Gold: worthless or valuable?

sunset at the top of Big Talbot Island
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

This morning I was reading in the book "Drawing Near" by John Bevere (see my resources page!) as part of my homework for a small group at church. I was deeply convicted by something the author mentioned in reference to the church of Laodicea so I went to read that section of Revelation on my own. (Revelation 3: 14-22)

Instead of condemnation as a side dish to the conviction I felt... I received instructions!

"Buy your gold from me" (vs. 18)

so I asked God what is His gold??????

I had a quick flash in my mind about the "gold dust" that sometimes is reported to be found at gatherings of people in the presence of God. (I've often doubted or wondered about stories like this... but during my journalings with the Lord I trust that He is the one who impresses images upon my mind when I question Him about something He brought up in the first place!) Then, just as quickly as that thought came I then saw a flash of "heavenly streets paved with gold".
And then.. a still small voice in my heart said

"What is valuable is worthless, and what is worthless is valuable"

I think that what this means is that buying gold from God (his instruction in Rev 3:18) is like asking him to simply sweep the floors of heaven over me. A simple act that He doesn't hesitate to do when asked.
My time, on the other hand- is spent constantly on worthless things (facebook, TV, etc) and the Father sees MY TIME AND ATTENTION as very valuable and he WANTS them! Why do I hesitate to hand over to Him what I so freely give to worthless things? The Lord sees this as an even trade- buying His gold with my time and attention.
(worthless in heaven=gold.... worthless here according to my actions=time) But in the bigger picture.. they are obviously both valuable to the one that requires it.


I'm still trying to wrap my brain around all of this.. but as I seek Him for something of value I realize that I should also be giving Him what He values.

My Metaphor

almost sunflower
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

For most of my life I have had the blackest thumb. I couldn't keep any plants alive for long.. and I had pretty much given up. But last year, last June to be exact, I returned home from North Carolina and decided to turn my back yard into my very own wildflower oasis. I asked the Lord to really bless my attempts so that I could someday marvel in His works and turn my garden into my "quiet place" for seeking His presence.

This year, He has begun to really answer that prayer. I am so excited about each morning spent in my garden and even more excited about the lessons I am learning from it as I seek His presence there.

The most recent lesson I learned in my garden comes from the phases of a flowers life. Take this sunflower pictured above. For days, almost weeks it was on the verge of blooming. I awoke each morning excited to see if it would open today... and each morning it was beautiful and green, but not fully open.

And I loved my "almost sunflower" at each stage... beauty was never once withheld as a descriptor of this flower.

Then it occurred to me that this flower was a metaphor for me... in God's garden.

I was once just a seed... and he watched over me.. watered me, fed me.. and kept the squirrels and birds away from me. I grew and grew.. taller and taller. Each day he was excited to find me still in his garden... and he marveled at MY BEAUTY every step of the way.

So why do I think I will only be beautiful when I've fully bloomed open?????

I look at this "almost sunflower" and I think it is beautiful right now.

And then, when it begins to open up.. I still think it's beautiful. Just because it changes doesn't take away from its beauty.



And I knew in my heart of hearts that this was me now. Beginning to bloom... more beautiful than I was before... but it hasn't detracted from from my beauty before either. I've yet to fully open up... exposing all of my petals and my heart to the sun... but I'm on the way! God watches me expectantly and excited each day cheering me along and enjoying me IN THE MOMENT.

And he also knows just what I'll be like when I'm fully open, and fully exposed and warmed by HIS SON.

After soaking in this awareness and accepting the feelings of love that washed over me with this metaphor... the enemy tried to sneak in and remind me that flowers don't live forever... eventually they fade and die.

and the Lord said...

Your garden is simply an example, my perfection is revealed in your life, in the love that I pour out- and in the SON no fading or dying will ever come to pass. There will be no more death and dying! My plans for YOUR bloom are for everlasting life!

The Hammock

Saturday afternoon hammock time
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

.....and I wondered, does that mean that there is a time to feel close to God and a time to feel far from Him? So often it seems that just when I reach a level of intimacy with God that I long for, then doubt creeps in and pulls me away for a time. I began to question the Lord about this pattern in my life. Was it what he wanted?

there is a time for everything right?

Just like the ebb and flow of the tide... a rhythm in life that He has ordained... was it the same for our relationship?

And I felt my hammock sway in the wind beneath me- bringing with it a new understanding.

As the hammock moves, back and forth, up and down... so do I. The movement of the hammock is not AWAY from me- it is continually WITH me even as it moves. I can on my own accord move the hammock faster- swinging back and forth in an exciting fashion. Or, I can rest and let the naturalness of the hammock's rocking motion relax me. The hammock may even get so still that I barely notice it- but if I close my eyes, I can still feel the gentle sway.

The understanding that became clear from my hammock... was that I could just as easily replace the word "Holy Spirit" everywhere I said hammock in the paragraph above.

As the Holy Spirit moves, back and forth, up and down... so do I. The movement of theHoly Spirit is not AWAY from me- it is continually WITH me even as it moves. I can on my own accord move the Holy Spirit faster- swinging back and forth in an exciting fashion. Or, I can rest and let the naturalness of the Holy Spirit 's rocking motion relax me. The Holy Spirit may even get so still that I barely notice it- but if I close my eyes, I can still feel the gentle sway.

Just as I can kick my feet in a hammock to make it more "noticeable" of a motion.. I can also call on the Holy Spirit to become more noticeable and vibrantly active in my life.

There are also times where it is perfectly fine to just rest and relax.

All I need to do is close my eyes and let my senses become aware of the fact that He is always with me... cradling me... even in the times when I wasn't aware of Him.

writing on the walls...

