The Open Bench

Crutches

2011-11-26T11:34:00.004-05:00

"How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God follow Him, if Baal is God, follow him". ~Elijah 1 Kings 18:21

Sometimes when I'm at a loss for what to say to God during my quiet times, I just pick up His word and start reading. I quietly ask him to bring to my attention whatever he wants to talk to me about and I just keep reading. Today, this verse in 1 Kings seemed to scream at me. I was especially interested in the words "waver", "opinions" and "follow".

According to the Strong's Concordance, the word used here for "waver" in Hebrew means much more than just waver. Pasah means "to be limp, to become crippled; to worship in a limping dance".

Just reading that more descriptive definition led me to picture this verse in a whole new light. I see His people (including myself) not just being wishy-washy, but being crippled and unable to worship fully.

When I looked up the word for "opinions" in Hebrew- my picture became even clearer. Seippin is not just a picture of divided opinions but also considered a figurative extension of hobbling on crutches.

I began to picture us using God as one crutch, and the world on the other side. This posture has us "leaning" on 2 things. We feel justified because we are technically "leaning on Him", but the truth of the picture is that we are leaning on 2 crutches. When that happens we aren't RELYING on God at all...
The more I "saw" this picture, the more I realized how crippling this posture is. If you're like me, and you've needed crutches before, you probably know that when you fully lean on both crutches.. it begins to hurt! You become "limp" and you actually end up feeling weaker than before all over your body. I picture myself on these 2 crutches, leaning on 2 things to support me, looking down, feeling the pain, feeling myself get weaker... and this is not the picture of relying on God at all!
In this posture of "wavering between 2 opinions" it's difficult to lift my eyes up to the heavens, it's hard to worship, it's impossible to lift my hands in surrender and praise, and my worship becomes a "limping dance" instead of a joyful one.

However, if you get rid of the "crutches"... you stop "wavering between 2 opinions" and FOLLOW GOD.. there are no more crutches in the picture. The word here for "follow" not only means to follow but also to pursue. Pursuing Him strengthens me... pursuing Him is what it looks like to rely on Him fully. I picture my pursuit of God like a healthy image of a runner in training... strong, focused, and determined. Head able to be held high, eyes on the ONE that I pursue..... and I am spurred on by passion and desire for the ONE that encourages me from up ahead.

I love it when His Word comes alive and gives me direction. :)

He will never leave me

2011-07-26T11:25:00.000-04:00

(copied from my facebook notes page... originally written on 7/21/11)

As many of you know, I have been grieving the death of my 12 year old dog and my grandfather for the past 2 weeks. Less than a year ago, I also grieved the loss of my other grandfather. This past year has had many stressors.... both negative and positive, and I have been truly crushed under the weight of it all these past 2 weeks. I might not show it all the time, but my family surely has seen the toll it has taken on me.

This morning I was soaking to a worship set at IHOP from a few days ago. Matt Gilman was singing the song "Draw me close" and I was pleading with Jesus to "Help me know you are near".

While I always "know" he is near.... I just wasn't feeling Him... I was feeling alone, discouraged, exhausted in grief. I was feeling worn down, "limp", withdrawn, feeble, and lazy. I've BEEN feeling all those things since Lucky got sick.

I've had moments where I "knew" Jesus was with me in my sorrow.... but it wasn't changing the fact that I still FELT all those things.

As I sang... "Help me know YOU are near".... I heard the gentle whisper in my soul of "I will never leave you nor forsake you".

I continued to worship for a little while, and then went to my Bible and looked up that verse. I found it in Deuteronomy 31 vs 6 and vs 8.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will ever leave you nor forsake you."

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged"

The Lord seemed to be making me focus on the word "leave" in these verses. So, I looked them up in my concordance. There are many Hebrew and Greek words used for the word "leave" throughout the Bible. But only 3 times does this particular word for leave show up. All 3 times, it is used in the sentence "will never leave you nor forsake you". This word in Hebrew is rapa.

Rapa first and foremost means

to hang limp,
sink down,
be feeble;
to be lazy,
to lower;
discourage"

and then it is used to mean:

"leave alone, abandon, withdraw".

When I read this, I was washed over with comfort as the Lord said to me

"I will never hang limp, sink down, be feeble, be lazy, lower you or discourage you; leave, abandon or withdraw from you..... even when you are feeling all of those things!!!"

