Everything that really matters

Christmas Roses?

I just have to share this story that was posted on Low Carb Discussion the other day....

I hope it moves in your heart the way it did in mine.

Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you. :)

"Good afternoon, can I help you?"

Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I . . . I need
an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Christmas ? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she
continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this
Christmas?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything
that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I
have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer,

"Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked
back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an
arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed
thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped;
there were no flowers.

"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched - was this
a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for
laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think
after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its
significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said,
as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with . . . uh . . . she left
with no flowers!"

"That's right," said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the
'Special'. I call it the Christmas Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into
the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the
clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just
lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had
gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I
had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my
life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband,
no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've
always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned
Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I
cried out, 'Why? Why me?!' It took time for me to learn that the dark
times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of
my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort!
You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and
from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had
tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost
a baby and I'm angry with God."

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life" Sandra
said to the clerk. "It's all too . . . fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that
the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential
care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a
crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent
the thorns."

"I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to
choke out. "What do I owe you?"

"Nothing! Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart! The
first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to
your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read:

"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a
thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the
glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that
I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that,
through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns.

God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you.
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the
rest to God."

My unsaid responses....

Today I will take some points made by Jeannie at the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet and give the reply that I didn't have the opportunity to say on the show.


Jeannie: (in response to who is Kimmer?) Uhm…Kimmer is in fact Heidi Diaz. Uhm, none of us really knew that. You guys didn’t know it...

My response:
Yes.. we did know it was Heidi. Christin often spoke to Kimmer on the phone.. sometimes she would ask to speak with Heidi, sometimes she would ask to speak with Kimmer... she always got the same person, the same voice... no matter who she "answered" as. I emailed with Heidi Diaz as Kimmer... they were one and the same to me... I even signed my "model release form" to Heidi Diaz... so, yes.. I knew Kimmer was Heidi Diaz, so did Christin, and so did Becky. You can't tell us that we didn't know who she was. Perhaps Kimmer/Heidi Diaz was lying to you and convincing you that we didn't know for sure.. but the truth of the matter is... we did know, and that shouldn't be a surprise to you.

Jeannie:I think maybe she fell off the wagon and gained her weight back. Listen, it’s tough.

My response:
If she "fell off the wagon"... where are the pictures of her at goal? When did she gain it back? How long did she "keep it off"? I doubt very much that she ever lost the weight... there is NO PROOF that she ever lost weight.. the only proof out there is that she is overweight. When she is able to produce proof that she at one point PRIOR to now utilized the Kimkins program and lost weight, then we can give her sympathy for "gaining it back"... but for now... I only see a woman who ridicules people for eating the very things that she has never given up.

Jeannie: Did she use some poor marketing tactics? Well yes, absolutely

My response:
Poor marketing tactics??????? Theft and fraud are about the worst marketing tactics you can use!!!! How dare you try to gloss it over and make it sound like a minor mishap. She blatantly stole photos from the internet... completely fabricated stories about herself and others and based her entire business on nothing but lies. That's not "poor marketing tactics" that's fraud, that's a crime, and it's not something to just giggle about as a "whoops".

Jeannie: 800 minimum calories, 1500 maximum

My response:
I will copy and paste directly from an email from Kimmer herself. (Remember, she is the founder of this diet.. and she is the one who sets the "rules" of the diet. Not you Jeannie!)
Kimmer's words in response to questions about people who think Kimkins is proana:

Low Calories/Pro AnaWe are low calorie after ketosis kicks in or with the shake
option, but those calories are identical to post-WLS patients (500 cal a day for
months), original Optifast and Medifast (450-700 cal a day for months). I
don't think we can fight the "1200 calorie a day mentality". Some people
cannot understand that your body takes the calories it needs from body fat if
the calories you eat are too low to sustain current weight. If you need
2500 calories (250 lb person) and eat 500 (number picked for easy math), the
other 2000 are taken from body fat. In Jimmy's interview I meant what I
said about take a Weight Watcher or Jenny Craig meal and remove the
starches. What's left? Kimkins. There is no health advantage
to adding carbs or extra fat, so why is removing them (and having less calories)
dangerous? 1200 calories a day is an arbitrary number (like 8 glasses of water).
Anorexia is a psychological disorder. Do we have people with ED on
Kimkins? Of course. I weighed 318 pounds and you don't get that big
without an improper relationship with food so I have an ED. But low
calories aren't an ED, otherwise all of the WLS patients would be medically
classified anorexic.

