes from the book "Prince Caspian". They each take place at a time when Lucy is with Aslan, and Lucy is the only one who can see Aslan.
When she first sees Aslan again she is amazed at how much bigger he seems to her than before. He says,
"Every year you grow you will find me bigger"

I have found that to be true for every year I've "met" with the Lord. When I was younger, I thought I knew everything about Him. I thought He was amazing then.. but as I've grown older I've found that He is much bigger than I once thought. My problems get bigger... every year... and so does He.

This comment is so refreshing for me... especially at a time when I fear that my "problems" have gotten too big. I can take comfort in the fact that HE is even bigger.

Later in the chapter, Lucy is grieving the fact that she failed to follow Aslan when he first called her to follow. She let the opinions of others and guidance of her family rule out over what she knew she had been called to do. They in turn wasted the entire day going the wrong way. She comes to Aslan that night, remorseful for how she failed him and asks him the simple question of "what if I had listened... would everything have been alright?"
And Aslan wisely answers her the same way the Lord answers me...
"To know what would have happened? No, nobody is ever told that... But anyone can find out what will happen"

I have often cried out to the Lord... so sorry for following others, or following my own way, and then wondered "if I had only listened in the first place...."

Like in the Kimkins saga, "what if I had listened the first time my mom questioned the low calories when I first started the diet"? "What if I had stopped the diet the first time my stomach flip flopped while reading at LCF?"

But the Lord, just like Aslan, smiles and gently reminds me that I will never know the answers to those questions... but I CAN find out what WILL happen if I follow Him now.

So, now Lucy is ready to "find out what WILL happen", and is ready to follow Aslan regardless of whether or not her family follows her as well.
This time they do follow her, but not without grumbling and complaining and making life miserable for her, as they are still full of doubt over whether or not she truly knows where she's going.
I absolutely love the line that says...

"Lucy went first, biting her lip and trying not to say all the things
she thought of saying to Susan. But she forgot them when she fixed her eyes on Aslan"

I want to repeat that one part over again, as a reminder to myself of what's important here..

"... But she forgot them when she fixed her eyes on Aslan"

I want to remember this line, throughout my daily life. I want to be like Lucy, able to bite my lip when those around me are making life miserable. I want to be able to FORGET everything else when my eyes are fixed on the Lord.

I want to remember that just like Aslan, the Lord is calling for some of us to start walking without prior instructions!

So.. here I have 3 lessons to remember in a span of 9 pages.

1. The Lord is BIG and will only get BIGGER in my life!
2. I can find out what WILL happen by following Him instead of everyone else.
3. I can keep my eyes fixed on Him, and forget everything else.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 2

At the beginning of chapter 13 in Prince Caspian, Peter has now met Prince Caspian and is getting ready to come up with "a plan". He says,
"We don't know when He will act. In His time, no doubt, not ours. In the meantime He would like us to do what we can on our own."

He is referring in this passage to Aslan.. and it stikes a very strong message to me personally.

In my life right now, I have been stuck in a transitional place, believing that the Lord has a plan for me, but totally unsure of what that plan is. I have been highly stressed for the past 6 months or so, about big issues like ~selling my house, moving, furthering my education, and wanting desperately to help hurting people.
I have felt "stuck" while waiting on the Lord to set things in motion. I have felt lost as I truly believed He was going to provide "open doors" for us in each of those things. But.. nothing has happened.

Peter's quote is exactly the reminder I needed.

I don't know when the Lord will act... and it's quite obvious that His timing is very different from my own. (my house has been on the market for 15 months now!)

But, I haven't been giving myself an "in the meantime" assignment! I have sat still, just waiting for "Him" to act. Perhaps He would like me "to do what I can on my own".

So... I am letting go of the worries about my house, my move, my job, my education, and my "calling". I am going to take what I have now, and use it.

Instead of focusing on the "I can't do this yet" I will stand up and focus on what I can do now.