It was like a huge relief to know that while I am weak... He is strong! His promises not only revive me, but they also give me permission to REST in Him!!! I can "go limp" in His arms and know without a doubt that He will NEVER rapa me! :)

In God's Hands

2011-04-23T17:13:00.004-04:00

I recently had the pleasure of going on a cruise. While I was out at sea, I was enthralled by the volume of water all around in every direction as far as the eye could see. I meditated on the verse

" Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens"
Isaiah 40:12

I thought about the fact that he not only measures the waters that look so expansive to me in the palm of his hand, but he also used those very same hands to create the earth and the skies above

"My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens"
Isaiah 48: 13

Those hands must be so impressive... so strong, so powerful! As a matter of fact when I did a word study this morning on the word "hand" or "hands"... I found that hands are a "figure of power, control, care, direction & strength" (Strong's Concordance). I had never thought of power and control as being in the same set of descriptive words as care! I love how God's Word often opens up new meanings for me as I read!!!

As I completed this word study on "hands" I was blown away by all that God's hands do. Those same hands that form the heavens and the skies, and measure the heavens and the skies also

sustain me {Ps. 18:35}
uphold me (gives support, confidence, braces) {Ps. 63:8, Ps 37:24, Is. 41:10}
hold me {Ps. 73:23, Is. 42:6}
stretch out against the anger of my foes (protects me) {Ps. 138:7}
save me {Ps 138:7}
satisfy my desires {Ps. 145: 16}
strengthen me {Is. 41:10}
form me like clay {Jer. 18:6}
fill me with joy and eternal pleasures {Ps. 16:11}

Over and over again in the scriptures it talks of how God holds us by the hand. His hands, the powerful, creation making hands, take the CARE to help me...

"Your right hand sustains me, you stoop down to make me great"
Psalm 18:35

All I can say now is

"As for me, I am in Your hands; do with me whatever you think is good and right"
Jeremiah 26:14

Thank-you Lord for Your love so great that you would stoop down to hold my tiny hand in yours and comfort me on the path of life.

He is JEALOUS for me

2011-01-01T11:56:00.000-05:00

words from one of my favorite songs....

"He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
bending beneath
the weight of His wind and mercy"

Recently the word "jealous" has been coming up a lot when I think about my relationship with God. Most of the time we think of the word jealous as a bad thing that is to be avoided. So why does the Bible call God jealous????
I looked up "jealous" in my concordance and learned that the Hebrew word for jealous in those particular scriptures is a different word than the word for jealous when scriptures mention human jealousy. In hebrew... God is "qanna" for us. Qanna means jealous but it is an adjective that is used EXCLUSIVELY of God. It focuses on HIS DESIRE FOR EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS.
The word qanna is only used a few times in the scriptures, this morning I mediated on the very first time it was used.

Exodus 20:4-5
"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God....."

yes.. this is in the 10 commandments. Coincidental? I think not.

As I read over the 10 commandments this morning I noticed that for 8 of the commandments.... they are simply commandments with no explanation given as to why. But this particular commandment about not making idols... is where God chooses to first explain why he's giving this command! He is a jealous God... he desires an exclusive relationship with us.... and that is WHY he asks us not to make idols of other things and worship them.

The more I thought about this, the more I was convicted of how short I fall of keeping His commandments and how much I truly NEED my Savior Jesus Christ!

As a mother.... I often have "commandments" that I have needed to give over the years to my kids. Many times I can just simply say "do this" or "don't do that" and I can expect it to be done without any explanation. I've even fallen into the dreaded, "because I said so" routine once or twice. ;)
But sometimes... even without my kids having to ask me "why?".. I offer a command and immediately explain why. The reason I do this is to stress the importance I place on that particular command!!!
For instance.... when my kids were little... I didn't just say "Don't touch the stove".... I said, "don't touch the stove because it's hot and it might burn you".

Now, back to the 10 commandments. Only 2 of them have an explanation of why they are given.

* don't make an idol and bow down to worship it
* Remember the Sabbath by keeping it holy.

These are the 2 most commonly broken commandments. They seem silly to us. I know I don't consciously "make idols to worship"... but there are plenty of things in my life that prevent God from having an exclusive relationship with me. :( (TV, facebook, extra hours of sleep in the morning, movies, books, music... the list could go on and on.)

I'm not sure that God is saying to me this morning that I should never do any of those things.... but I am fully convicted that I have minimized this commandment and never really noticed how important it was to Him.

If He is jealous for me... He wants to be my everything.. not just my first priority. He wants my all... not just my quiet time, He wants my whole heart, not just the corner I've set aside next to all the other things in life that give me pleasure. He wants me to KNOW that his DESIRE IS FOR ME EXCLUSIVELY.

I want my response to be obedience to His desires this year.

I am this woman

2010-11-17T12:21:00.005-05:00

I love the picture that is presented in the Song of Songs. If this book of the Bible is truly a glimpse into God's heart for his bride, then I am totally blown away and excited to be engaged!!! :)

This morning I was flipping through and started reading in chapter 3. As always found myself wondering what it would be like to be as beautiful as the woman that this lover is so enthralled by.