I have seen Kimmer on NUMEROUS occasions tell people to eat less, even when they were eating less than 800 calories a day. She personally recommended to me when I started to stick to ranges between 600 and 800, and to drop to closer to 500 if I stalled. This is what Kimkins is... there is no way you can possibly stick to the "rules" of the plan and end up with more than 800 calories on a regular basis.

Jeannie: NO (in response to do you recommend laxatives)

My response:
Another direct quote from Kimmer herself:

all I'm suggesting is someone take a regular dose for 1-2 days and then a 25-50%
dose each day after.

Kimmer often told me that Milk of Magnesium was a mild laxative that we perfectly safe to take on a daily basis and that it in no way would lead to a dependency. In going back over my own journals I realized that I was dependent on MOM while I was doing the Kimkins plan as written. I worried about taking it on a daily basis, so I only took it every 3 days or so... but I could NOT go to the bathroom without it. A full dose according to the bottle was 2 to 4 tablespoons.. in the beginning I used 2, but within a month I was needing 4 tablespoons in order to "go". After I finished off my second LARGE bottle.. I started to feel "guilty" about the laxative use.. and I switched to the Smooth Move Tea that so many others were recommending (including Kimmer). I had my "tea" every other day in order to stay "regular". I could NOT "go" without it until I stopped using the Kimkins plan. This was not just me... this might be my personal example, but I honestly felt that I had it under control much more so than the others on the site. I saw people left and right suggesting to someone in a "stall"... that perhaps they should up their dose of MOM and hope for a "whoosh" the next day. (and these "stalls" that people were having were people who had lost 5 pounds in a week, and had no change on the scale for 1 or 2 days.... please note: THIS IS NOT A TRUE STALL- THIS IS YOUR BODIES CHANCE TO CATCH UP AND RECOVER FROM THE SEVERE TRAUMA IT IS EXPERIENCING DURING FAST RAPID WEIGHT LOSS!!!)

Jeannie: We’re always willing to make positive changes

My response: Jeannie, if you want to make positive changes that will really help people... I think you need to take a hard honest look at all of this. Positive changes will only be like dipping a razorblade in chocolate syrup. It might look better from the outside, and it might even taste sweet at first.. but in the end you will find that the real "core" of Kimkins is going to hurt you in the end. Jeannie, if you really care about all these women who are writing to you... please don't force them to think that there is nothing wrong with Kimkins. You know as well as I do that there is something wrong with it. And making positive changes would serve you and the overweight community better if they were made elsewhere, under a different name, and based on a different plan. You can't layer the chocolate thick enough over this razorblade... it will always have a dangerous center to it...

Jeannie: I believe it can be used safely. Do I believe that anyone should stay on five hundred calories a day to lose a hundred pounds in five months? No. In fact, ladies, I went behind you and I read your posts and as moderators I felt you set a poor example for other people. I really do
My response:
Kimkins can't be used safely. Kimkins, once ketosis sets in will never add up to more than 800 calories. The diet itself is designed for rapid weight loss... which, unfortunately isn't safe. I wanted it to be safe just as much as you all do... but it just isn't. The plan is too general.. there are no safeguards in place. Sure.. the veggie list might have some healthy vegetables in it, but it doesn't ever tell you that you need to eat more than just 2 cups of lettuce a day. All of the "up to's" on the plan were specifically worded that way because Kimmer knows that the lower the better. And I'm sorry, but 2 cups of lettuce 2x a day (your example) is not a nutritionally sound diet. There isn't much in lettuce Jeannie... and if you think that a handful of lettuce at lunch and dinner is going to provide members with enough vitamins and minerals to sustain their bodies on a daily basis... you are sadly mistaken. As far as the 500 calories a day for 5 months statement... well... that is exactly the way that Kimmer intends the Kimkins diet to be. She praised Christin for the way she worked the plan. The 500 a day for as long as you need to is exactly what Kimmer suggests, exactly what works, and exactly what gets the results that she offers to her members.
As for mine and Christin's posts as moderators... I know NOW that when I shared from my experience that I was setting an unhealthy example. But I also know that I was setting a true Kimkins example as well. I believed 110% in the plan too... and I DID the plan 110% all the time, and all of my posts were examples of Kimkins the way Kimmer intended it to be. I thought that I was eating in a healthy manner, because Kimmer told me it was okay... she told me that I had enough fat on my body to sustain me... I thought I was leading others on to success… because I had such success… but NOW I know better. Now I know that the “ranges” I gave as my examples of eating were not nutritionally sound, and my diet was a starvation diet that will lead to many negative health problems. Hmmm but… I was doing Kimkins… does that mean Jeannie, that you are admitting that Kimkins is a starvation diet? Are you sending everyone a cryptic message that my example of the Kimkins diet in 100% commitment was a poor example?????? That Kimkins itself is a poor example for other people??? Jeannie… I agree with your perception of my posts. I came forward once I realized how WRONG my beliefs about eating were… and that’s exactly why I went on this show! I am SORRY for my part in Kimkins. I am SORRY for doing this diet and encouraging others to do the same. I now want to make up for that by setting a better example for other people… and that better example… to put it simply… is NOT Kimkins.