I can keep living.
I can inspire, encourage, and support those around me.
I can trust that He will act in the perfect timing.
I can battle the enemy with everything I have.
I can make plans.
I can recover if those plans fail.
I can stand beside the people that God put in my life.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 1

I am so excited about the upcoming movie Prince Caspian from The Chronicles of Narnia. I challenged my small group of 6th grade girls to read the book before joining me at the movie and asked them to look for any ideas throughout the book that might remind them of our relationship with Christ here on earth.
I loved all the parallels that were found in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe... and I think I liked some of the Prince Caspian one's even more.
I wanted to share with you some of the ones I found... over a series of posts. Feel free to comment with your insights as well.
In my copy of Prince Caspian (Chapter 9)on page 128, Lucy is speaking to Susan after they are forced to kill the wild bear in the woods. She says,
"Wouldn't it be dreadful if someday in our own world, at home, men started going
wild inside, like animals here, and still looked like men, so that you'd never
know which were which?"
Lucy is so insightful! Sadly, I fear that her statement has become truth here "in our world" already. There are so many men and women who look just like anyone else, but inside they have gone wild and are capable of doing very harmful, scary things.
I find it very interesting that Susan had paused in her reaction to seeing the bear at first, because she was afraid it might be "a talking bear". She feared hurting/killing something that had good inside.
She was then embarrassed for not reacting quick enough.
I can draw a parallel from this simple section of the story to the whole Kimkins saga. I for one, am one of those that "didn't react quick enough". I was sure that there was "good" in Kimmer and Kimkins and if it weren't for the swift actions of those that could see her for what she was, I may have ended up more firmly in her grasp.
When Susan wonders aloud if the bear could have been a nice bear...the dwarf answers her with this,
"I saw the face and I heard the snarl. he only wanted Little Girl for his breakfast"
He was able to tell the intentions of the bear, because he had been around wild bears before and recognized the look and the sound.
We can learn from this, by realizing that we do have instincts. After we have been exposed to people who are now "wild" inside, we will be able to recognize their intentions when we hear them. We can't refuse to react in order to protect someone who might hurt us.
In the book, Aslan is not yet with the children. But the dwarf is there to help them.
Even when we aren't aware of our God's presence... we can take peace in the fact that He IS there. He might even be diguised as a dwarf!!!!

Prince Caspian Countdown!

Monday, April 14, 2008

A quote that leads me to take another step...

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our worst fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves the question, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?" Actually who are you not to be.You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in us, it is in everyone and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

~Nelson Mandela

I bolded one part that really made me sit up and take notice. How often have I shrunk back from being fully who I am.. for fear of rejection? How often have I minimized who I am in order to simply fit in with the crowd?

Perhaps I have allowed myself to fail over and over again.. on purpose... to minimze my strength and my power that comes from the Lord.

Not this time. This time I will be liberated from fear and I will walk proudly in the Glory that the Lord shines through my life. I will not hold back or refute the praises that my God deserves!

In the words of one of my favorite singers Jonathan David Helser,

"I will dance on the chains of my circumstance, walk on the waves of the storm, nothing is impossible for those who believe God is Love."

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Wrong Thinking and Isolation

I have been going to a small group at my church called Mending Hearts for almost 24 weeks now. This group is for victims of abuse, to help them heal their hurts and become aware of how our past affects our present so that we can make the necessary changes.

It has often correlated with my journey towards healthy eating, and I've also seen how my time involved with Heidi Diaz correlates with abuse.

This morning, in my readings I was struck by a few things. I don't think I can explain them any better than what is written in my workbook so I will simply post what it says. (My workbook is based on the book called The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender)

Satan loves to isolate people. Getting you alone working on your issues is
exactly where he wants you. No doubt the betrayal of trust in your story
it far to easy to go it alone. But you cannot recover in
. Just as people played a part in the damage done to you,
people will need to play a part in the healing process. But this time it
needs to be done with safe people you can trust. Together, you provide a
sanctuary for recovery and are a formidable force in advancing the purposes
of God's Kingdom. Because of this you will experience intense resistance
from the enemy anytime you attempt to band together to take back territory
that does not belong to him.