Then I flipped back to the first chapter... and head the woman speak

I am weathered, but still elegant, oh dear sisters in Jerusalem. Weather darkened like Kedar desert tents, time softened like Solomon's Temple hangings. Don't look down on me because I am dark, darkened by the suns harsh rays. My brothers ridiculed me and sent me to work in the fields. They made me care for the face of the earth, but I had no time to care for my own face." Song of Songs 1:5-6

I began to see a different picture of this woman. She didn't see herself as beautiful... she saw her flaws. She saw her dark, weathered skin... remembering how her brothers had teased her, and acknowledging how she had been working in the fields, not staying inside pampered as the women of that day were expected to. She seems to almost be apologizing for her appearance here.

How often do I feel the need to do the same? How many times have I wanted to apologize to my own husband for being overweight or put on sunglasses to hide my face when checking the mail without any make up on when I knew the neighbors were outside too? Is it possible that this woman in the song of songs also had trouble with her self image?

But how can this be? The rest of the book is full of her lover's compliments. Full of her lover's loving gaze never once mentioning a negative quality. The rest of the Song of Songs paints a picture of a woman whose beauty stirs the heart of her lover.

With this realization, I began to become fully aware that this book really is a glimpse into God's heart for me... His bride. He doesn't view me through the eyes of criticism and judgment.. He sees me through the eyes of love. He sees me and "feasts" on me.

"He took me home with him for a festive meal, but his eyes feasted on me!" Song of Songs 2:4

I shouldn't (and won't) be jealous of this woman in the Song of Songs... I will instead embrace the poetry of love and accept that at my core.. I am this woman.

Into the Light

2010-09-24T08:59:00.001-04:00

This song by Laura Woodley Osman had me streaming in tears the first time I heard it. Everytime I start to feel "not good enough" I can go back to it and get wrapped in the Father's love again.

I hope you enjoy the video I made from it. :)

Locked

2010-07-27T11:02:00.001-04:00

come closer to the light
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

This morning as I sat quietly with the Lord, I became aware of the fact that I still really struggle with being loved. I'm eager to give love to those I pick and choose to love, but receiving it is usually something I quickly respond "I love you too" and then my heart says "let's move on..."

This past summer the Lord has really been showing me that in order to really show and give love (His greatest command)... I must first receive it. How can I give something away that I don't truly have enough of myself???

Proverbs 27:19
Just as water mirrors your face, so your face mirrors your heart

And I saw my heart... locked up behind a gate. My gate wasn't exactly like the one pictured, because I could peak through the lock as people pass by... but this picture captures a very important part of the truth about my heart behind the gate. Jesus was sitting right outside my gate... (the LIGHT)... and he had a keyring full of all the keys I had given Him to use for opening and closing my gate to get to my heart. He showed me that I had a lock that randomly changed which made it take longer for Him to open the gate for me. Here I was thinking I had given Him all the keys so He was in charge of my heart... but the truth is... I had a trick lock installed so that I could still be in charge of my heart.
Sometimes the music key would be successful at reaching me, sometimes the journaling key... sometimes the psychology key... and sometimes the artistic images key would work. But the more I change the lock, the longer it takes for Him to figure out which one will work today.
I pictured Jesus sitting outside of my gate, fumbling with the key ring and saw that he must have just found out that the journaling key was working today... and I came out from behind my gate to be with Him. And then He said,

"Coming out gives you the chance to feel my love and "get your fill". But you still have the opportunity to run back behind the gate and stop feeling. What you don't know is that I can love you even better from the inside.

What would being loved on the INSIDE of the gate be like???
I picture the view inside the gate flooded with His light... There is freedom INSIDE the gate... and the purpose for the gate is not for protecting my heart anymore... Jesus does that... the purpose of the gate is to hang an sign that says

"Look here~ This is love in action! This is God's handiwork- His chosen bride! Most beautiful and precious.. come and see what His creation looks like in the full care of the perfect lover!"

That's what I want.. more than anything...
if Jesus is INSIDE the gates with my heart.... then my face will mirror HIM!!!

murky beautiful

2010-06-28T11:23:00.001-04:00

murky beautiful
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

Just look for a moment at this photo... a beautiful reflection of the sky...

what you don't know is that at the time I took this photo... the smell at the waters edge was repulsive... and the water was scummy and gross ~ murky would be a complimentary description...I thought for sure that my trip to the river for sunset photos was a complete waste of time.

But I was wrong.

Thankfully, God is good... and He was able to show His Glory with ease in the midst of what I thought was dirty, gross and ugly.

Isn't He just as capable with us???!!!

