The Real Me

I heard a song tonight that stopped me in my tracks as another beautiful representation of what I've been learning about in the past year or two.

It seems like I keep hearing more and more people coming to this realization and hearing more and more songs that express it to the world... God sees us for who we really are.

It's so wonderful to know that He created us perfectly and loves us perfectly. All this pretending and masking and hiding and covering is not necessary.

I spent the better part of 2007 trying to force my body to look as worthy as my heart.

Then I spent the rest of 2007 feeling shame and guilt for both failing at keeping my body at that standard, and at being misled along the way.

When all the while, the Lord has been loving me.. the real me... just as I am. Both fat and skinny, over eating, and starving. He knows who I am... not based on my performance or my appearance.

Listen to this song by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

I want to be me... I want to be who I really am- and I want everyone who meets me to know the real me. I think I've grown up enough to be able to handle it if someone doesn't like the real me. Because it really doesn't matter anymore... the only opinion that matters is already formed based on full knowledge of who I am.

Psalm 139:13-16 The Message

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

My unsaid responses....

Today I will take some points made by Jeannie at the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet and give the reply that I didn't have the opportunity to say on the show.


Jeannie: (in response to who is Kimmer?) Uhm…Kimmer is in fact Heidi Diaz. Uhm, none of us really knew that. You guys didn’t know it...

My response:
Yes.. we did know it was Heidi. Christin often spoke to Kimmer on the phone.. sometimes she would ask to speak with Heidi, sometimes she would ask to speak with Kimmer... she always got the same person, the same voice... no matter who she "answered" as. I emailed with Heidi Diaz as Kimmer... they were one and the same to me... I even signed my "model release form" to Heidi Diaz... so, yes.. I knew Kimmer was Heidi Diaz, so did Christin, and so did Becky. You can't tell us that we didn't know who she was. Perhaps Kimmer/Heidi Diaz was lying to you and convincing you that we didn't know for sure.. but the truth of the matter is... we did know, and that shouldn't be a surprise to you.

Jeannie:I think maybe she fell off the wagon and gained her weight back. Listen, it’s tough.

My response:
If she "fell off the wagon"... where are the pictures of her at goal? When did she gain it back? How long did she "keep it off"? I doubt very much that she ever lost the weight... there is NO PROOF that she ever lost weight.. the only proof out there is that she is overweight. When she is able to produce proof that she at one point PRIOR to now utilized the Kimkins program and lost weight, then we can give her sympathy for "gaining it back"... but for now... I only see a woman who ridicules people for eating the very things that she has never given up.

Jeannie: Did she use some poor marketing tactics? Well yes, absolutely

My response:
Poor marketing tactics??????? Theft and fraud are about the worst marketing tactics you can use!!!! How dare you try to gloss it over and make it sound like a minor mishap. She blatantly stole photos from the internet... completely fabricated stories about herself and others and based her entire business on nothing but lies. That's not "poor marketing tactics" that's fraud, that's a crime, and it's not something to just giggle about as a "whoops".

Jeannie: 800 minimum calories, 1500 maximum

My response:
I will copy and paste directly from an email from Kimmer herself. (Remember, she is the founder of this diet.. and she is the one who sets the "rules" of the diet. Not you Jeannie!)
Kimmer's words in response to questions about people who think Kimkins is proana:

Low Calories/Pro AnaWe are low calorie after ketosis kicks in or with the shake
option, but those calories are identical to post-WLS patients (500 cal a day for
months), original Optifast and Medifast (450-700 cal a day for months). I
don't think we can fight the "1200 calorie a day mentality". Some people
cannot understand that your body takes the calories it needs from body fat if
the calories you eat are too low to sustain current weight. If you need
2500 calories (250 lb person) and eat 500 (number picked for easy math), the
other 2000 are taken from body fat. In Jimmy's interview I meant what I
said about take a Weight Watcher or Jenny Craig meal and remove the
starches. What's left? Kimkins. There is no health advantage
to adding carbs or extra fat, so why is removing them (and having less calories)
dangerous? 1200 calories a day is an arbitrary number (like 8 glasses of water).
Anorexia is a psychological disorder. Do we have people with ED on
Kimkins? Of course. I weighed 318 pounds and you don't get that big
without an improper relationship with food so I have an ED. But low
calories aren't an ED, otherwise all of the WLS patients would be medically
classified anorexic.