Doesn't this sound familiar???? How often have we heard stories of Heidi working overtime in an attempt to isolate us from each other? How often do we see her attempting to "divide and conquer"? Even from inside Kimkins, she used isolation as her first weapon. But we, who can see this happening, are doing what ever it takes to expose her for what she is and set others free from the bondage they are blindly allowing to control them. (more from my book:)

Praise God, the evil one has overplayed his hand. His tactics are being
exposed by the Light. We have seen his plan and we believe God is in the
business of righting the wrong. You are in the process of being set free as you
speak out, expose evil and give opportunity for others to come out of the
darkness into light.

Heidi- I am not saying you are "the evil one". I am simply calling you out on being USED by Him to hurt and hinder others. I know that you are just one of his pawns, and I will not sit idly by and let you play a part in his game without shining light on you. You are in the spotlight Heidi Diaz, and you are on the wrong stage!!!

Now... as I read on in my workbook I was really impressed by a letter written by Victor Matthews to "All who suffer from wrong thinking". His letter speaks to all of us who simply struggle with our weight. I believe we struggle for deeper reasons than carb and calorie counts. Here is his letter. I hope it resonates within you as much as it has for me. He speaks to believers...(if you are not a believer, and wish to become one after reading this, please feel free to contact me)

I am writing this letter to you because I want you to be free from the error
you have accepted about yourself. I know from experience how painful it is to
live that way, how self-defeating it is, how weak we are as we struggle to live
the way we know we should, and how unfulfilled and lonely a life it is.

For some time, I wanted to give you some suggestions regarding your inner
evaluation of yourself. As we talk together, I continually gain the impression
that you have a tendency not to accept fully what God says about you. When we do
that, and I'm not only talking now from the viewpoint of the Bible, but my own
sad experience- we grieve the Holy Spirit of Truth and develop a way of thinking
that will produce failure in some important areas of life. When we accept error
about ourselves, we then develop a concept of self that we cannot but fail to
produce by how we live. It is an inexorable principle: what we believe about ourselves is like a prophecy that we are destined to fulfill!

While I am not completely out of the woods yet, I know the way out. I wish I
could say it is quick and easy, but it is not. When we have accepted error about
ourselves, that acceptance develops into habitual way of looking at ourselves
and then a habitual way of living. Error is so powerful it eventually causes us
to interpret almost everything in its light- instead of in the light of truth!
The result is a form of slavery of the cruelest type.

Our only hope of deliverance is found in the One Who is the Truth- because of
the Fall, our depravity, the continual pressure of the world system, and in
particular, the subtle work of Satan- the Truth is more powerful because it is
of God and it is His promise to work with us and to lead us into the knowledge
and practice of His truth and its freedom.

However, there is no hope of deliverance if we continue to believe error and
to practice it in how we think about ourselves and then in how we live.

I cannot escape the conviction that you have been taught error about
yourself over a long period of time. And I believe the ultimate source of that
teaching is none other than the father of lies (John 8:44) who seeks to deceive
and therefore accuse you (Revelation 12:9-10) so you will not believe the truth
and escape from his slavery. He enjoys our pain and the agony his error

Where we have to begin is where God starts with us- the new birth. It is
vitally important to understand what happened to us then. A good passage to
consider is found in 1 Corinthians 6: 9-11. "Do you not know that the wicked
will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually
immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual
offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers
will inherit the Kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were
washed, you were sanctified, you were justified (declared righteous) in the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. "

These verses tell us that every believer has had a radical and revolutionary inner
spiritual transformation. No matter how sinful we were before the new birth- we
are now washed, sanctified and justified and therefore the inheritors of the
kingdom of God. We may not feel that we are- or think that we are- and we may not live that way (due to acts of failure) but that is what we are by the grace of God in the new birth.