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't and doesn't wait for us to get ready. He presented Himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready..... God put His love on the line for us by offering His Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to Him. (Romans 5:9-11 The Message Translation)

I'm so grateful that God picked my ugly, dirty, stinky sin filled body and created a reflection of His Glory out of it. He didn't need me to "get cleaned up" for Him... instead He loved and sent His Son to die so that like this photo... I would be beautiful and not repulsive.

Gold: worthless or valuable?

2010-06-14T13:16:00.001-04:00

sunset at the top of Big Talbot Island
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

This morning I was reading in the book "Drawing Near" by John Bevere (see my resources page!) as part of my homework for a small group at church. I was deeply convicted by something the author mentioned in reference to the church of Laodicea so I went to read that section of Revelation on my own. (Revelation 3: 14-22)

Instead of condemnation as a side dish to the conviction I felt... I received instructions!

"Buy your gold from me" (vs. 18)

so I asked God what is His gold??????

I had a quick flash in my mind about the "gold dust" that sometimes is reported to be found at gatherings of people in the presence of God. (I've often doubted or wondered about stories like this... but during my journalings with the Lord I trust that He is the one who impresses images upon my mind when I question Him about something He brought up in the first place!) Then, just as quickly as that thought came I then saw a flash of "heavenly streets paved with gold".
And then.. a still small voice in my heart said

"What is valuable is worthless, and what is worthless is valuable"

I think that what this means is that buying gold from God (his instruction in Rev 3:18) is like asking him to simply sweep the floors of heaven over me. A simple act that He doesn't hesitate to do when asked.
My time, on the other hand- is spent constantly on worthless things (facebook, TV, etc) and the Father sees MY TIME AND ATTENTION as very valuable and he WANTS them! Why do I hesitate to hand over to Him what I so freely give to worthless things? The Lord sees this as an even trade- buying His gold with my time and attention.
(worthless in heaven=gold.... worthless here according to my actions=time) But in the bigger picture.. they are obviously both valuable to the one that requires it.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around all of this.. but as I seek Him for something of value I realize that I should also be giving Him what He values.

My Metaphor

2010-06-04T10:30:00.001-04:00

almost sunflower
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

For most of my life I have had the blackest thumb. I couldn't keep any plants alive for long.. and I had pretty much given up. But last year, last June to be exact, I returned home from North Carolina and decided to turn my back yard into my very own wildflower oasis. I asked the Lord to really bless my attempts so that I could someday marvel in His works and turn my garden into my "quiet place" for seeking His presence.

This year, He has begun to really answer that prayer. I am so excited about each morning spent in my garden and even more excited about the lessons I am learning from it as I seek His presence there.

The most recent lesson I learned in my garden comes from the phases of a flowers life. Take this sunflower pictured above. For days, almost weeks it was on the verge of blooming. I awoke each morning excited to see if it would open today... and each morning it was beautiful and green, but not fully open.

And I loved my "almost sunflower" at each stage... beauty was never once withheld as a descriptor of this flower.

Then it occurred to me that this flower was a metaphor for me... in God's garden.

I was once just a seed... and he watched over me.. watered me, fed me.. and kept the squirrels and birds away from me. I grew and grew.. taller and taller. Each day he was excited to find me still in his garden... and he marveled at MY BEAUTY every step of the way.

So why do I think I will only be beautiful when I've fully bloomed open?????

I look at this "almost sunflower" and I think it is beautiful right now.

And then, when it begins to open up.. I still think it's beautiful. Just because it changes doesn't take away from its beauty.

And I knew in my heart of hearts that this was me now. Beginning to bloom... more beautiful than I was before... but it hasn't detracted from from my beauty before either. I've yet to fully open up... exposing all of my petals and my heart to the sun... but I'm on the way! God watches me expectantly and excited each day cheering me along and enjoying me IN THE MOMENT.

And he also knows just what I'll be like when I'm fully open, and fully exposed and warmed by HIS SON.

After soaking in this awareness and accepting the feelings of love that washed over me with this metaphor... the enemy tried to sneak in and remind me that flowers don't live forever... eventually they fade and die.

and the Lord said...

Your garden is simply an example, my perfection is revealed in your life, in the love that I pour out- and in the SON no fading or dying will ever come to pass. There will be no more death and dying! My plans for YOUR bloom are for everlasting life!

The Hammock

2010-05-27T16:20:00.001-04:00

Saturday afternoon hammock time
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

.....and I wondered, does that mean that there is a time to feel close to God and a time to feel far from Him? So often it seems that just when I reach a level of intimacy with God that I long for, then doubt creeps in and pulls me away for a time. I began to question the Lord about this pattern in my life. Was it what he wanted?

there is a time for everything right?