Jeannie: But the fact that Christin didn’t tell her doctor what was going on tells me that Christin knew it was bad

My response:
EXACTLY!!! Jeannie, I do believe you’re starting to see our side of the story! Somewhere deep inside I think you just realized that Kimkins is bad!

Jeannie: I did take it on knowing

My response:
Well, if you really knew that the diet was nutritionally deficient and unhealthy and you also knew that the founder/inventor of the diet never used it herself and manipulated everyone around her for her sole benefit… then what does that tell us about your character? If you took it on because you are a caring person and you wanted to change it and save everyone from the dangers of it, then why are you still supporting Heidi? If you really want to help people… why are you sticking up for a woman who in her own sickness takes pleasure in watching people starve themselves based on her advice? If you really care about people who want to lose weight, then why do you support the business of someone who manipulates and lies to people at every turn.
Jeannie... please, be careful… I don’t think you took this on truly knowing how sick your boss is. I’m not warning you as a “hater”… I’m speaking out of concern, because I have seen with my own eyes how your boss will turn on the people closest to her at the drop of a hat and lash out against them. You are the closest one to her now, and as her “situation” gets more and more desperate, I worry that you might be in harm’s way.




Backstage- Jeannie, you told us that you would make it your personal goal to get our photos removed from the website and advertising. It’s been a week now. Both of our pictures are still in the success story rotation, and they are also being used as affiliate link banners. If you tried to get Heidi to remove them, and she refused… can you perhaps recognize that she might not be the sweet little innocent woman who tragically gained her weight back… and she might actually be the vengeful, mean spirited uncaring woman that we have come to know? And if you haven’t tried to get them removed yet… please do… we no longer “sing praises” to Kimkins… it makes no PR sense to utilize photos and stories of people who are in opposition to your program.

Another Plea to Kimkins Members

Well, I'm back from New York... and I feel like I need to blog about my experience on the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet...

First of all, I want to tell Delaney (Singinglass) that I am concerned for her. We didn't have the opportunity to really talk at all in person... just a few minutes backstage after the show... but my message to everyone who is still on Kimkins goes to Delaney as well. I know how important it is to you to lose the weight. I know how good it feels to finally see that scale moving down. I know how hearing about "the controversy" makes you feel defensive and nervous in the pit of your stomach. I was once in your exact position. I know that the "pressure" from the "opposition" is frightening... because it's scary to think that someone might take away your "only hope". I know that the tactics they use are so over the top sometimes that it makes it easy to "roll your eyes and blow them off". I also know that somewhere deep down inside you might be feeling the smallest twinge of "what if this is true?", and that as soon as you feel it.. you push it away as quickly as possible because answering that question would be admitting that you might have an eating disorder or an addiction.
It's natural to want to "quiet" any negative feelings that pop in.. especially when the Kimkins diet and support site are constantly bombaring you with "Feel Happy... This is Great.... Wow.. No Hunger.... Hooray.. Scales down again... No negativity!!!!" Heidi and everyone else at Kimkins will tell you that negativity will make you gain weight. Negativity will only hurt you in the long run. Stay positive... no matter what!!! Why? Because it's easier to "get drunk and ignore the pain" than it is to deal with your pain in the healthy way. I believe that we are given negative emotions for a reason. I believe that even feelings of guilt (what have I done to my body? how could I have told people to join??) and feelings of shame (I can't believe I listened to that conartist... I had good intentions all along, so ignoring that handfull of hair in the shower was the right thing to do) and even fear (I'll never lose the weight if I don't do it this way) are God given emotions.. and we need to face them because they are only there to help us. Ignoring these "negative" things only helps us on the road of denial. Ignoring the messages that those feelings are sending us makes us deaf to the dangers ahead, and blind to the giant STOP SIGN they are each holding.
Most of us who are overweight... have gotten that way because we turn to FOOD to quiet the negative emotions. How many of you are now completely IGNORING the negative emotions instead?