It is at this point that the error you have received with its resultant
deception will put pressure upon you, and perhaps even cause the enemy to work
on you! You will have a tendency to dilute the truth of the former passage by
appealing to your thoughts and feelings about yourself or to some area of your
life where you have failed or are now failing. Such thoughts, feelings, and
failures do not mean we are not born again nor do they mean we are not washed,
sanctified, and justified. In fact, God has warned us that we will have such
problems while this side of heaven. He has clearly stated, "If we say that we
have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us... If we say that
we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us (I John 1:

It has helped me to realize that we seem to have two levels of thinking going
on at the same time. The first level would be that thinking that you are using as
you are reading these lines. The second level is how you are evaluating, mostly
in a negative way, what you are reading. You may be saying to yourself, "Why did
he say that?" or "I wish that could be true about me, " or even worse you may be
thinking, "I don't think there is a way out" (It may help you to read the book
by David Burns, Feeling Good, or one by Aaron Beck called Cognitive Therapy)

So please monitor your thinking and learn to "catch yourself" doing negative
thinking. Most of the time that second level of thinking - that we are barely
aware of- will be negative and will weaken and even ruin the truth that you are
trying to accept and practice.

To reject error we must identify it by evaluating it from the perspective of the Bible and then correct it. The pattern has been given to us by the Lord Jesus in His
temptation. When the tempter, deceiver, accuser and liar said to him, "if you
are the son of God, make these stones turn into bread" what the Savior did was
what we must do. He refused to accept the thought (error). He did not even say
to Himself, "I wonder if I'm the Son of God?" or "If I'm the Son of God why am I
hungry when my Father has promised to supply my need?" or "Maybe I ought to turn those stones into bread and then I'll know for sure I'm the Son of God," or "How
is it possible I"m the Son of God, for the Devil to talk to me?" or "What's
wrong with me, here I am 30 years old and have no following yet?" The Lord Jesus
rejected and corrected the error by and with the truth. He said, "Man shall not
live by bread alone but by every word that proceeded out of the mouth of God. "

It is this painful process of correcting your thinking about yourself that I am recommending to you. The enemy has a very subtle way of teaching us and backing up his teaching by pointing out our failures as well as causing
emotional and even physical support for his work.

Allow me to share a list of a few things that God states about you:

- You are holy and without blame before God- Eph. 1:4

- You have been chosen by God for adoption- Eph 1: 5

- You have been completely forgiven by God- Eph. 1: 7

- You have been sealed with and by the Holy Spirit- Eph. 1: 13

- You are God's inheritance- valuable to Him- Eph. 1: 18

When one is accustomed to negative thinking, one will read the above
statements and immediately weaken them on the basis of some question, some
emotions, or in the light of some past or present failure. A common question
would be, "If that is true, then why...?"

You are a believer; you have been spiritually cleansed- washed- purified, you
are holy and pure; you have been adopted by God; He loves you and likes you: you
are the temple of the Holy Spirit; you have in your life the power of the
Crucifixion, Resurrection, Ascension and the Day of Pentecost; you have been
given gifts and invited to enter in and to participate in the greatest plan ever
devised- to live for the glory of the Lord Jesus; and the list goes on and on.
You must learn to struggle and to live in harmony with what and who you really

Please see your negative thinking about yourself as the sin that it really
is. Ask God to forgive and cleanse you. Surrender yourself to Him and ask Him to
teach you how to accept and live out the truth.

Can you apply any of this to how you feel about yourself, to why you feel compelled to constantly diet, to why you get so miserable when you "fail"? Can you take the risk of denying the lies that you believe about yourself and grasp hold of the truth of God's love for you? Perhaps being made aware of our "wrong thinking" we can then follow Christ's example and correct those errors with truth. The truth is that we are beautiful creations of God, the truth is we don't need Kimmer's approval or support, and the truth is, we don't need to deny ourselves food any more than we don't need to overindulge on junk food.

I honestly believe that recognizing evil for evil and good for good is the only way to go. I now see where Satan has lied to me in my own head... and through the control of others.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Not everyone knows the truth yet....

While I was on spring break many of you know that an Insider Exclusive Report came out explaining and updating information on the lawsuit against Kimkins and Heidi Diaz. It is the most comprehensive news program I've seen done so far. You can watch it here:

But, also while I was on spring break I got in touch with an old friend from Kimkins and discovered something to be true that I have wondered about for awhile. She didn't know about the extent of the fraud or the psychological games that have been discussed so much in our blogs and on LCF, ALC, and many other message boards. I think those of us that keep up to date on things, sometime forget that there is a LARGE population of people who DON'T read these blogs or these other message boards. They ONLY read what goes on inside their challenges or journals. They may have "heard" about the controversy, and seen Heidi's "apology"... but they don't know that her apology was still full of lies, and they simply think she already made up for her "little mistake"... because that's how she makes it seem.