Just like the ebb and flow of the tide... a rhythm in life that He has ordained... was it the same for our relationship?

And I felt my hammock sway in the wind beneath me- bringing with it a new understanding.

As the hammock moves, back and forth, up and down... so do I. The movement of the hammock is not AWAY from me- it is continually WITH me even as it moves. I can on my own accord move the hammock faster- swinging back and forth in an exciting fashion. Or, I can rest and let the naturalness of the hammock's rocking motion relax me. The hammock may even get so still that I barely notice it- but if I close my eyes, I can still feel the gentle sway.

The understanding that became clear from my hammock... was that I could just as easily replace the word "Holy Spirit" everywhere I said hammock in the paragraph above.

As the Holy Spirit moves, back and forth, up and down... so do I. The movement of theHoly Spirit is not AWAY from me- it is continually WITH me even as it moves. I can on my own accord move the Holy Spirit faster- swinging back and forth in an exciting fashion. Or, I can rest and let the naturalness of the Holy Spirit 's rocking motion relax me. The Holy Spirit may even get so still that I barely notice it- but if I close my eyes, I can still feel the gentle sway.

Just as I can kick my feet in a hammock to make it more "noticeable" of a motion.. I can also call on the Holy Spirit to become more noticeable and vibrantly active in my life.

There are also times where it is perfectly fine to just rest and relax.

All I need to do is close my eyes and let my senses become aware of the fact that He is always with me... cradling me... even in the times when I wasn't aware of Him.

writing on the walls...

2010-05-25T16:40:00.003-04:00

Here in my heart, I've needed God to come in and tear down walls that I've put up to keep everyone out. I've needed him to walk thru them and rescue me from my own creations. I've needed him to knock them over, blow them down, disintegrate them with a touch, paint them into something different and sometimes simply provide a door or a window so I can escape them.

Then today I realized that at the same time as he's been knocking down the walls I put up... he's also been building me a new "room" in His house. (John 14:2)That means he's been putting up 4 walls just for me! His walls are totally different from the ones I've been putting up. My walls are covered in dirt, grime, and reminders of trauma or accusations of sins from my past.

But He is busy at work building me a room with walls that will keep me safe and secure, and able to rest fully in his love.The walls he is preparing for me now... aren't there to keep people out. They are there to keep me with him. The walls he is preparing for me now are filled with promises, love and joy.

Just like he "walks thru my walls" here in my heart... he is "writing on the walls" of the heart he has prepared for me.

Some of the things he has written so far are:

“God of the Angel Armies will step in and take care of His flock… He’ll revive their spirits, and make them proud to be on God’s side….I’ll put muscle in the people of Judah… I know their pain and will make them good as new. They’ll get a fresh start, as if nothing had ever happened… their lives brimming with joy… their children will get in on it too~ oh let them feel blessed by God!... I’ve set them free- oh how they’ll flourish!” (from Zechariah 10)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (from 1 Cor. 13)

“… He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” (from Is 61)

“He forgives your sins- every one. He heals your disease- every one. He redeems you from hell- saves your life! He crowns you with love and mercy- a paradise crown. He wraps you in goodness- beauty eternal. He renews your youth- you’re always young in his presence. God makes everything come out right, he puts victims back on their feet….God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he’s rich in love. He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins.” (from Ps 103)

“Comfort, oh comfort for my people, says your God. Speak softly and tenderly to Jerusalem, but also make it clear that she has served her sentence, that her sin is taken care of- forgiven!” (from Is 40)

“Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell. The fire of love stops at nothing- it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can’t drown love, torrents of rain can’t put it out…..I am my lovers. I’m all he wants. I’m all the world to him!...You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless. Come with me from Lebanon, my bride. Leave Lebanon behind, and come, Leave your high mountain hideaway, abandon your wilderness seclusion where you keep company with lions and panthers guard your safety. You’ve captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessness in love. (from Song of Songs)

I would encourage you each to spend some time reading the letter God prepared for you... (His Word) and allow your heart to receive special messages that apply to you. He is continually writing on the walls that he is preparing for us... are you willing to see what he is saying to you?