Here in my heart, I've needed God to come in and tear down walls that I've put up to keep everyone out. I've needed him to walk thru them and rescue me from my own creations. I've needed him to knock them over, blow them down, disintegrate them with a touch, paint them into something different and sometimes simply provide a door or a window so I can escape them.

Then today I realized that at the same time as he's been knocking down the walls I put up... he's also been building me a new "room" in His house. (John 14:2)That means he's been putting up 4 walls just for me! His walls are totally different from the ones I've been putting up. My walls are covered in dirt, grime, and reminders of trauma or accusations of sins from my past.

But He is busy at work building me a room with walls that will keep me safe and secure, and able to rest fully in his love.The walls he is preparing for me now... aren't there to keep people out. They are there to keep me with him. The walls he is preparing for me now are filled with promises, love and joy.

Just like he "walks thru my walls" here in my heart... he is "writing on the walls" of the heart he has prepared for me.

Some of the things he has written so far are:

“God of the Angel Armies will step in and take care of His flock… He’ll revive their spirits, and make them proud to be on God’s side….I’ll put muscle in the people of Judah… I know their pain and will make them good as new. They’ll get a fresh start, as if nothing had ever happened… their lives brimming with joy… their children will get in on it too~ oh let them feel blessed by God!... I’ve set them free- oh how they’ll flourish!” (from Zechariah 10)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (from 1 Cor. 13)

“… He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” (from Is 61)

“He forgives your sins- every one. He heals your disease- every one. He redeems you from hell- saves your life! He crowns you with love and mercy- a paradise crown. He wraps you in goodness- beauty eternal. He renews your youth- you’re always young in his presence. God makes everything come out right, he puts victims back on their feet….God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he’s rich in love. He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins.” (from Ps 103)

“Comfort, oh comfort for my people, says your God. Speak softly and tenderly to Jerusalem, but also make it clear that she has served her sentence, that her sin is taken care of- forgiven!” (from Is 40)

“Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell. The fire of love stops at nothing- it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can’t drown love, torrents of rain can’t put it out…..I am my lovers. I’m all he wants. I’m all the world to him!...You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride. Leave Lebanon behind, and come, Leave your high mountain hideaway, abandon your wilderness seclusion where you keep company with lions and panthers guard your safety. You’ve captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessness in love. (from Song of Songs)

I would encourage you each to spend some time reading the letter God prepared for you... (His Word) and allow your heart to receive special messages that apply to you. He is continually writing on the walls that he is preparing for us... are you willing to see what he is saying to you?

Painting with Jesus

painting by the Master
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

A glimpse into the past few days between me and Jesus:


Jesus takes me by the hand and runs me thru the streets of gold- we turn down a golden alley on the left and he opens a door on the left. (It is hard to call this an alley, because it is so full of light and gold shines everywhere, not at all like the alleys on earth!)
We enter a room FULL of jewels of every color. This treasure room has sapphires, rubies, diamonds and all kinds of gems I do not know the names of. There are master paintings all over, and flowers are growing from the jewel pots! (instead of dirt, there’s more jewels!) Jesus begins adorning me with jewels. He places a beautiful belt around my waist that drips in diamonds- it hangs like a chord after it’s tied around my waist.He gives me a small strip of a crown to wear across my head- and adorns my feet with dainty shoes made of a million jewels that blend together into clear like glass. They are not uncomfortable at all, it feels as if I’m wearing soft downy feather pillows on my feet. I see a bracelet on my arm, lavished in diamonds of every color- and I know I am being prepared for my wedding.
I say “Isn’t it going to be too much?” I want HIM to be the focus of attention= I shouldn’t be so “eye-catchingly beautiful”. And I know that even with all of this on- He will still be the one that takes everyone’s breath away. His beauty and light will make all of this pale in comparison.
So, I can go ahead and keep adding jewels to my wardrobe. I wonder, “where did all these come from anyway?”
And I know- each jewel is a praise I’ve lifted up to Him with all my heart and soul… He stored them up to bless me with. And he reminded me- that the diamonds were made from my tears- not just the tears of pain- but also from the tears of joy that I’ve shed when entering His presence.

Another day…
I see Jesus standing by a beautiful painting of a sunset over a lake. The water is full of reflections, like diamonds on each ripple in the water. I am dazzled by the beauty in this painting. He is still painting it, with special heavenly paint. This paint is not just “building up layer on top of layer” ending in a dull muddy mess… this paint is actually changing the painting with each stroke into more dazzling beauty. I begin to get dizzy pressing in to hear Jesus as he paints. He turns to steady me, his hands on my shoulders, as we face the painting together. I ask him what is important about this phrase “steady in the storm” that has been imprinted as the title of this painting in my mind.
I envision a tornado… a deadly chaotic storm… a storm that brings fear and pain. But Jesus is “steady in the storm” as he walks through it. He can look around from inside the storm and see everything blowing around and he will not get hurt.
I begin to get frustrated because I know that he intends to take me inside the storm that is me. Why?? I thought I was done with all this “healing” stuff!!!
His reply… not until I’m in heaven will my journey be done.
Am I okay with that?
Yes… I am aware that some people never get to go on this journey at all. I feel sorry for them. I think of hiking in the mountains and the incredible view that is visible only at the end of the journey. I begin to appreciate this opportunity instead of resenting it.