I realized after talking with my friend, that perhaps I have not yet done enough to get the word out about "the whole truth". And I intend to do my own "summary" of eye opening things here today. And with this post, I hope to remind all of those who are already "in the know" that communication and compassion for those left behind is much more important than protecting our own hearts from possible rejection or acting as if anyone still there is just niave or hopeless.

So, the truths I want to point out today are:

1. Heidi Diaz NEVER lost weight using her program or any program. There are NO photos of her smaller than she is now.

2. Heidi Diaz committed fraud when she STOLE multiple photos off the internet to use as "before's and after's" on her testimonial pages.

3. Heidi Diaz wrote fake and false testimonials about her diet.. and even gave herself "praises" in the midst of them.

4. Christin and I were some of her first REAL "success stories", which means we were actually her test subjects.. who did her plan under her directions without knowing that a)she hadn't done it or maintained it b)all the other "success stories" were faked c)the plan was nutritionally deficient d)there was no way to maintain the losses without resorting to continued anorexia.

5. Heidi Diaz is not only a pathological liar, she is also similar to a narcissistic psychotic abuser. (Google it to see the characteristics!)

6. Heidi Diaz often pits people against each other by talking sweetly to you and then telling you "secrets" about others to make them look bad. She loves the Us vs. Them mentality. She is a master at boosting your ego and then making you feel superior to others, hoping that it will keep you separated from others enough to prevent you from learning the truth. She used to have Becky (littlebit) as her confidant. And she had Christin as her confidant. She would lie to each of them about the other, but always sounded so believable and so sweet and you wouldn't realize what was happening until it was too late. After we left, she took Jeannie (tippytoes) as her new best friend. She told Jeannie that Christin and I were the enemy. She told Jeannie that Christin and I were the ones who were lying, and even had Jeannie convinced that we were mean and might hurt her while in NY. She planted fear of us, in hopes that Jeannie would stay away from us, because she knew that once we got together she would then know who was lying and who was not. Jeannie told me that as soon as she sat next to me on that stage on the Morning Show... she saw me smile at her and knew in her heart that Heidi was the liar, and I wasn't capable of being the monster Heidi made me out to be. AFter Jeannie discovered the truth and left, Heidi took on Amyb as her knew best friend. Read Amyb's revelation of the truth between her and Heidi. It shows how twisted and sick Heidi can really be. The list still continues on and on.. but I'm not at liberty to go on with more names at this time.

7. Heidi often uses fake names around on other boards (and inside Kimkins). Becky has proof of the ones inside Kimkins. Others have proof of the ones found around the web. Heidi even uses some of those "fake" personas to purposely hurt people. She created a blog at one point last year to spew ugly lies about me and Christin. She stole our photographs from our trip in NY and put them up with stories about us being lesbians. (Totally false!!!) She likes to try to hurt us emotionally when she realizes how far out of her grasp we now are. To be honest.. I laughed when I saw the blog... because it was so far fetched and such an obvious attempt to distract and hurt us. I have received emails, PM's, and blog comments from her under various names and even without silly disguises that are sick little jabs at my soul. She loves to pick at my faith, and attempt to either use it against me, or persecute me for it. She knows what hurts me from reading my journals and blog posts and uses that knowledge on purpose just to get at me. (But, it doesn't work anymore, because I see her for what she really is now)

8. Heidi Diaz is NOT a foster parent. She still talks about her "kids" and court dates etc... and they are all LIES. She does NOT have foster kids.. she is NOT a CASA... this is all in her mind... and when you read her posts about them even today, you are being fooled. She had her foster kids taken away from her 5 years ago because she LET them drink alcohol underage. Don't fall for this one! It's just more proof at how she is NOT the person you think she is.