I have seen Kimmer on NUMEROUS occasions tell people to eat less, even when they were eating less than 800 calories a day. She personally recommended to me when I started to stick to ranges between 600 and 800, and to drop to closer to 500 if I stalled. This is what Kimkins is... there is no way you can possibly stick to the "rules" of the plan and end up with more than 800 calories on a regular basis.

Jeannie: NO (in response to do you recommend laxatives)

My response:
Another direct quote from Kimmer herself:

all I'm suggesting is someone take a regular dose for 1-2 days and then a 25-50%
dose each day after.

Kimmer often told me that Milk of Magnesium was a mild laxative that we perfectly safe to take on a daily basis and that it in no way would lead to a dependency. In going back over my own journals I realized that I was dependent on MOM while I was doing the Kimkins plan as written. I worried about taking it on a daily basis, so I only took it every 3 days or so... but I could NOT go to the bathroom without it. A full dose according to the bottle was 2 to 4 tablespoons.. in the beginning I used 2, but within a month I was needing 4 tablespoons in order to "go". After I finished off my second LARGE bottle.. I started to feel "guilty" about the laxative use.. and I switched to the Smooth Move Tea that so many others were recommending (including Kimmer). I had my "tea" every other day in order to stay "regular". I could NOT "go" without it until I stopped using the Kimkins plan. This was not just me... this might be my personal example, but I honestly felt that I had it under control much more so than the others on the site. I saw people left and right suggesting to someone in a "stall"... that perhaps they should up their dose of MOM and hope for a "whoosh" the next day. (and these "stalls" that people were having were people who had lost 5 pounds in a week, and had no change on the scale for 1 or 2 days.... please note: THIS IS NOT A TRUE STALL- THIS IS YOUR BODIES CHANCE TO CATCH UP AND RECOVER FROM THE SEVERE TRAUMA IT IS EXPERIENCING DURING FAST RAPID WEIGHT LOSS!!!)

Jeannie: We’re always willing to make positive changes

My response: Jeannie, if you want to make positive changes that will really help people... I think you need to take a hard honest look at all of this. Positive changes will only be like dipping a razorblade in chocolate syrup. It might look better from the outside, and it might even taste sweet at first.. but in the end you will find that the real "core" of Kimkins is going to hurt you in the end. Jeannie, if you really care about all these women who are writing to you... please don't force them to think that there is nothing wrong with Kimkins. You know as well as I do that there is something wrong with it. And making positive changes would serve you and the overweight community better if they were made elsewhere, under a different name, and based on a different plan. You can't layer the chocolate thick enough over this razorblade... it will always have a dangerous center to it...

Jeannie: I believe it can be used safely. Do I believe that anyone should stay on five hundred calories a day to lose a hundred pounds in five months? No. In fact, ladies, I went behind you and I read your posts and as moderators I felt you set a poor example for other people. I really do
My response:
Kimkins can't be used safely. Kimkins, once ketosis sets in will never add up to more than 800 calories. The diet itself is designed for rapid weight loss... which, unfortunately isn't safe. I wanted it to be safe just as much as you all do... but it just isn't. The plan is too general.. there are no safeguards in place. Sure.. the veggie list might have some healthy vegetables in it, but it doesn't ever tell you that you need to eat more than just 2 cups of lettuce a day. All of the "up to's" on the plan were specifically worded that way because Kimmer knows that the lower the better. And I'm sorry, but 2 cups of lettuce 2x a day (your example) is not a nutritionally sound diet. There isn't much in lettuce Jeannie... and if you think that a handful of lettuce at lunch and dinner is going to provide members with enough vitamins and minerals to sustain their bodies on a daily basis... you are sadly mistaken. As far as the 500 calories a day for 5 months statement... well... that is exactly the way that Kimmer intends the Kimkins diet to be. She praised Christin for the way she worked the plan. The 500 a day for as long as you need to is exactly what Kimmer suggests, exactly what works, and exactly what gets the results that she offers to her members.
As for mine and Christin's posts as moderators... I know NOW that when I shared from my experience that I was setting an unhealthy example. But I also know that I was setting a true Kimkins example as well. I believed 110% in the plan too... and I DID the plan 110% all the time, and all of my posts were examples of Kimkins the way Kimmer intended it to be. I thought that I was eating in a healthy manner, because Kimmer told me it was okay... she told me that I had enough fat on my body to sustain me... I thought I was leading others on to success… because I had such success… but NOW I know better. Now I know that the “ranges” I gave as my examples of eating were not nutritionally sound, and my diet was a starvation diet that will lead to many negative health problems. Hmmm but… I was doing Kimkins… does that mean Jeannie, that you are admitting that Kimkins is a starvation diet? Are you sending everyone a cryptic message that my example of the Kimkins diet in 100% commitment was a poor example?????? That Kimkins itself is a poor example for other people??? Jeannie… I agree with your perception of my posts. I came forward once I realized how WRONG my beliefs about eating were… and that’s exactly why I went on this show! I am SORRY for my part in Kimkins. I am SORRY for doing this diet and encouraging others to do the same. I now want to make up for that by setting a better example for other people… and that better example… to put it simply… is NOT Kimkins.