All of us who are overweight are stuck in this pattern:
Feel Bad... Eat... Feel Better... Gain weight.... feel bad... eat.... feel better... gain weight...Feel Bad etc etc

Kimkins taught us
Feel Bad.... SMILE... USE KETOSIS... lose weight... feel better... Feel bad... use ketosis DON"T EAT.. lose weight. feel better... Feel bad??? what.. no.. not ever... we don't eat....... we refuse to feel bad.

I see a problem with Both situations don't you?
Maybe we need to look more at the "feel bad" part... and realize that it's okay to feel bad. It's not something that needs to be fixed... it's simply a part of life and it has a purpose.

Maybe we need to listen to whatever the "feel bad" is trying to tell us. Food didn't shut it up for long... and losing weight will only shut it up until you run out of fat and then start to lose your hair, your muscles, your energy, your metabolism, your brain connections, your concentration, your memory, your common sense, your integrity and perhaps even your life.

Kimkins might be selling a weightloss plan that works... but I'm here to tell you that you lose much more than weight on this diet.

Stop ignoring the negative... face it, and gain the opportunity to know in your heart that you are worth so much more than a crash diet that will only set you up for either future failure... or major health problems.

Well.. I guess this post ended up being more of a message from my heart to anyone who is still on the Kimkins plan.
I will post tomorrow... the "replies" I didn't have time to give Jeannie on the show. :)

More Darkness Brought to Light

Watch Part 2 of the Video

Then check out the exposure of the faked success stories found at Russian Mail Order Bride Websites!!!!!!!! http://kimkinsexposed.wordpress.com/fake-success-story-pictures/

There is no denying the fraud now.
I am literally speechless today.

A distressing yet hopeful day...

This has been an extremely long month.... and it was all leading up to this point. I have no words to express exactly what I am feeling right now...

All I can say is, please, watch the video... and let the reality of all that people have been saying sink in... it's all true, and today is truly the beginning of the end.

After watching this myself.. first I felt sickened by the "no denying the truth of it"... then I immediately felt saddness and compassion for those that will be realizing the truth for the first time today. I have "seen this coming" for awhile now, and even I found it painful to watch. My message today is for the people who are facing this with the raw edges of realizing they have been betrayed. You are not alone... and there is still hope... please, don't try to deal with this alone. Seek out others who have gone thru this as well... and know that we can rise up and become stronger as people in spite of this woman's actions against us.

I leave you with a scripture that helped me just yesterday... and now I say it to you.

1 Corinthians 7: 8-12 (The Message Translation)

8-9I know I distressed you greatly with my letter. Although I felt awful at the time, I don't feel at all bad now that I see how it turned out. The letter upset you, but only for a while. Now I'm glad—not that you were upset, but that you were jarred into turning things around. You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss.
10Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.
11-13And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart. And that is what I was hoping for in the first place when I wrote the letter. My primary concern was not for the one who did the wrong or even the one wronged, but for you—that you would realize and act upon the deep, deep ties between us before God. That's what happened—and we felt just great.

There is hope in all of this...

Where was the warning label????