9. The plan as written is nutritionally deficient and has caused her "test subjects" (me and Christin and many others) many health problems. These health problems did NOT SHOW UP in obvious ways until we had been on the plan for many months. Dizzy spells, vertigo, hair loss (in large quantites, not just a brush full), heart palpitations, low pulse rates, metabolism problems, feeling cold all the time, insomnia, exhaustion, BM problems, menstrual cycle disruptions and irregularities. Some of these symptoms did show up early on, but they are nonchalantly dismissed as "normal" while on the plan.

10. Anorexia is developed while eating the Kimkins plan. This is not something anyone ever wants to actually admit. But it's true. You don't have to be under 100 lbs to be an anorexic. Anorexia is a psychological disorder. Dr. Melissa Conrad Stoppler wrote:

Anorexia is a condition that goes beyond out-of-control dieting. A person with anorexia initially begins dieting to lose weight. Over time, the weight loss becomes a sign of mastery and control. The drive to become thinner is actually secondary to concerns about control and/or fears relating to one's body. The individual continues the endless cycle of restrictive eating often to a point close to starvation in order to feel a sense of control over the body. This cycle becomes an obsession and is similar to any type of drug or substance addiction

Many times we do not "diagnose" someone as anorexic until they are way below the healthy weight range. But, at this point, it is already too late to deal with it without medical intervention. Reading the signs and symptoms of anorexia you will find that many of the kimkins dieters display most of these signs. Don't discount the possiblility that you might be an anorexic just because you are still overweight. Others signs include: irritablity, easily upset, easily defensive, disrupted sleep patterns, daytime fatigue, a decrease in attention and concentration, obsessive thinking about food and or calories/carb counts, anxiety disorders, overly compliant, compuliveness, depression, slow heart rate, low blood pressure, irregular heart patterns, constipation, menstural cycle disturbance, hormonal imbalances, loss of bone density, potasium defincency, eloctrolyte imbalances, anemia, dry skin, brittle nails, loss of hair.... do any of these sound familiar???? They did to me, and I never even got to goal.

11. Maintenance isn't something Heidi can promise you. She often told me things like "you can have those potatoes again someday... it's only temporary!". And that gave me hope that I wouldn't always have to eat so little. But, I'm here to tell you all honestly that after doing Kimkins... I have gained half of my weight back. I regained about 20 pounds while still dieting... 1200 calories a day approx. 30 carbs a day. I then gave up and stopped counting things and have put on another 10. The Kimkins diet has ruined my chances of ever maintaining a loss or losing again anytime soon. My body is so deeply injured by the starvation mode (you know the thing Heidi told us doesn't exist??) that I no longer have any hopes of getting off the yo-yo diet train. That is one thing that really hurts. Heidi was really good at giving me hope that I could lose the weight and keep it off (just like her!) but it was all lies. Don't be fooled by her lies, this diet is setting you up for regain moreso than any other diet you've ever been on. The longer you are on it... the more painful the regain will be. The longer you are on it, the stronger the fear hold on you will be, and the more likely you will be to fully develop anorexia.

These are just some of the things I told my friend about just last week. I really thought she knew about them all, because I've been faced with all this since last August. And as painful and as shocking as it was for me to discover back then, she experienced the same pain and disbelief just now. The pain is still fresh for her and will be for many others as well. I am so glad that she now knows the truth and has left kimkins, but my heart aches that she had to learn of it in the first place. I cannot give up in the fight against kimkins.

I have a list of old KK screennames, people that once posted in my journals. I am now calling out to all of you, perhaps you too have been unaware of the truth. Please comment and let me know how you are doing, and whether or not this post comes as news to you or not. I know some of you have already left... but I haven't heard from you in awhile, so I've added your names too. :)

Do you know the truth yet? how are you?
Freetoshake, kickingbutt, 2true, cdgreg1, Auchem Hottie, cynful, msdeevee, sochic83, Alli-Cat, LessofMe, Ready2lose, LWWillLose, Vanillasky, Juliawilllose, bubbles4u, starrburst26, suzy, tresninas, saf72, krhudson1, lilthorner, shezza, ddbythesea, swatkins, LACali21, shawwife, nikki_d, bec913, lameke, oceans, jenabug, nomorefattness, baileyjadip, tinkerbell68, hilary244, shan, odette, pottsy29, ebanks, musicjen, binnyblack, msdee56, emilykate, odirish, kristyleeb123, beyondthesea7, shiphips, Momof8wifeof1, Sher, Songbird, Krysti
Please comment!