Jeannie: But the fact that Christin didn’t tell her doctor what was going on tells me that Christin knew it was bad

My response:
EXACTLY!!! Jeannie, I do believe you’re starting to see our side of the story! Somewhere deep inside I think you just realized that Kimkins is bad!

Jeannie: I did take it on knowing

My response:
Well, if you really knew that the diet was nutritionally deficient and unhealthy and you also knew that the founder/inventor of the diet never used it herself and manipulated everyone around her for her sole benefit… then what does that tell us about your character? If you took it on because you are a caring person and you wanted to change it and save everyone from the dangers of it, then why are you still supporting Heidi? If you really want to help people… why are you sticking up for a woman who in her own sickness takes pleasure in watching people starve themselves based on her advice? If you really care about people who want to lose weight, then why do you support the business of someone who manipulates and lies to people at every turn.
Jeannie... please, be careful… I don’t think you took this on truly knowing how sick your boss is. I’m not warning you as a “hater”… I’m speaking out of concern, because I have seen with my own eyes how your boss will turn on the people closest to her at the drop of a hat and lash out against them. You are the closest one to her now, and as her “situation” gets more and more desperate, I worry that you might be in harm’s way.




Backstage- Jeannie, you told us that you would make it your personal goal to get our photos removed from the website and advertising. It’s been a week now. Both of our pictures are still in the success story rotation, and they are also being used as affiliate link banners. If you tried to get Heidi to remove them, and she refused… can you perhaps recognize that she might not be the sweet little innocent woman who tragically gained her weight back… and she might actually be the vengeful, mean spirited uncaring woman that we have come to know? And if you haven’t tried to get them removed yet… please do… we no longer “sing praises” to Kimkins… it makes no PR sense to utilize photos and stories of people who are in opposition to your program.

More Darkness Brought to Light

Watch Part 2 of the Video

Then check out the exposure of the faked success stories found at Russian Mail Order Bride Websites!!!!!!!! http://kimkinsexposed.wordpress.com/fake-success-story-pictures/

There is no denying the fraud now.
I am literally speechless today.

Where was the warning label????

I just got back from my first visit to the doctor since January. The nurse who checked me in, actually came and asked me if it was possible that someone recorded my weight wrong the last time I was there.
I proudly said, "No.. I really did weigh that much before"
For a moment, I was proud again of my accomplishments.. for a moment

then, she asked me, "why are you here today?"

And I had to tell her the truth... and with a downward, broken hearted glance, I had to tell her that because of that wonderful, rapid weight loss that she was just gushing over me for... I needed to have the doctor run some tests to see if I had done any damage to myself or not.

She immediately stopped gushing over my weight loss... took down some notes, and shook her head as she walked out of the room.

The doctor came in... so proud and ecstatic to see my weight loss.. knowing that he and I had discussed it many times over the past few years, and then as he listened to HOW I lost the weight (with Kimkins- low carb, low fat, and usually 600-800 calories) he said... "Well, starvation always works doesn't it... but hopefully you only lost weight and nothing else important for your body to function properly."
I had to tell him all of my symptoms.. and I had to admit them to myself first. I had truly felt all along that I was 100% healthier because of losing my weight. He and I both discussed the fact that I no longer have back pain, restless leg syndrome, insomnia, or low blood sugar "shakes" in the morning.