So.. Jesus and I prepare for a journey into the storm. He hands me some “night vision goggles” and tells me that these will help me to see what he wants me to see along the way. They are perfect for exposing defense mechanisms along the way… and that is what we are really here to do.
Eventually we reach a painful place. As I enter this place with Jesus, I become aware of the fact that my tears and choking voice are fading. A new “tough girl” attitude has taken control of my emotions. At the same time, I also realize that I no longer see or hear Jesus. Numbness has taken over, and I don’t feel the pain anymore. I realize there is a giant wall that has just gone up between me and Jesus. I don’t see him and he doesn’t answer me when I call to him. Tough girl doesn’t really care… but I am sure that I am tired of having walls. I beg him to tear it down or create a door or something… but all I have is this numb, cold wall and a tough girl ready to end the journey.
I close my eyes… and travel back to the room of jewels and paintings, where I know it’s easy to find my Jesus. There he is… right by my side.. I can feel him steady my shoulders once again. Peace and comfort replace the numbness and cold. With a sigh of relief… Jesus and I can then go back to the wall and look at it from the outside.
My wall is like an old castle wall. A fortress… of large gray blocks that reach as high as the sky. No cracks for vines to crawl up, no chance of knocking it down. But Jesus points out that it’s not responsible for holding anything up. It’s just a wall standing alone in the middle of nowhere. It’s okay if we tear it down.
Instead of knocking it over into a pile of rubbish- Jesus begins to paint over it with his special heavenly paint. We paint together and CHANGE the wall into a beautiful wildflower field at the top of a mountain. We aren’t just covering up the wall... we are transforming it and replacing it with something beautiful. The names of the paint colors are love, joy and hope… and I am filled with all three of these as we paint together.
When the wall is gone, I walk into the field with Jesus. I see the ‘tough girl” over in the far right of the field, hiding in the tall grasses. For a moment I picture Jesus sitting next to her, back to back… and I imagine him giving her a flower… but then she is gone…. poof … forever.
My defense mechanism serves no purpose any longer… for I have Jesus, my master painter with me always.
Just Jesus and me… steady in the storm.

Lightbulb

Lightbulb
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

"The Word was the source of life, and this life brought light to mankind" John 1:4

Somehow, nowadays we've learned techniques for turning on and off the light whenever we want to.

I'm not sure, "in light of things today" if that is a wise habit for us to have.

I think I need more light... and I'm willing to take my chances on the "risk of fire".

and no.. I'm not talking about a lightbulb anymore here.

not much left to give

not much left to give

sometimes I feel a little bit like this dandelion...like I don't have much left to give...

blow on me one more time, and I'm done....but I find hope in knowing

that each piece that is sent out, will someday rise up to meet the sun again. "

Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

Proverbs 20:5 (The Message Translation)
"Knowing what is right is like deep water in the heart; a wise person draws from the well within"

Let's face it, as women today, we often feel like dandelions with no more seed pods left. Trying to balance family, career, beauty, housework, and everything else in between can wear a girl out!

I'm so glad I have "deep water in my heart" so I can go and draw from it to refresh me and make me whole again.

Thank-you Jesus for helping me see the beauty in every stage of who I am.

Freedom from my chains

Psalm 116:16
O Lord, truly I am your servant. I am your servant, the son of your maidservant, you have freed me from my chains.

What exactly does freedom mean? According to Webster:
1: the quality or state of being free: as a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence c: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous (troublesome)


We often hear in the church that we have been "set free", and that Jesus "broke the chains" that bind us to sin.

And it all sounds cliche.

I look around the church in America and I see people who don't look free. I see people who are constantly held in "coercion and constraint in choice or action". I see people who are slaves to the power of "what the person next to them thinks". I don't see anyone exempt or released from something troublesome.

But, I also see the truth that Jesus DID break the chains that keep us prisoner in this world. I believe in His Word, and wonder why so many of us are still struggling with impressing others with our appearance, or impressing others with our religious rules and ability to be perfect in front of everyone else.

Acts 16:26
...At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose.

hmmm.... the chains are loose... but not gone.


Recently I had the opportunity to go and worship at the Orlando House of Prayer with Kim Walker. She leads worship in a way that begs us to walk in freedom.. the freedom of worship. The freedom I felt while singing MY HEART instead of just my words to my Father in Heaven was a very powerful, moving, and joyful experience.

The key word here isn't freedom.. it's experience.

Did you know that God created our brains to learn in 2 ways? Our brain is divided into 2 hemispheres... the left handles words and knowledge.... and the right handles experience. (learn more here) How many times do you approach "being a christian" with only left brained knowledge? I believe God created us with 2 hemispheres for a reason... so I embraced what was happening in my right hemisphere!

When I was able to experience the presence of God during that time of worship... it enabled my entire brain to finally "get it". One of the lines in one of the songs Kim leads is:

I asked you for freedom, you broke every chain and gave me the keys

In my time of worship I was able to finally see that God did give me freedom... he did break the chains just like it's promised in His Word... and he then handed me the keys to those chains. I, like many other Christians, have been holding onto my chains instead of letting them fall.

Isaiah 52:2
Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive daughter of Zion.

I challenge each of my readers to consider letting go of the broken chains that bind you. Find freedom in Christ by opening up the right hemisphere of your brain and allowing yourself to experience Him instead of locking yourself up into religion and rules.

I can stand freely without my chains today because I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is by my side. I didn't have to memorize it or force myself to read about him everyday. I KNOW it because I've experienced Him in my life.
That... is freedom.

I don't have to be coerced into following Him. I want to.
I don't have to be a slave to singing only what the person next to me sings on Sunday morning, or spouting off verses that have no meaning to me. I am free to sing as loud or as quiet as I want to, even if there's a break in the chorus! I am free to let the verses that I've experienced as alive flow out of me naturally. God likes it when I'm different from the crowd!
I don't have to fall into despair and frustration when trouble knocks on my door.. I can praise my God because I know he will either deliver me from it or teach me something from it.

I believe that worship is the key to discovering this freedom... so why not take the time to go after it for yourself. There's a playlist of Kim Walker's music in my side panel that might help. :)

Getting closer to Him...