ETA: If you are afraid to comment for fear of Kimmer retaliation, feel free to email me! deni@memoriescaptured.com I've already heard from one of you this way! I really appreciate hearing from you, and completely understand the situation and fear that comes from inside. It's really just more proof to me at how messed up this whole thing is. If you're afraid Heidi will ban you for commenting here, or harrass you for having read this blog... please think long and hard about what that truly tells you about the relationships within Kimkins!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Another song worth listening to....

I told you before that it seems like everytime I turn around I meet someone or hear a song or see a video expressing how much God loves us.. AS WE ARE.... apparently it's a message that bears repeating.. over and over again. :)

Watch this awesome concert video.. take the time... you're worth it. :)

My favorite line, besides the repeating of how HE LOVES US.... is
"When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me."

Being loved and reminded of that love, is so much bigger than all my struggles. His love eclipses my pain... no wonder I've always been in awe of watching an eclipse. ;)

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Real Me

I heard a song tonight that stopped me in my tracks as another beautiful representation of what I've been learning about in the past year or two.

It seems like I keep hearing more and more people coming to this realization and hearing more and more songs that express it to the world... God sees us for who we really are.

It's so wonderful to know that He created us perfectly and loves us perfectly. All this pretending and masking and hiding and covering is not necessary.

I spent the better part of 2007 trying to force my body to look as worthy as my heart.

Then I spent the rest of 2007 feeling shame and guilt for both failing at keeping my body at that standard, and at being misled along the way.

When all the while, the Lord has been loving me.. the real me... just as I am. Both fat and skinny, over eating, and starving. He knows who I am... not based on my performance or my appearance.

Listen to this song by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

I want to be me... I want to be who I really am- and I want everyone who meets me to know the real me. I think I've grown up enough to be able to handle it if someone doesn't like the real me. Because it really doesn't matter anymore... the only opinion that matters is already formed based on full knowledge of who I am.

Psalm 139:13-16 The Message
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thanks Jeanessa!

This week I was very inspired by a wonderful woman in the fight against Kimkins. Jeanessa...
Her blog post not only inspired me, but it gave me hope and joy and a satisfaction of knowing that the world is not all bad. :)

Then this morning, in my quiet time I saw some verses that reminded me of Jeanessa.
James 3:17-18 (The Message Translation)
Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characteriszed by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy and robust community that lives right with God and enjoy results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

Has anyone ever really thought about the fact that as Christians we are called to love one another in order that we would then be recognized as followers of Jesus based on that characteristic?

Well, Jeanessa.. I just wanted you to know that I recognized Jesus in you.... and I'm so honored to call you "sister".

Friday, March 7, 2008

How do You see?

I've put together a video of a song that has been continually instrumental in helping me learn to see ME the way God does instead of letting my self image be defined by things I've done or things that were done to me.
I hope it helps someone else out there too....

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Self Revelation

Lately I have been really looking deeper into how my eating habits effect who I am, how "who I am" effects my eating habits, and how my relationship with the Lord fits in with it all.

I had a really insightful quiettime this morning and was convicted by something about myself that I hadn't realized.

I know that this is the internet, and a public place, but I feel it's important for me to share what I've learned in order to help others who may be struggling with the same thing. These are some very intimate and personal revelations about myself... someone who I am really just getting to know.

For as long as I can remember I have always had a low self-esteem. I have always been critical of everything about myself and could never believe that anyone would really like me if they really knew me. Just as people would start to get close to me, I would start making ugly comments to myself, preparing myself for when they would see me for who I really was and leave me stranded. Somewhere along the way, I started to find a little bit of "comfort" in hating myself.
Hating myself and punishing myself (through food deprivation or throwing up or binging) was something I felt I deserved. It helped keep me locked inside, it provided a reason to hide, and it gave me an easy out to cry about when I would fail at my attempts. (i.e. messing up on my "diet" and eating junk).