But.. then we also discussed the fact that I did experience some negative side effects from my NUTRITIONALLY DEFICIENT diet. And.. I was lucky.. I only had a few.. and they were not constant.. so I usually just brushed them to the side of my mind and ignored them as "oh, that's normal".
Here's my side effects:
1. extra periods (told this was normal)
2. loss of hair ... loss of about 60% of my thickness if not more. (told it was normal, and even looked it up online for myself! Saw that it said it was common in people who were dieting and skimmed over the part that said "fad diets" or nutritionally deficient diets.)
3. Lightheaded dizzy spells- never mentioned these to anyone .. they were not an everyday occurrence, and I had them sometimes prior to this diet so I easily ignored them.
4. Weird blurred vision- like my eyes would dilate at different degrees... things would get fuzzy and look far away and warped.. I would then readjust my own "focus" and a few minutes later it was back to normal. Again.. I didn't mention it.. figured it was a fluke.. it only happened a few times.
5. heart flutters- never mentioned these to anyone either. Even when they happened, I dismissed them in my mind as quickly as I could. (these are still happening randomly)

Other strange things I noticed:
6. Peanut butter CRAVINGS... like really super cravings... and I knew I wasn't the only one having this. I read post after post after post about people who were feeling guilty for giving into peanut butter or any kind of nuts. So, I wrote this off as "normal"
7. Milkshake CRAVINGS... again.. these cravings were much stronger than any craving I'd ever had before dieting. I heard lots of other people also talk about craving milkshakes, including my mom who also did the diet.

both of these "cravings" were something that I, along with many others, chalked up to a strange coincidence, and I either ignored it.. or caved in a little and then felt extremely guilty about it.
Now, I'm really wondering if there is something in the peanut butter(nuts) and milk shakes that our bodies were SCREAMING for!!! Like maybe more fat? Calcium?

I often typed in "listen to your body" over and over again in posts.. and it wasn't until late August that I started to realize that even cravings were a way that our body tells us what it needs.


Anyway... I still don't know if there's anything wrong with me or not.. my doctor has ordered lots of tests to see where I'm "depleted" of certain things, and warned me strongly that while being extremely overweight isn't good for your health, or for you heart... that sometimes losing it all super fast and not getting all the nutrients necessary for bodily functions.. is an even quicker route to heart disease.

So, now I'm wondering.. where inside Kimkins does it list "possible side effects"? Where is the "warning label", the "if these symptoms arise, get it checked out announcement" ?
With EVERY weight loss pill or plan that I've ever been on, there has been a warning list.. and a "common side effects" or even "in extreme cases side effects" list.. that I always read. I know myself.. and I just about always choose NOT to take medicines that have side effects that concern me. If I had been warned about these things, I don't think I would have joined. If I had been warned about the possibility of these things, I certainly would not have convinced others to join!

The sad part really is, is that I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one with these symptoms until I started reading OFFSITE.I hated reading those "other forums" because they made everything sound so bad. They made me feel bad, and they exaggerated things so much. But, the symptoms they mentioned sounded vaguely familiar to me. They knotted up my stomach, and made me want to either fight or run away and pretend I never heard what they said.
I saw some try to fight them....
and I resorted to my usual, curl up and ignore it technique for awhile.

If I did mention my worries to others inside Kimkins I only got pats on the back and reassurances that of course everything would be fine, and "that's normal, don't worry!"

And NOW.. it's even worse.. if you even ask about a negative effect, you're likely to be "accused" of stirring up the pot, or if you point out your negative side effects, you're likely to get banned. :(

How is that safe for other members??? Shouldn't everyone be made aware of symptoms to be on the look out for? I'm sure there are lots more negative effects that I didn't have... and from the stories I've heard elsewhere.. I can only count myself lucky.

This is not a joking matter, this is not time for a "band-aid" announcement that "of course, you should always check with your doctor". Or even comments to make those of us who "ignored symptoms" appear stupid or crazy or "extreme". This is time to get real and time to take your health seriously.

How many of you truly talked to your doctors about your plan?
Did you show him the food list?
Did you mention that you really only eat a few items on that list?
Did you show him your fitday?
Did you write symptoms off as normal because you heard someone else had the same thing?

I said that one of the reasons why I wanted to lose weight was because I wanted to be here long enough to see my kids and future grand kids grow up.

Now, it's possible that losing weight has lowered the chances of that actually happening.

I remember when we often joked about how Kimkins didn't need that little small print disclaimer of "results not typical" on our success stories.

Perhaps she does need to put up a disclaimer that "results ARE typical" on the side effects listing!!!

If you're still doing Kimkins, as written or not... please stop for awhile and really take a look at your own symptoms. Don't glorify your "pros" list and minimize your "cons" list.

You can get those "pros" with lots of safe plans, and eliminate the cons. Just think about it. And don't ignore the promptings of your heart right now.