I just got back from my first visit to the doctor since January. The nurse who checked me in, actually came and asked me if it was possible that someone recorded my weight wrong the last time I was there.
I proudly said, "No.. I really did weigh that much before"
For a moment, I was proud again of my accomplishments.. for a moment

then, she asked me, "why are you here today?"

And I had to tell her the truth... and with a downward, broken hearted glance, I had to tell her that because of that wonderful, rapid weight loss that she was just gushing over me for... I needed to have the doctor run some tests to see if I had done any damage to myself or not.

She immediately stopped gushing over my weight loss... took down some notes, and shook her head as she walked out of the room.

The doctor came in... so proud and ecstatic to see my weight loss.. knowing that he and I had discussed it many times over the past few years, and then as he listened to HOW I lost the weight (with Kimkins- low carb, low fat, and usually 600-800 calories) he said... "Well, starvation always works doesn't it... but hopefully you only lost weight and nothing else important for your body to function properly."
I had to tell him all of my symptoms.. and I had to admit them to myself first. I had truly felt all along that I was 100% healthier because of losing my weight. He and I both discussed the fact that I no longer have back pain, restless leg syndrome, insomnia, or low blood sugar "shakes" in the morning.

But.. then we also discussed the fact that I did experience some negative side effects from my NUTRITIONALLY DEFICIENT diet. And.. I was lucky.. I only had a few.. and they were not constant.. so I usually just brushed them to the side of my mind and ignored them as "oh, that's normal".
Here's my side effects:
1. extra periods (told this was normal)
2. loss of hair ... loss of about 60% of my thickness if not more. (told it was normal, and even looked it up online for myself! Saw that it said it was common in people who were dieting and skimmed over the part that said "fad diets" or nutritionally deficient diets.)
3. Lightheaded dizzy spells- never mentioned these to anyone .. they were not an everyday occurrence, and I had them sometimes prior to this diet so I easily ignored them.
4. Weird blurred vision- like my eyes would dilate at different degrees... things would get fuzzy and look far away and warped.. I would then readjust my own "focus" and a few minutes later it was back to normal. Again.. I didn't mention it.. figured it was a fluke.. it only happened a few times.
5. heart flutters- never mentioned these to anyone either. Even when they happened, I dismissed them in my mind as quickly as I could. (these are still happening randomly)

Other strange things I noticed:
6. Peanut butter CRAVINGS... like really super cravings... and I knew I wasn't the only one having this. I read post after post after post about people who were feeling guilty for giving into peanut butter or any kind of nuts. So, I wrote this off as "normal"
7. Milkshake CRAVINGS... again.. these cravings were much stronger than any craving I'd ever had before dieting. I heard lots of other people also talk about craving milkshakes, including my mom who also did the diet.

both of these "cravings" were something that I, along with many others, chalked up to a strange coincidence, and I either ignored it.. or caved in a little and then felt extremely guilty about it.
Now, I'm really wondering if there is something in the peanut butter(nuts) and milk shakes that our bodies were SCREAMING for!!! Like maybe more fat? Calcium?

I often typed in "listen to your body" over and over again in posts.. and it wasn't until late August that I started to realize that even cravings were a way that our body tells us what it needs.


Anyway... I still don't know if there's anything wrong with me or not.. my doctor has ordered lots of tests to see where I'm "depleted" of certain things, and warned me strongly that while being extremely overweight isn't good for your health, or for you heart... that sometimes losing it all super fast and not getting all the nutrients necessary for bodily functions.. is an even quicker route to heart disease.

So, now I'm wondering.. where inside Kimkins does it list "possible side effects"? Where is the "warning label", the "if these symptoms arise, get it checked out announcement" ?
With EVERY weight loss pill or plan that I've ever been on, there has been a warning list.. and a "common side effects" or even "in extreme cases side effects" list.. that I always read. I know myself.. and I just about always choose NOT to take medicines that have side effects that concern me. If I had been warned about these things, I don't think I would have joined. If I had been warned about the possibility of these things, I certainly would not have convinced others to join!

The sad part really is, is that I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one with these symptoms until I started reading OFFSITE.I hated reading those "other forums" because they made everything sound so bad. They made me feel bad, and they exaggerated things so much. But, the symptoms they mentioned sounded vaguely familiar to me. They knotted up my stomach, and made me want to either fight or run away and pretend I never heard what they said.
I saw some try to fight them....
and I resorted to my usual, curl up and ignore it technique for awhile.