My whole life has been spent in this cycle, and the actual reason and purpose for it wasn't because of my self esteem issues.... the Lord showed me this morning, it was actually because I took comfort in the feelings that self pity gave me. Self pity is nice... self pity protects me from getting hurt. (If I say it about myself, it doesn't hurt so much to hear someone else say it.)
Self pity was my way of thinking that I could punish myself... and my refusal to truly believe that someone (Jesus) had already taken that punishment upon himself.

All of this (behavior and beliefs) pushed me into a cave of lonliness that I would claim to be a miserable place.. but in all honesty... it was a place I took great care to build.
My lonliness was a comfortable, familiar place where I could crawl up and soak in the comfort of being alone. And pride lived there with me. I took pride in being alone. This lonley, prideful place was a place where I could control how much pain I felt.

But today... my heart has been opened... the Lord revealed to me that this place I've called home for so long is a filthy prison. I am sorry for believing that I could control who gets to love me. I am sorry for using self pity and self hatred as a tool to nurse my wounds when I should have been simply looking to the cross. I am sorry for taking pride in my lonliness and encouraging the cycle of sin that raged beneath the surface of my body. And with all this repentance... I feel a freedom and a "fresh air" in my soul that I am almost scared of. But it's a good fear... it's the fear one has as they embark on a journey into new territory... territory they only dared to dream about in the past.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

What the heck is inner beauty anyway????

Exactly 1 year and 4 days ago today, I started the Kimkins.com diet. I started it with the best of intentions, and even named my journal appropriately... "Ready to match my inner beauty".

Regardless of the hassles and dangers and craziness in the past year because of Kimkins.com the root of my journey still relies on just that... inner beauty.

While reading in my Bible the other day, I noticed that the "chapter heading" on The Message Translation in 1 Peter 3 said, "Cultivate Inner Beauty". I got my highlighter pen ready and devoured the words as if they were a krispy kreme donut!!! :)

Verses 1 thru 7 seem to be a message to wives and husbands. But, if you really read it closely you'll see an important message.
I'll post in both NIV and The Message translations:

1 Peter 3:4 NIV
Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight".

The Message
Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.

Later in vs. 6b it uses Sarah as an example.

You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

The Message
You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

While the context is that of a wife married to an non-christian man... the actual descriptions are of INNER BEAUTY.

So... according to these few verses.. inner beauty is:
being gentle, kind, having a quiet spirit (unanxious), being brave (unafraid) and not intimidated!

We can have this inner beauty because the Lord is our confidence. (Proverbs 3:25) He will keep us safe and sound.

I have never looked at being unanxious or unitimidated as qualities to describe inner beauty... and yet, here it is in plain English.

And I recognize that the anxiety I have allowed to take a foothold in my life in the aftermath of the eating disorder called Kimkins.com is hindering me from cultivating my innermost desire.

Now, lets dig even deeper. Skip over the husband stuff.. and read on in 1 Peter 3:8-9
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

The Message
Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you. No exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless- that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing.

So, more examples of inner beauty for us all:
Be in harmony with one another!! That means, not squabbling or fighting or causing meaningless arguments. Not stubborn advancement for "self"

Be sympathetic- comfort those who are hurting
Be loving, compassionate, humble.

And, here is some of what NOT to do:
No retaliation! That means, no revenge.... not even with the tongue (using sarcasm or hurtful words)

And final we get blessings when we give blessings... and to quote Psalm 34:5 we have one more mention of inner beauty:
"Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame"

I want to be radiant... not thin.
I want to cultivate inner beauty... not become worried and fixated on my outward appearance.

I now see that once again, the Word is the answer to all of my questions and I rest assured that while the Lord is my confidence, I will not fail at becoming the bride he intends me to be for Him. With a repentant heart, I can now seek that inner beauty with much more direction than I did last year.

I know where I can get some inner beauty for free!!!

He's already paid my fee, and made it possible for me to have all these qualities!!!