Painting with Jesus

2010-05-05T16:19:00.001-04:00

painting by the Master
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

A glimpse into the past few days between me and Jesus:

Jesus takes me by the hand and runs me thru the streets of gold- we turn down a golden alley on the left and he opens a door on the left. (It is hard to call this an alley, because it is so full of light and gold shines everywhere, not at all like the alleys on earth!)
We enter a room FULL of jewels of every color. This treasure room has sapphires, rubies, diamonds and all kinds of gems I do not know the names of. There are master paintings all over, and flowers are growing from the jewel pots! (instead of dirt, there’s more jewels!) Jesus begins adorning me with jewels. He places a beautiful belt around my waist that drips in diamonds- it hangs like a chord after it’s tied around my waist.He gives me a small strip of a crown to wear across my head- and adorns my feet with dainty shoes made of a million jewels that blend together into clear like glass. They are not uncomfortable at all, it feels as if I’m wearing soft downy feather pillows on my feet. I see a bracelet on my arm, lavished in diamonds of every color- and I know I am being prepared for my wedding.
I say “Isn’t it going to be too much?” I want HIM to be the focus of attention= I shouldn’t be so “eye-catchingly beautiful”. And I know that even with all of this on- He will still be the one that takes everyone’s breath away. His beauty and light will make all of this pale in comparison.
So, I can go ahead and keep adding jewels to my wardrobe. I wonder, “where did all these come from anyway?”
And I know- each jewel is a praise I’ve lifted up to Him with all my heart and soul… He stored them up to bless me with. And he reminded me- that the diamonds were made from my tears- not just the tears of pain- but also from the tears of joy that I’ve shed when entering His presence.

Another day…
I see Jesus standing by a beautiful painting of a sunset over a lake. The water is full of reflections, like diamonds on each ripple in the water. I am dazzled by the beauty in this painting. He is still painting it, with special heavenly paint. This paint is not just “building up layer on top of layer” ending in a dull muddy mess… this paint is actually changing the painting with each stroke into more dazzling beauty. I begin to get dizzy pressing in to hear Jesus as he paints. He turns to steady me, his hands on my shoulders, as we face the painting together. I ask him what is important about this phrase “steady in the storm” that has been imprinted as the title of this painting in my mind.
I envision a tornado… a deadly chaotic storm… a storm that brings fear and pain. But Jesus is “steady in the storm” as he walks through it. He can look around from inside the storm and see everything blowing around and he will not get hurt.
I begin to get frustrated because I know that he intends to take me inside the storm that is me. Why?? I thought I was done with all this “healing” stuff!!!
His reply… not until I’m in heaven will my journey be done.
Am I okay with that?
Yes… I am aware that some people never get to go on this journey at all. I feel sorry for them. I think of hiking in the mountains and the incredible view that is visible only at the end of the journey. I begin to appreciate this opportunity instead of resenting it.

So.. Jesus and I prepare for a journey into the storm. He hands me some “night vision goggles” and tells me that these will help me to see what he wants me to see along the way. They are perfect for exposing defense mechanisms along the way… and that is what we are really here to do.
Eventually we reach a painful place. As I enter this place with Jesus, I become aware of the fact that my tears and choking voice are fading. A new “tough girl” attitude has taken control of my emotions. At the same time, I also realize that I no longer see or hear Jesus. Numbness has taken over, and I don’t feel the pain anymore. I realize there is a giant wall that has just gone up between me and Jesus. I don’t see him and he doesn’t answer me when I call to him. Tough girl doesn’t really care… but I am sure that I am tired of having walls. I beg him to tear it down or create a door or something… but all I have is this numb, cold wall and a tough girl ready to end the journey.
I close my eyes… and travel back to the room of jewels and paintings, where I know it’s easy to find my Jesus. There he is… right by my side.. I can feel him steady my shoulders once again. Peace and comfort replace the numbness and cold. With a sigh of relief… Jesus and I can then go back to the wall and look at it from the outside.
My wall is like an old castle wall. A fortress… of large gray blocks that reach as high as the sky. No cracks for vines to crawl up, no chance of knocking it down. But Jesus points out that it’s not responsible for holding anything up. It’s just a wall standing alone in the middle of nowhere. It’s okay if we tear it down.
Instead of knocking it over into a pile of rubbish- Jesus begins to paint over it with his special heavenly paint. We paint together and CHANGE the wall into a beautiful wildflower field at the top of a mountain. We aren’t just covering up the wall... we are transforming it and replacing it with something beautiful. The names of the paint colors are love, joy and hope… and I am filled with all three of these as we paint together.
When the wall is gone, I walk into the field with Jesus. I see the ‘tough girl” over in the far right of the field, hiding in the tall grasses. For a moment I picture Jesus sitting next to her, back to back… and I imagine him giving her a flower… but then she is gone…. poof … forever.
My defense mechanism serves no purpose any longer… for I have Jesus, my master painter with me always.
Just Jesus and me… steady in the storm.

Lightbulb

2009-07-09T22:00:00.001-04:00

Lightbulb
Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

"The Word was the source of life, and this life brought light to mankind" John 1:4

Somehow, nowadays we've learned techniques for turning on and off the light whenever we want to.

I'm not sure, "in light of things today" if that is a wise habit for us to have.