With the new year, comes new "commitments" (I shy away from the word resolutions).
It is my hope to get closer to God this year by spending more and more time with Him. I also hope to become "contagious" in my family, if you know what I mean! But, sometimes my kids struggle with the concept of a "quiet time" because it's boring or because they think they never hear from God.
Well, I must admit that sometimes even I feel that way.
So, this morning, without even knowing what I wanted to learn from His Word today, I was led to 2 Kings 3. In this particular passage, Elisha has been approached by a King who wants to hear from God. It seems like Elisha really doesn't want to help this King, but then offhandedly says,

"now bring me a harpist."

And the verse continues on to say

"While the harpist was playing, the hand of the Lord came upon Elisha"

Do you think Elisha was "in the mood" to hear from God when this King he disliked came to him? I don't think so. Do you think it would be easy to hear from God when your in a bad mood or not feeling "inspired"? I can tell you from experience.. it's almost impossible to hear from God when I'm grumpy or even when I'm just "bored" and not looking forward to my "quiet time".
So, what can we learn from Elisha in this passage?
We need a harpist! :)
Okay, well not exactly a harpist.. but what does a harpist do for Elisha? He plays music for him. The music seems to have a key part in Elisha's willingness to hear from God. He knew in advance that in order to hear from God he would need music!


Now, when I think about my own best times with the Lord.. I am quite certain that most of those times involved music in one way or another even though I never thought about it that way nor planned it.

So why do we call it a Quiet Time??? Shouldn't we be listening to music be played in hopes that the "hand of God will come upon us"?
My kids will probably jump at the idea of counting listening to music as time with God... but that's only the first step!

The next step in hearing from God is to be in His Word.
My pastor this week spent some time in Deuteronomy telling us that we are to "live like Kings" and that means that we should be in the Word. His sermon was very enlightening, but he skimmed over a very important part of the passage.
Deuteronomy 17:18-19

When he takes the throne of his kingdom, he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law taken from the priests, who are Levites. It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the Lord his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees.

My pastor made it very clear that we are to be reading the Word... but did you notice what it says to do BEFORE that?

"he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law..."

I think this is a very clear instruction for us to "journal" the Word as we read it. Writing it down as we study it is just as important as reading it alone.

As we journal, what else should we write besides the actual scriptures? Well, one of my favorite verses in support of journaling is found in Habbakkuk 2. Here I get the impression that Habbakkuk is frustrated, but still turning to God for answers. And God answers him by saying,

"Write down the revelation, and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it"

Or, as The Message Translation says,

"Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run".

This makes it so clear to me, that God wants me to write down the insights I get as I'm praying or as I'm reading and writing down His Word. He doesn't want me to hide it or make it into a big giant production either.. he wants it to be portable so I can read it when I need it the most... in the middle of trouble!! He doesn't say to only write the "words he says"... because he knows we often don't "hear what he says to us". He says to "write what you see"(revelation). So that means if we are praying/worshiping/journaling.. and we see in our imagination an image... that we should write that down too.

So, our "quiet time" in my house is going to be different this year. I will encourage my family to worship God with music as part of their "God time" and then pray, read His Word, and write down any verses that seem to "pop out " when reading. And then pray some more and look and listen for any Words/Pictures from God and write them down too.

And I am confident that we will get closer to Him this way.... because this is the way he instructs us to do it!

Promises

This morning it is my desire to place all my hope in the promises of God.

Often it is easy to say that I "trust in the Lord".. knowing that He is in charge is usually comforting enough to get me through the rough spots. But, if you're like me, sometimes... trusting in the Lord is easier said than done.

How many times have you told yourself to "trust God" only to then wonder what that really means. How many times have you felt discouraged by people who tell you to "trust God" when times are tough?????

Sometimes doing all the right things and reading all the right verses... just doesn't seem to cut it.

I think I've read Jeremiah 29:11 a million times

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".

and every time I've read it I've wondered what ARE those plans???? And I've tried with all my strength to trust in the Lord... when really what he's saying here is that we can trust in his plans for us!
His plans for us are specific... they are not generic open ended for all people...

Think about Abraham for a moment.

In Romans, Paul talks about Abraham and this verse really opened my eyes up to how I should be trusting in God...
(From the Message Romans 4:18-23?)

"When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he would do... He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said."

Did Abraham simply trust in God.. or did Abraham trust in the PROMISES God made to Abraham?

So, I challenge you today.. if you're struggling and in tough times like I am... consider actually talking to God and asking Him if he has any promises FOR YOU! There is a heightened hope in promises that God gives when they are tailor made for you! Trusting in a far off God overseeing the world's problems gives room for doubt and unbelief.. but letting His Promises wash over and comfort you builds up hope and confidence! That requires us to come before God in a way that begs for a personal relationship... letting Him speak to you... hearing His Words in your heart... is surely to help us "come up strong, ready for God to make good on what he says"

Waiting like a watchman...

How do you wait?
Waiting for something you not only want, but need desperately seems impossible to do when you've already waited for what feels like forever.
Waiting patiently is what we feel like we're "supposed" to do. But it also feels impossible.

I've been "waiting" for my house to sell for 23 months now... and I put my house on the market to begin with in response to what the Lord told me to do. For me, the act of putting my house on the market was one of submission to both the Lord, and my husband. I submitted my will and began to "desire" what He wanted for me instead of what I wanted for me.

And then... the market dropped. I did everything possible to make my house more desirable in this "buyers market". I removed my family photos, kept everything super clean, reorganized the kids rooms to look more like model home rooms instead of personalized... "staged" each room for showings... allowed my life to be put on hold countless times so that strangers could walk through and criticize my decorations or discover that my yard wasn't as large as they had hoped. I would take the dog (and all of his HAIR) for hour long rides in the car as these strangers expected my daily life and work to just drop at their command. And I waited for the Lord to send the buyer He had in mind for my house. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I gave thanks to the Lord for working in my own heart and for working in my husband's heart through this whole process. And I prayed and prayed and prayed.