If I did mention my worries to others inside Kimkins I only got pats on the back and reassurances that of course everything would be fine, and "that's normal, don't worry!"

And NOW.. it's even worse.. if you even ask about a negative effect, you're likely to be "accused" of stirring up the pot, or if you point out your negative side effects, you're likely to get banned. :(

How is that safe for other members??? Shouldn't everyone be made aware of symptoms to be on the look out for? I'm sure there are lots more negative effects that I didn't have... and from the stories I've heard elsewhere.. I can only count myself lucky.

This is not a joking matter, this is not time for a "band-aid" announcement that "of course, you should always check with your doctor". Or even comments to make those of us who "ignored symptoms" appear stupid or crazy or "extreme". This is time to get real and time to take your health seriously.

How many of you truly talked to your doctors about your plan?
Did you show him the food list?
Did you mention that you really only eat a few items on that list?
Did you show him your fitday?
Did you write symptoms off as normal because you heard someone else had the same thing?

I said that one of the reasons why I wanted to lose weight was because I wanted to be here long enough to see my kids and future grand kids grow up.

Now, it's possible that losing weight has lowered the chances of that actually happening.

I remember when we often joked about how Kimkins didn't need that little small print disclaimer of "results not typical" on our success stories.

Perhaps she does need to put up a disclaimer that "results ARE typical" on the side effects listing!!!

If you're still doing Kimkins, as written or not... please stop for awhile and really take a look at your own symptoms. Don't glorify your "pros" list and minimize your "cons" list.

You can get those "pros" with lots of safe plans, and eliminate the cons. Just think about it. And don't ignore the promptings of your heart right now.

Can you see the flies?

I need to start today's post by getting back to where my heart really is. Rooted in my Savior...

Ecclesiastes 10:1-4;12-13
As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so folly outweighs wisdom and honor.
The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.
Even as he walks along the road, the fool lacks sense and shows everyone how stupid he is.
If a ruler's anger rises against you,
do not leave your post;
calmness can lay great errors to rest.
Words from a wise man's mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips.
At the beginning his words are folly;
at they end they are wicked madness- and the fool mulitplies his words.

Kimkins to me... was my "perfume".. it was my hope and my answer... but it now has a "bad smell". No matter how many wise and honorable people are still there now... they can't outweigh the "folly" that remains.

I am unsure of Kimmer's reasons for allowing me to get back into Kimkins, and I did return there to download my journal for memory sake... but I feel very cautious and leery of this "apology" by Kimmer and will not be returning again. I know that she is angry with me, and with others who are now speaking out... and I can't leave my "post"... I need to remain "calm" and stay here... at my bench.. where my words can't be turned into something meaningless.
I do not want my words to be used like those of the fool...

Ecclesiastes 7:5-9
It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke
than to listen to the song of fools.
Like the crackling of thorns under the pot,
so is the laughter of fools,
this too is meaningless.
Extortion turns a wise man into a fool,
and a bribe corrupts the heart.
The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.
Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.

I know this verse might hurt some of you... for it hurt me a few weeks ago. It's not easy to admit when we are wrong... especially when our "wrongness" was simply in listening to "the song of fools". I hope that each of you will examine your own hearts, and walk with patience... without anger... and without the laughter of fools as well.


Know this.. the beginning... is over...
this is the end... and I don't want anyone caught in the "wicked madness" that is soon to come.

No more pretending....

I recently over"heard" someone saying.. "It seems like we're going on as if nothing is wrong, Isn't something wrong here?"

And it truly reminded me of something from my childhood.

This whole situation, reminds me of dysfunction in my own family when I was growing up. For those of you who grew up in perfectly normal healthy families.. you probably won't understand this post.. but to the rest of you... I'm quite certain I'm not alone in this feeling.

I remember feeling like the person who I "overheard" when I was a child.

I remember wondering why no one was talking about the obvious problem we were having.. and I even remember wanting to scream it... "HEY.. Something is WRONG here.. why are you pretending like everything is fine??"... but.. there was a strong power in the "pretend" factor in my family... and I only screamed them out in my head. But, the silence was deafening...

