Friday, September 7, 2007

No more pretending....

I recently over"heard" someone saying.. "It seems like we're going on as if nothing is wrong, Isn't something wrong here?"

And it truly reminded me of something from my childhood.

This whole situation, reminds me of dysfunction in my own family when I was growing up. For those of you who grew up in perfectly normal healthy families.. you probably won't understand this post.. but to the rest of you... I'm quite certain I'm not alone in this feeling.

I remember feeling like the person who I "overheard" when I was a child.

I remember wondering why no one was talking about the obvious problem we were having.. and I even remember wanting to scream it... "HEY.. Something is WRONG here.. why are you pretending like everything is fine??"... but.. there was a strong power in the "pretend" factor in my family... and I only screamed them out in my head. But, the silence was deafening...

I remember loving the person who was causing me pain, and loving the people who ignored it and looked away when I needed them the most. And I remember grasping for the strength that the "unity" of our "pretending" gave us. I knew somehow, that IF I did get up and shout "This is wrong!!" that it would divide us... and perhaps hurt even more. So, I pretended... and hid... and wasted YEARS of my life shutting out the truth of who I was in order to protect the power of the pretend story.

I recognize that this is happening right now, and that there are lots of ADULTS who are getting stuck in the "pretend this isn't happening" mode. Even the one who is causing the pain is pretending there's nothing wrong.

I am here to tell you all, that when you get glared at for asking questions, and hushed for wondering things.... it's because it goes against the whole "pretend this problem isn't here" syndrome. Please don't let this go on. Don't allow yourself to quiet your own instincts. Don't think that speaking your mind, or asking your questions will have to mean you've betrayed someone. The truth is, that by quieting your questions, and ignoring the "red flags" that go up in your heart... you are betraying yourself. We are all grown ups now... it's time to stand up and stop being afraid. Time to stop being afraid of believing in OURSELVES. Time to stop being afraid of rocking the boat... time to stop pretending that something just doesn't feel right about this whole situation. And time, once and for all... to be responsible in a position so similar to the ones that remind us of our childhood... and be the adult who says "That's enough".

I know I wished that someone in my family would have stood up and said that when I was a child. I couldn't do it then... for I was young. But now, I am all grown up... and I won't force others to wonder why I wasn't "making it stop".

And I can stand up and say "This isn't right", and still love and be willing to help at the same time. Whether or not my "family" chooses to accept that love and help is up to them... but it doesn't change the fact that I do love them, just as my Father in heaven does.

By not pretending, you are saying that you are going to betray the secret... but that doesn't mean you are betraying the people involved. Imagine this was like when I was a child. If you had been able to prevent me from getting hurt just by speaking up and telling my family that what you had seen wasn't right? Would you have? Would that mean you were betraying the person that was hurting me? OR would it just mean that you were shining a light in the darkness? Perhaps the person that was hurting me was so deep in the dark that he didn't even know it was wrong anymore!

Just think about it okay? I know it's a different situation.. but the underlying patterns are exactly the same whether you recongize it yet or not.

I am not pretending anymore that nothing is wrong. What about you?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Feeling Light with Forgiveness

I just posted this on my little message board... but I think it's important that I continue to share from my heart out here on my blog!

You can comment here.. or if you want more privacy, you can comment in on the message board. :)
Here's my post:

Have you ever stopped to think about why you feel certian things sometimes? I've noticed lately that my mood really has a lot to do with how I feel physically. When I am worried or anxious... or angry and resentful.. my stomach is in knots, my shoulders hurt and the effort to even frown seems to be too much. I "feel" fatter on days when I'm grumpy.. my pants seem to be too tight, and the image in the mirror.. with it's complimentary frown.. is not something I can be proud of. My husband and my kids can always tell right away when something is wrong with me.. dh describes my mood as "heavy".
And I recognize now.. that is part of what kept me so "heavy" for so long. I might have faked my smiles and told everyone I was fine.. and gone about my life ignoring my physical pains.. but deep inside.. I felt all these reactions to being hurt.. and staying hurt... stubbornly staying miserable.

And then.. somewhere along this journey. I discovered that people weren't something to be afraid of. People weren't something to keep at arms length away. People didn't see me they way my physical condition felt.I also discovered that the more I opened up to people.. the better I started to feel. I learned that people were glad to be around me... and people were happy to know me. And that felt good. That was the beginnings of my learning about joy.