And each month that passed felt like an eternity.. and began to wear out my patience, my hope, and my faith.

I no longer got excited that "this might be the one" when I had a showing. I no longer felt anything but disdain for this whole process, as well as for my house. And I began to wonder if praying was ever going to work. I began to wonder if God was even listening.. and I began to let the doubt, and fear, and weariness wear me down. I felt like a child in the dark, hiding in the closet, covering her ears to the threats all around her, just wishing it would end.Then I stopped praying. I got comfortable in my figurative dark closet. I began to wear the doubts, and fears and lies from the enemy that God wasn't going to help because I must have messed up somewhere along the way.

and still the house didn't sell.

But somewhere deep inside my heart I began to hear the Lord calling my attention back to Him, and back to His Word.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His Word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord-
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130: 5-6

The beginning of this verse inspired me.. and I wanted to be able to say this was true of my heart. But the second part of it confused me and seemed to be more important for me to understand. What is a watchman? What does he do? How can my soul wait for the Lord even MORE than the watchmen wait for the morning?

I posed this question out loud as my daughter was getting ready for school right beside me. And she described to me what she thought a watchman was. "A watchman is like in the army... and it's dark outside... so he has to stay on guard all night to make sure no one attacks them before the sun comes up. "

and then I began to get a picture in my mind of what a watchman does.

Alone in the dark, it is his duty to protect his "camp" from the enemy. He stays on guard throughout the night.. and his attention is heightened BECAUSE it it dark! He can't see what's coming.. he doesn't know what's coming to attack. He doesn't know which angle the enemy is going to come from so he is vigilant to look in every direction as he maintains his guard. And he KNOWS that the sun will rise in the morning! He KNOWS without a doubt that when the sun comes up, his job will be a little easier because then he can SEE where the enemy is coming from! The night might seem long.. but he waits for the morning on FULL ALERT!

He doesn't lay down and cry and give into the darkness that surrounds him. He doesn't stop watching because it's only midnight and morning seems to far off. He knows that every minute that passes brings him one minute closer to the morning.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His Word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord-
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130: 5-6

How can I wait like this? It's not about "patience". It's about CONFIDENCE!! Waiting like the watchman is having confidence that the sun will rise in the morning.

If I KNOW that the sun will rise everyday with 100% certainty...

then my soul must KNOW that the Lord will come through on His Word with 200% certainty!!! This is a whole new concept for me today! I am one minute closer to seeing God come through for me and my family right now! The 23 months that have passed only prove that my "morning" is close!

I'm putting my hope in His Word and will wait for his promises to me even MORE than the watchman waits for the morning!

Prayer Chain for a friend...

I just found out that an xKimkins friend of mine is in need of even more prayer than usual. This post is a "prayer chain" that I'm carrying on for AmyB...

Lord I pray that you would reach down and place your hands upon Amy and her family right now. I pray for healing in her body, and in her son's body. I pray for wisdom for her doctors and strength for her whole family. I pray for peace and comfort during a time when peace and comfort seems impossible. I praise you for your will and for your plans to prosper Amy and not to harm her.



Amy.. I'm sorry I haven't been "around" for you.... my prayers and my thoughts are with you.

Walk through the walls....

Music speaks to my soul and moves my heart, my spirit, my mind and my body.

Music has been known to affect my mood, my beliefs and even my habits.

Music is God's gift to me.. and my gift back to Him as well.

I just received Jonathan David Helser's newest CD.. Walk Through The Walls... and I'm worshiping God with every breath I take as a result.

His songs, and the way he worships brings me to a higher level of understanding God, and understanding how God enters the room as a result of worship.

Here's the lyrics to the 1st song on the new CD... it's so fitting for my life right now...(play it below)



It seems like all I can see, are enemies surrounding me
It seems like all I can feel, are lies you're not real
I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the one
Who made the earth and heavens

I believe You're more real, than what my eyes can see
I believe these hills are full, of a mighty angel army

God of the Angel Armies, you're mighty to save
God of the Angel Armies, you're worthy of our praise
God of the Angel Armies, you fight for us
God of the Angel Armies, you come down....
when praises go up

Finally I'm starting to see, things are not as they seem
Nothing can come between, your mighty love for me
No ear has heard, No eye has ever seen
What you have planned for those
you set your love upon

I believe you're greater than, I could ever dream
I believe you're coming again, with a mighty angel army.....

chorus...

And then the rest of the song is just Jonathan's heart singing to the Lord... and I sing right along with him...

Praises go up and You come down
and you walk through the walls

You come down at the sound, of my praise

You come.. You come..
wave after wave

I gotta worship, this is what I was made for... I gotta shout!

This is what I was made to do, is worship you Lord

all those angels, I wanna waste my life with the angels
Pourin' out praise...

I don't care what the world might say,
I believe.
that you're more real.. than what my eyes.. they can see..


If you're soul is searching for a deeper connection to God than you can find sitting in a pew on Sunday morning... I beg of you to listen to Jonathan's CD's... everyone of them... for it's true that Jesus Walks Through the Walls... at the sound of worship.... and no... I'm not a "sales person" for Jonathan... :) But I don't mind encouraging you to find Jesus!

Fat

Fat is one of the ugliest words in my vocabulary. I hate the word and I hate the way it looks on my body. I'm disgusted by fat now more than ever.

But there's more to "fat" than I ever thought. Did you know it's mentioned 95 times in the Bible?