I think I need more light... and I'm willing to take my chances on the "risk of fire".

and no.. I'm not talking about a lightbulb anymore here.

not much left to give

2009-04-28T09:07:00.008-04:00

not much left to give

sometimes I feel a little bit like this dandelion...like I don't have much left to give...

blow on me one more time, and I'm done....but I find hope in knowing

that each piece that is sent out, will someday rise up to meet the sun again. "

Originally uploaded by denesiachristine

Proverbs 20:5 (The Message Translation)
"Knowing what is right is like deep water in the heart; a wise person draws from the well within"

Let's face it, as women today, we often feel like dandelions with no more seed pods left. Trying to balance family, career, beauty, housework, and everything else in between can wear a girl out!

I'm so glad I have "deep water in my heart" so I can go and draw from it to refresh me and make me whole again.

Thank-you Jesus for helping me see the beauty in every stage of who I am.

Freedom from my chains

2009-02-05T09:36:00.006-05:00

Psalm 116:16
O Lord, truly I am your servant. I am your servant, the son of your maidservant, you have freed me from my chains.

What exactly does freedom mean? According to Webster:
1: the quality or state of being free: as a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence c: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous (troublesome)

We often hear in the church that we have been "set free", and that Jesus "broke the chains" that bind us to sin.

And it all sounds cliche.

I look around the church in America and I see people who don't look free. I see people who are constantly held in "coercion and constraint in choice or action". I see people who are slaves to the power of "what the person next to them thinks". I don't see anyone exempt or released from something troublesome.

But, I also see the truth that Jesus DID break the chains that keep us prisoner in this world. I believe in His Word, and wonder why so many of us are still struggling with impressing others with our appearance, or impressing others with our religious rules and ability to be perfect in front of everyone else.

Acts 16:26
...At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose.

hmmm.... the chains are loose... but not gone.

Recently I had the opportunity to go and worship at the Orlando House of Prayer with Kim Walker. She leads worship in a way that begs us to walk in freedom.. the freedom of worship. The freedom I felt while singing MY HEART instead of just my words to my Father in Heaven was a very powerful, moving, and joyful experience.

The key word here isn't freedom.. it's experience.

Did you know that God created our brains to learn in 2 ways? Our brain is divided into 2 hemispheres... the left handles words and knowledge.... and the right handles experience. (learn more here) How many times do you approach "being a christian" with only left brained knowledge? I believe God created us with 2 hemispheres for a reason... so I embraced what was happening in my right hemisphere!

When I was able to experience the presence of God during that time of worship... it enabled my entire brain to finally "get it". One of the lines in one of the songs Kim leads is:

I asked you for freedom, you broke every chain and gave me the keys

In my time of worship I was able to finally see that God did give me freedom... he did break the chains just like it's promised in His Word... and he then handed me the keys to those chains. I, like many other Christians, have been holding onto my chains instead of letting them fall.

Isaiah 52:2
Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive daughter of Zion.

I challenge each of my readers to consider letting go of the broken chains that bind you. Find freedom in Christ by opening up the right hemisphere of your brain and allowing yourself to experience Him instead of locking yourself up into religion and rules.

I can stand freely without my chains today because I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is by my side. I didn't have to memorize it or force myself to read about him everyday. I KNOW it because I've experienced Him in my life.
That... is freedom.

I don't have to be coerced into following Him. I want to.
I don't have to be a slave to singing only what the person next to me sings on Sunday morning, or spouting off verses that have no meaning to me. I am free to sing as loud or as quiet as I want to, even if there's a break in the chorus! I am free to let the verses that I've experienced as alive flow out of me naturally. God likes it when I'm different from the crowd!
I don't have to fall into despair and frustration when trouble knocks on my door.. I can praise my God because I know he will either deliver me from it or teach me something from it.

I believe that worship is the key to discovering this freedom... so why not take the time to go after it for yourself. There's a playlist of Kim Walker's music in my side panel that might help. :)

Getting closer to Him...

2009-01-06T10:31:00.006-05:00

With the new year, comes new "commitments" (I shy away from the word resolutions).
It is my hope to get closer to God this year by spending more and more time with Him. I also hope to become "contagious" in my family, if you know what I mean! But, sometimes my kids struggle with the concept of a "quiet time" because it's boring or because they think they never hear from God.
Well, I must admit that sometimes even I feel that way.
So, this morning, without even knowing what I wanted to learn from His Word today, I was led to 2 Kings 3. In this particular passage, Elisha has been approached by a King who wants to hear from God. It seems like Elisha really doesn't want to help this King, but then offhandedly says,

"now bring me a harpist."