I didn't need food to make me feel good.. I now had people in my life who read my thoughts (literally) and liked me! I remember a few pages in my Kimkins journal... when I mentioned realizing that people liked me.. and for like 2 pages.. I had people come in and just tell me that they liked me. It felt wierd at first.. but it did something inside me and it energized me and filled my heart with something more important than what I was filling my stomach with. Acceptance.
Then... somewhere along the way... I got into the whole "drama" and ended up finding out that lots of people didn't like me! (well, I guess that's kind of harsh, since those people didn't even know me...) but anyway.. they said things to me that made me feel very NOT LIKED.. and it hurt. BUT.. it didn't take away all the good stuff I had already learned. It made me feel sympathy!
I almost took that negative stuff and let it get to me. I almost let it build up in my stomach, my shoulders, my face.. my heart.... but I realized quickly how HEAVY it was making me feel. So.. I went deep into prayer.. and came back to feeling the joy that I had been taught for the past 8 months. And I discovered that JOY is much more powerful than any of those negative feelings!
so.. I dug a little deeper... and realized that the reason why the things those people said made me so upset had nothing to do with today's events. What they were saying was hurting me, because I had grown up with a fear of dissapointing others. (I'm sharing this here.. because I have a feeling that I'm not the only one!) so... thru prayer.. I let the Lord show me WHY i feared dissappointing others so much. And you know what? I found out it was because someone had dissappointed me a long time ago... and I had never forgiven that person.
So... that's what happened to me this past week. I forgave that person.. 100% completely free and clear for the way that they had dissappointed me. It was like a light being turned on in my head when I did it... a light that showed me suddenly that my fear of being hurt had robbed me of many years of relating to that person in a healthy way. And... the only way to "make up" for that... was with real forgiveness... of her.. and of myself.
Guess what... It feels so much better now! :)
I honestly feel "lighter" because of it, and my stomach isn't knotting up in response to all of "today's drama", and my shoulders are relaxed, and my face is relaxed. There is a power in forgiveness that will help us with our weight problems.. and even more so with our self esteem. Holding a grudge, subconsiously... forces us to "carry a weight" that we don't need to carry. so try it... let it go! Forgive whoever has hurt you.. and let your JOY be full! :) :)

Monday, September 3, 2007

Welcome to My Open Bench

The story behind this blog: (A copy of the post on my last blog)

Today's post has been being formed in my mind for the past 2 or 3 weeks now. As some of my Kimkins friends know.. I have really been seeking the Lord's guidance, and I have been praying without ceasing. He has been giving me strength, encouragement, and now courage to do what I must do.
He gave me a vision a few weeks ago... of Kimkins as a "fast moving train"... seeing that train in my vision was scary to watch.. and then I saw myself sitting alone on a bench watching the train go by. Then people saw me there, and would come sit with me on the bench. We put up a few "signs" to tell people who were getting on and off the train that over here on my "bench" things were all about support and friendship and healing, and that the Lord was going to be with us on the bench. When I first had this vision, I felt that the Lord was telling me to stay at Kimkins, but to be more like a quiet presence of peace instead of the loud train conductor. So... that is what I have been doing. But now.. I am recognizing that the bench was NOT ON THE TRAIN!
I know that some people have seen my "signs" inside of Kimkins and they have told me that they have been touched by my presence, to them I pray that they will still look for me and try to understand this post without feeling betrayed. I also know that there are people outside of Kimkins who have been judging my actions and accusing me of blindness. To those people, I must say, that I have not had a "log in my eye"... and I have already had my heart and mind judged by the most high.. and that I have no need for their judgements or "shame tactics". I have been, and still am following the promtings of God.. and I have been waiting upon HIS timing for everything. To be honest.. in response to some of the personal attacks.. I see them as that.. attacks from Satan who knows that things like that tend to make me stubborn!!! So.. I am submitting to the Lord's will in this rather than reacting to those attacks the way that Satan wanted me to!
In case you haven't figured it out yet.. I am leaving Kimkins. I am leaving because I have learned some things that make me doubt the integrity of the founder, and because I have been used for purposes that go against my personality, my moral, and my conscience. I was decieved, and yet.. I still do not regret or doubt that the Lord called me to be there.. I simply accept now, that my work there is done.. and that the plans HE had for me there.. have been completed.
I will be starting a new blog... without the Kimkins address attached to it.. and will continue to keep my FOCUS on the work that God is doing in my life to turn me into a healthy example of HIS glory and creation. I know that He intended for me to learn a healthier way of eating.. and he his still teaching me about that. I also know that He wants to continue to use me as a witness to other hurting people.
He wants desperately to heal the INNER hurts that we have, and that takes time. I am NOT a finished work yet.... so I will go and sit on my bench now, and let God continue to reform me in His image.