I noticed today that there are quite a few occasions where the scriptures use the word fat in the same sentence as "around the inner parts" or "covers the inner parts".

It dawned on me this morning.... there's more to this phrase than "location on an animal". Fat is almost always used to cover up something else. Fat has a purpose. Fat comforts, and fat protects... and mostly fat COVERs.

God doesn't find fat disgusting or ugly.. and he doesn't hate it the way I do.

Leviticus 3: 16 "All the fat is the Lord's"

Over and over again in the old testament, it can be found that "the aroma of the offering of fat is pleasing to the Lord". (paraphrase Lev. 17:6)

So... can I apply this to my own life? No, I am not going to go literal on you all here and suggest that it's time to cut the fat and burn it for the Lord... don't worry. Actually, what I am doing is much more difficult and an even greater sacrifice on my part.

It's time to offer my "inner most coverings" to the Lord spiritually. It's time to remove my emotional fat and let Him burn it to his pleasure. I can not hold onto it and keep it for myself.

My "inner parts" are painful to look at. But, I trust that my Savior will be the one to cover me when I need covering... He will rejoice at my offering and be pleased. And I can be pleased to look at me too. I can then see what he see's.. a great and pleasing offering. A sacrifice that is worth more than money. He knows that my "fat coverings" are there for a reason, and He knows that I went through much and therefore needed much coverings... and He will rejoice to see that I have finally granted him permission to be my only covering. My inner parts are wholly His. I offer my fat to Him, and rejoice in no longer needing it.

Teaching Lessons to.....myself?

Vocabulary has entered the realm of my home in a much bigger way this year!

All week long my 6th grade daughter has moaned and griped and complained about her vocabulary homework. Sentences, antonyms, synonyms, parts of speech.. the whole 9 yards. She became confident in her knowledge of the definitions of words like besieged, dispatched, libel, gainful, forsake, recede, repast, irk, inept, ingenious...she was "ready" for the test on Friday. But she rolled her eyes at all the amounts of homework over the week, sure that it was all unnecessary since she already knew what the words "meant".

and the Lord works in mysterious ways....

Then, Thursday night, she got hurt, sliced a few layers of skin from her knee in a bicycle accident, and was unable to attend school on Friday. (open wound scenario not a good mix with a school with unknown bacteria floating around!!) I spoke with her teacher and she assured me she would allow her to take the vocabulary test on Monday. Well, then we get word from my daughters friends over the weekend that this test was not like any other vocabulary test they've ever had! This test was all about finding antonyms, synonyms, parts of speech!!! There was NO "matching words to definitions" like they all expected.

As I tried to explain to my daughter that perhaps her teacher was trying to prepare her for this exact test all week long. Perhaps her teacher was actually helping her out by assigning all that "unnecessary homework". Perhaps her teacher knew what was coming all along.

And a light bulb went off in my head as the words were still moistening my lips.

How often do I question and complain about the various trials in my own life? How often do I think "this is ridiculous.. why on earth is this happening? And forget that I have a VERY WISE and LOVING Father in heaven who KNOWS what's up ahead for me, and what lessons I need to learn before reaching that future?

How can I can encourage my daughter to trust her teacher, and then fail at trusting the Lord with being my teacher?

I saw how my daughter believed she "knew enough" and believed that she was "good enough".

And I see how we do the same with our own lives. And I'm humbled and repentant. I don't know better than Him... just as my daughter doesn't know better than her teacher. I don't know enough to get by or have the right answers for future tests until I've completed each task the Father assigns me today.

Using the vocabulary words we studied this weekend,,

I am totally inept, and will forsake my own understanding and expressly denounce my misgivings. I will look towards the ingenious and immensely all knowing God with complete trust that his purposes for me are gainful in the long run.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

Stones underfoot...

I have always been a barefoot girl. I used to boast about how my feet could handle the hottest concrete or the roughest rocks. I still find myself driving away from home before I realize I don't have any shoes with me. My earliest actual memory is of burning my feet on the hot cracked blacktop in San Fransisco when I was only 1. My mother is the same as me, and tells tales of her attempts at going to school barefoot by painting a "flip flop" top onto her foot! My daughter is following in my footsteps (literally) and we have had to eat on the patio of many a restaurant after arriving and realizing she had no shoes!

Why am I telling you this? Well, I think I have an analogy, a story, a "parable" to tell you about this very thing.

There once as a girl who walked in Israel with Jesus. She would often watch him from afar walking with his disciples, and she heard many stories about him. She heard him preaching in the temple, and on the mountain... but could never find a way to be alone with him. One day, while walking alone on the hillside, she came upon this Jesus sitting patiently on a large rock. He was waiting for her! As she nears him, he gets up and begins to walk along the path.
His clothes are plain and worn, and his feet are bare. He walks through the small white stones on the path just like an ordinary person. She had imagined from the stories she heard, that he might float above the road or glide along like an angel... but was surprised to see him carefully hopping through the stones on the road, trying to balance himself lightly to avoid the sharpest rocks.
She catches up to him and he says,

"These rocks hurt a little don't they? They have sharp unpredictable points".

He picks one up and shows it to her and begins to describe the many uses for stones just as these.

"Rocks like these have been used to stone and punish. They've also been piled together as an altar. They've been heated in the fire to soothe sore muscles. Others have rolled down the hill and broken into smaller pieces, and still others have landed amongst the grassy field where an unsuspecting child might step on it unknowingly. Stones have been collected, and treasured, and skipped on lakes. Others are ground up and used to build buildings. They have so many purposes, so many uses, and can be viewed in many different ways."

He then cast the rock aside and pointed at her feet.

"You have stones beneath your feet, are you just going to walk and cringe at the pain they cause, or stop and pick them out of your skin and find out what kind they are?"