I remember loving the person who was causing me pain, and loving the people who ignored it and looked away when I needed them the most. And I remember grasping for the strength that the "unity" of our "pretending" gave us. I knew somehow, that IF I did get up and shout "This is wrong!!" that it would divide us... and perhaps hurt even more. So, I pretended... and hid... and wasted YEARS of my life shutting out the truth of who I was in order to protect the power of the pretend story.

I recognize that this is happening right now, and that there are lots of ADULTS who are getting stuck in the "pretend this isn't happening" mode. Even the one who is causing the pain is pretending there's nothing wrong.

I am here to tell you all, that when you get glared at for asking questions, and hushed for wondering things.... it's because it goes against the whole "pretend this problem isn't here" syndrome. Please don't let this go on. Don't allow yourself to quiet your own instincts. Don't think that speaking your mind, or asking your questions will have to mean you've betrayed someone. The truth is, that by quieting your questions, and ignoring the "red flags" that go up in your heart... you are betraying yourself. We are all grown ups now... it's time to stand up and stop being afraid. Time to stop being afraid of believing in OURSELVES. Time to stop being afraid of rocking the boat... time to stop pretending that something just doesn't feel right about this whole situation. And time, once and for all... to be responsible in a position so similar to the ones that remind us of our childhood... and be the adult who says "That's enough".

I know I wished that someone in my family would have stood up and said that when I was a child. I couldn't do it then... for I was young. But now, I am all grown up... and I won't force others to wonder why I wasn't "making it stop".

And I can stand up and say "This isn't right", and still love and be willing to help at the same time. Whether or not my "family" chooses to accept that love and help is up to them... but it doesn't change the fact that I do love them, just as my Father in heaven does.

By not pretending, you are saying that you are going to betray the secret... but that doesn't mean you are betraying the people involved. Imagine this was like when I was a child. If you had been able to prevent me from getting hurt just by speaking up and telling my family that what you had seen wasn't right? Would you have? Would that mean you were betraying the person that was hurting me? OR would it just mean that you were shining a light in the darkness? Perhaps the person that was hurting me was so deep in the dark that he didn't even know it was wrong anymore!

Just think about it okay? I know it's a different situation.. but the underlying patterns are exactly the same whether you recongize it yet or not.

I am not pretending anymore that nothing is wrong. What about you?

Feeling Light with Forgiveness

I just posted this on my little message board... but I think it's important that I continue to share from my heart out here on my blog!

You can comment here.. or if you want more privacy, you can comment in on the message board. :)
Here's my post:

Have you ever stopped to think about why you feel certian things sometimes? I've noticed lately that my mood really has a lot to do with how I feel physically. When I am worried or anxious... or angry and resentful.. my stomach is in knots, my shoulders hurt and the effort to even frown seems to be too much. I "feel" fatter on days when I'm grumpy.. my pants seem to be too tight, and the image in the mirror.. with it's complimentary frown.. is not something I can be proud of. My husband and my kids can always tell right away when something is wrong with me.. dh describes my mood as "heavy".
And I recognize now.. that is part of what kept me so "heavy" for so long. I might have faked my smiles and told everyone I was fine.. and gone about my life ignoring my physical pains.. but deep inside.. I felt all these reactions to being hurt.. and staying hurt... stubbornly staying miserable.

And then.. somewhere along this journey. I discovered that people weren't something to be afraid of. People weren't something to keep at arms length away. People didn't see me they way my physical condition felt.I also discovered that the more I opened up to people.. the better I started to feel. I learned that people were glad to be around me... and people were happy to know me. And that felt good. That was the beginnings of my learning about joy.