They then sit together on the hill and she looks down at her own dusty, dirty feet. She removes a small white stone from her heel so that she can walk with Jesus at a quicker and easier, more confident pace.

Then she asked him "Lord, what kind of stone did I have in my foot?"

And he answered,

"That particular stone in your heel was once a piece of a boulder that crashed down the mountainside. It was then picked up in the clutches of a bird and placed directly in your path years ago. When you walked upon it, it wedged itself deep inside.... and you ignored the pain it caused. You kept walking on it, and pushing it further and further inside. "

She then pulled the rock from her pocket where she had considered keeping it, and gave it to Jesus. He smiled and took the rock from her hand and said,

"Thank-you for trusting me with your rock. It was not your rock to carry and you have been bearing it for no reason. You are brave to give it to me, for only I can turn this rock into one that won't hurt others in the future. "

I too, have been walking on stones that hurt. I too, have ignored the pain and stuffed it down deep. I too, have often wondered if the "stones in my path" were supposed to toughen me up or make me stronger. And I too, have now begun to allow Jesus to take the stones from my feet. And I will trust him now to heal the wounds and scars that were left behind.

What kind of stones do you have underfoot?

Status update.... and new blog announcement

Since most of my readers at this blog are expecting posts more about my journey of the heart and not necessarily about my new found experiment on saving money, I've decided to start a new blog dedicated to that purpose. Please visit me at www.farmorethandiamonds.wordpress.com if you are interested in tips on saving money and other topics that center on my attempts at learning to be more like the Proverbs 31 wife.

I will still be using this blog as well, for deeper matters of the heart and I apologize to my readers for letting so much time pass by between posts. I admit to still struggling with both my weight and my self esteem issues... and to be honest, I think I really just needed an "online" break from focusing on those issues.

I am still 100% behind the cause AGAINST Kimkins, and occasionally check in on the status of things.... but that is another issue I really needed to step away from for awhile. I still do my part when called to, but it wasn't healthy for me to let it consume my energies the way it did last year. It's out of my hands and out of my control... and all I can do now is trust the Lord to keep spinning the wheels of justice and pray that He will continue to protect the innocent from being hurt by Heidi Diaz.

For those that are wondering....
my weight seems to have stabalized... around 40 pounds up from my lowest on Kimkins. :( I'm not happy with the weight I'm at... but I'm happy to have finally stopped gaining. I've come to accept the fact that my body HAD to recover from the damage the Kimkins diet did to my system... and I've also had to trust that the Lord will help me get healthy again in the future. I'm not sure that I will return to a lowcarb type of diet or not... because the rebound gain has been so difficult and seems to be so common... I don't think I could go through that again. My nutritionist has me on a pre-diabetic plan that is moderate carb, moderate to low fat, and plenty of protein and nonstarchy veggies. The key for me seems to be exercise, and hopefully I will soon be able to actually commit to doing just that.
(I fell HARD for the Kimkins lie that exercise wasn't necessary... and I'm still paying for that one a year and a half later!)
I'm no longer having heart palpitations, and about 40% of the hair I lost grew back. My metabolism is still a wreck... (hence the 40 pound gain while eating less than 1500 calories a day for the past year) but I have confidence that the "reset" my body required is almost over.

I miss the contact and friendships I made within the online communities during the kimkins saga... but found that staying in the daily lowcarb world kept me from moving on emotionally. I'm still here though.. and still me. :) I'd love to hear from you all again if you're still reading.

I'll be back soon to post more frequently along the lines of this blog's slogan.... for I am still committed to waiting on the Lord to comfort us and crown us in beauty.

Taking lessons from Joseph before it’s too late

I love the story of Joseph in the Bible. Reading about how he prepared in advance for when times were to be more difficult has encouraged me to do the same. The difficult times financially are already starting in today’s economy, and I want to do my best at being wise with my money and with making sure my family is provided for.

Well, I’ve been “grocery gaming” for a little over a month now. I’ve learned to stockpile my foods to lower my grocery bill. I utilize coupons and sales together and get lots of stuff for way cheap… sometimes free.

This week I had fun at both CVS and Publix.

At CVS I used the Covergirl Buy One Get One Free (BOGO) coupons in the paper in conjunction with the Buy One Get One Free sale at CVS to get 2 bottles of foundation, and 2 pressed powders… all totally free!!! I also got some other stuff, and combined with coupons, sales, and Extra Care Bucks back.. I only spent $6 and I brought home 2 bottles of Tide w/ Bleach, 2 bottles of Dawn dish soap, 2 things of toothpaste, 2 packs of gum and the makeup I mentioned earlier.

Then, today at Publix I was ready to really stock up on some breakfast items. Here’s a picture of what I got for under $30:

16 poptart boxes- on sale 2.19 BOGO used $1/2 coupon (I had 8 coupons) found in the paper this past Sunday- total Out of Pocket (OOP)= $9.52 (works out to be around 60 cents a box)

These poptarts are also included in a Rebate from Kellogg’s… buy 10 get $10 back. So…. after the rebate… all 16 boxes end up free!!! (plus .48 which covers my stamp)

6 cans of ChefBoyarDee- $1.33 BOGO sale used .35/3 coupon (I had 2). Total OOP=3.29 (that’s 55 cents a can)

6 boxes of Eggo Waffles- on sale $2.19 BOGO used $1/2 coupon (I had 3) Total OOP=$3.57 (that’s 60 cents a box!)

2 Boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios- on sale $3.99 BOGO used $1 off coupon for EACH box even though one of the boxes was free! Total OOP= $1.99 (which is 99cents a box!)

2 boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal- on sale $3.99 BOGO used .55 of coupon for EACH box.. again, even though one of the boxes was free. Total OOP= $2.89 (which is $1.44 a box, which is good for this brand.. coupons are harder to find for this kind)

After I finished out my shopping for other needed items this week, my total rang up as $29.15 after tax. My savings is marked as $58.58 That’s a 67% savings and I won’t need to buy any breakfast items for months!!! J

I’ve decided not to pay the monthly fee at grocerygame.com, because once I got the hang of how to spot these deals it’s really pretty easy. I must give credit to the numerous blogs out there that I have discovered that post their savings similar to the way I’ve just done…. I learn from them and even “copy” some of their deals. J And thanks to my best friend.. you know who you are… for mentioning the grocerygame idea in the first place!

Check out these links if you’re interested in bringing your grocery bill down.

http://frugonomics101.blogspot.com/

http://www.moneysavingmom.com/money_saving_mom/

http://thecentsiblesawyer.blogspot.com/

http://www.couponsavingfamily.com/

Click around at the other blogs and savings sites that they recommend too..

Oh.. and by the way.. hot tip for tomorrow… Walgreens has a special Wed. only sale for FREE film developing! Check out their ad here: http://www.walgreens.com/hotbuys/default.jsp?ec=hn574_getcoupon

print out the coupon and finally develop those rolls or disposable cameras that have been shoved in your junk drawer for so long!

Growing in Prayer….

In the past few years, my prayer life has grown in ways that are hard to explain. I used to think that prayer was what you did when things were either going bad, or you wanted to "make a deal" with God and bargain for a better life. I used to think that prayer was kind of like a mixture of an obligation and a wish list.

And I was bored with praying, and didn't really believe that it was working.

My Dad and stepmom Maritza introduced me to a book called How to Hear God's Voice by Mark Virkler, and I was thrilled to learn that praying isn't just a one way street. Praying goes both ways... and it is the way to really KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with Christ is RELATIONAL!

I don't know how to explain everything that Mark Virkler explains in his book, but I recommend it highly… and I recommend it to be read with an open mind, and with the Bible by your side to "test it" so that you will not give into the fears that the enemy will plant in your mind that this type of praying might be "new agey".

I know that I often don't share with people about my "relationship" with God because they might think I'm weird or crazy or making it up… but my relationship is more than just words. My relationship with God also involves seeing Him in my mind, and hearing what He has to say and seeing what He wants to show me.

Fear of what others think is what often keeps me from my "quiet times", and it most definitely keeps me from sharing what I've learned in my "quiet times".

Fear comes from Satan…. NOT GOD. So, today I want to turn my back on that fear, and plunge ahead boldly by posting what I experienced in my quiet time this morning.

From my prayer journal this morning:

Jesus- take me away to where I can see you and love you and worship at your feet. I want to dance with you and rest with you and learn from you…

(Behind my closed eyes, I picture myself in a beautiful garden, near a creek in the woods where I often "sit with Jesus"… this is where I "go" to "BE STILL" so I can hear in my soul what the Lord wants to tell me.)

My field of flowers has turned into a field of golden wheat. Fully grown, fully mature, blowing casually, beautifully in the wind. Jesus walks through the field of wheat. It goes on as far as the eye can see. He stops in the middle and bends down to pick up one particular piece. He rubs his hands through it and shows it to me and tells me to touch it. It is soft and smooth and yet the edge is sharp like a razor. We grab hold of it together and pull it out.

Where the root should be is instead a white bulb- almost cocoon like- silky, yet like glass. I can't tell what's inside, but I just know it's going to be wonderful!

I start to wonder about all the other pieces of wheat. I want to run around pulling them all up!

But Jesus is still. He's taking his time with just this one. So, I wait with him.

Now we sit together- all I can see is wheat and sky, and my sweet friend and teacher holding out the "wheat bulb" that we pulled. He breathes on it and I can feel the warmth of his breath relax me. The bulb begins to clear.

"What is it Lord? What's inside of it? I'm not worthy to see what you are about to reveal to me"

He breathes on it again and the wind around us moves with him. I start to realize that the wind always came with his breaths.

He takes my hands and helps me hold the "wheat bulb". It's getting warm and clearer and there is a sparkle in Jesus' eye. The bulb begins to shine and as I look deeper into it and continue to feel the breath of Jesus I begin to see that I am what's inside.

I am so beautiful and confident and powerful inside this "wheat bulb". I know that I was created by my Savior and lovingly handpicked, chosen and warmed personally by Him. He patiently worked on me, and my face (inside the "wheat bulb") shines- I look at Jesus, and his face shines- I touch my own face standing there in the wheat and it feels like shiny, golden silk. It's tingling and warm and I feel like a burst of fireworks!!!!

( I continue in prayer…. )Thank-you Jesus! Thank-you for this vision. Thank-you for loving me, and sharing with me and waiting patiently for the right timing. Thank-you for handpicking me, I want to be just like you Jesus. Help me to know just which ones you are hand picking so I can share in the watching, pulling, waiting and breathing with you!

Now, for those of you that know me, you probably know that I am struggling right now with feeling "beautiful". I am struggling with believing in myself…. or rather in the fact that I am worth anything….

God knows that about me too.

But the Lord never gives up on me. He never quits pursuing me. He never stops loving me and He never leaves me for my lack of faith or my failure to learn the lessons He keeps setting before me. Just like in my "vision" this morning, I am always so eager to go off and get excited about what God is doing for others… I have a hard time with feeling worthy of anything He wants to do for me.

But, I think the purpose of what the Lord showed me this morning was a beautiful reminder that even in the midst of millions of people, He is big enough to come into the middle and spend time on just one person and show them His love. This morning, that was me.

Tomorrow or maybe even tonight….. I think that person is YOU!