I didn't need food to make me feel good.. I now had people in my life who read my thoughts (literally) and liked me! I remember a few pages in my Kimkins journal... when I mentioned realizing that people liked me.. and for like 2 pages.. I had people come in and just tell me that they liked me. It felt wierd at first.. but it did something inside me and it energized me and filled my heart with something more important than what I was filling my stomach with. Acceptance.
Then... somewhere along the way... I got into the whole "drama" and ended up finding out that lots of people didn't like me! (well, I guess that's kind of harsh, since those people didn't even know me...) but anyway.. they said things to me that made me feel very NOT LIKED.. and it hurt. BUT.. it didn't take away all the good stuff I had already learned. It made me feel sympathy!
I almost took that negative stuff and let it get to me. I almost let it build up in my stomach, my shoulders, my face.. my heart.... but I realized quickly how HEAVY it was making me feel. So.. I went deep into prayer.. and came back to feeling the joy that I had been taught for the past 8 months. And I discovered that JOY is much more powerful than any of those negative feelings!
so.. I dug a little deeper... and realized that the reason why the things those people said made me so upset had nothing to do with today's events. What they were saying was hurting me, because I had grown up with a fear of dissapointing others. (I'm sharing this here.. because I have a feeling that I'm not the only one!) so... thru prayer.. I let the Lord show me WHY i feared dissappointing others so much. And you know what? I found out it was because someone had dissappointed me a long time ago... and I had never forgiven that person.
So... that's what happened to me this past week. I forgave that person.. 100% completely free and clear for the way that they had dissappointed me. It was like a light being turned on in my head when I did it... a light that showed me suddenly that my fear of being hurt had robbed me of many years of relating to that person in a healthy way. And... the only way to "make up" for that... was with real forgiveness... of her.. and of myself.
Guess what... It feels so much better now! :)
I honestly feel "lighter" because of it, and my stomach isn't knotting up in response to all of "today's drama", and my shoulders are relaxed, and my face is relaxed. There is a power in forgiveness that will help us with our weight problems.. and even more so with our self esteem. Holding a grudge, subconsiously... forces us to "carry a weight" that we don't need to carry. so try it... let it go! Forgive whoever has hurt you.. and let your JOY be full! :) :)

Welcome to My Open Bench

The story behind this blog: (A copy of the post on my last blog)

Today's post has been being formed in my mind for the past 2 or 3 weeks now. As some of my Kimkins friends know.. I have really been seeking the Lord's guidance, and I have been praying without ceasing. He has been giving me strength, encouragement, and now courage to do what I must do.
He gave me a vision a few weeks ago... of Kimkins as a "fast moving train"... seeing that train in my vision was scary to watch.. and then I saw myself sitting alone on a bench watching the train go by. Then people saw me there, and would come sit with me on the bench. We put up a few "signs" to tell people who were getting on and off the train that over here on my "bench" things were all about support and friendship and healing, and that the Lord was going to be with us on the bench. When I first had this vision, I felt that the Lord was telling me to stay at Kimkins, but to be more like a quiet presence of peace instead of the loud train conductor. So... that is what I have been doing. But now.. I am recognizing that the bench was NOT ON THE TRAIN!
I know that some people have seen my "signs" inside of Kimkins and they have told me that they have been touched by my presence, to them I pray that they will still look for me and try to understand this post without feeling betrayed. I also know that there are people outside of Kimkins who have been judging my actions and accusing me of blindness. To those people, I must say, that I have not had a "log in my eye"... and I have already had my heart and mind judged by the most high.. and that I have no need for their judgements or "shame tactics". I have been, and still am following the promtings of God.. and I have been waiting upon HIS timing for everything. To be honest.. in response to some of the personal attacks.. I see them as that.. attacks from Satan who knows that things like that tend to make me stubborn!!! So.. I am submitting to the Lord's will in this rather than reacting to those attacks the way that Satan wanted me to!
In case you haven't figured it out yet.. I am leaving Kimkins. I am leaving because I have learned some things that make me doubt the integrity of the founder, and because I have been used for purposes that go against my personality, my moral, and my conscience. I was decieved, and yet.. I still do not regret or doubt that the Lord called me to be there.. I simply accept now, that my work there is done.. and that the plans HE had for me there.. have been completed.
I will be starting a new blog... without the Kimkins address attached to it.. and will continue to keep my FOCUS on the work that God is doing in my life to turn me into a healthy example of HIS glory and creation. I know that He intended for me to learn a healthier way of eating.. and he his still teaching me about that. I also know that He wants to continue to use me as a witness to other hurting people.
He wants desperately to heal the INNER hurts that we have, and that takes time. I am NOT a finished work yet.... so I will go and sit on my bench now, and let God continue to reform me in His image.