And the verse continues on to say

"While the harpist was playing, the hand of the Lord came upon Elisha"

Do you think Elisha was "in the mood" to hear from God when this King he disliked came to him? I don't think so. Do you think it would be easy to hear from God when your in a bad mood or not feeling "inspired"? I can tell you from experience.. it's almost impossible to hear from God when I'm grumpy or even when I'm just "bored" and not looking forward to my "quiet time".
So, what can we learn from Elisha in this passage?
We need a harpist! :)
Okay, well not exactly a harpist.. but what does a harpist do for Elisha? He plays music for him. The music seems to have a key part in Elisha's willingness to hear from God. He knew in advance that in order to hear from God he would need music!

Now, when I think about my own best times with the Lord.. I am quite certain that most of those times involved music in one way or another even though I never thought about it that way nor planned it.

So why do we call it a Quiet Time??? Shouldn't we be listening to music be played in hopes that the "hand of God will come upon us"?
My kids will probably jump at the idea of counting listening to music as time with God... but that's only the first step!

The next step in hearing from God is to be in His Word.
My pastor this week spent some time in Deuteronomy telling us that we are to "live like Kings" and that means that we should be in the Word. His sermon was very enlightening, but he skimmed over a very important part of the passage.
Deuteronomy 17:18-19

When he takes the throne of his kingdom, he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law taken from the priests, who are Levites. It is to be with him, and he is to read it all the days of his life so that he may learn to revere the Lord his God and follow carefully all the words of this law and these decrees.

My pastor made it very clear that we are to be reading the Word... but did you notice what it says to do BEFORE that?

"he is to write for himself on a scroll a copy of this law..."

I think this is a very clear instruction for us to "journal" the Word as we read it. Writing it down as we study it is just as important as reading it alone.

As we journal, what else should we write besides the actual scriptures? Well, one of my favorite verses in support of journaling is found in Habbakkuk 2. Here I get the impression that Habbakkuk is frustrated, but still turning to God for answers. And God answers him by saying,

"Write down the revelation, and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it"

Or, as The Message Translation says,

"Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run".

This makes it so clear to me, that God wants me to write down the insights I get as I'm praying or as I'm reading and writing down His Word. He doesn't want me to hide it or make it into a big giant production either.. he wants it to be portable so I can read it when I need it the most... in the middle of trouble!! He doesn't say to only write the "words he says"... because he knows we often don't "hear what he says to us". He says to "write what you see"(revelation). So that means if we are praying/worshiping/journaling.. and we see in our imagination an image... that we should write that down too.

So, our "quiet time" in my house is going to be different this year. I will encourage my family to worship God with music as part of their "God time" and then pray, read His Word, and write down any verses that seem to "pop out " when reading. And then pray some more and look and listen for any Words/Pictures from God and write them down too.

And I am confident that we will get closer to Him this way.... because this is the way he instructs us to do it!

Promises

2008-12-23T09:49:00.003-05:00

This morning it is my desire to place all my hope in the promises of God.

Often it is easy to say that I "trust in the Lord".. knowing that He is in charge is usually comforting enough to get me through the rough spots. But, if you're like me, sometimes... trusting in the Lord is easier said than done.

How many times have you told yourself to "trust God" only to then wonder what that really means. How many times have you felt discouraged by people who tell you to "trust God" when times are tough?????

Sometimes doing all the right things and reading all the right verses... just doesn't seem to cut it.

I think I've read Jeremiah 29:11 a million times

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".

and every time I've read it I've wondered what ARE those plans???? And I've tried with all my strength to trust in the Lord... when really what he's saying here is that we can trust in his plans for us!
His plans for us are specific... they are not generic open ended for all people...

Think about Abraham for a moment.

In Romans, Paul talks about Abraham and this verse really opened my eyes up to how I should be trusting in God...
(From the Message Romans 4:18-23?)

"When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn't do but on what God said he would do... He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said."

Did Abraham simply trust in God.. or did Abraham trust in the PROMISES God made to Abraham?

So, I challenge you today.. if you're struggling and in tough times like I am... consider actually talking to God and asking Him if he has any promises FOR YOU! There is a heightened hope in promises that God gives when they are tailor made for you! Trusting in a far off God overseeing the world's problems gives room for doubt and unbelief.. but letting His Promises wash over and comfort you builds up hope and confidence! That requires us to come before God in a way that begs for a personal relationship... letting Him speak to you... hearing His Words in your heart... is surely to help us "come up strong, ready for God to make good on what he says"

Waiting like a watchman...

2008-12-15T08:52:00.007-05:00

How do you wait?
Waiting for something you not only want, but need desperately seems impossible to do when you've already waited for what feels like forever.
Waiting patiently is what we feel like we're "supposed" to do. But it also feels impossible.

I've been "waiting" for my house to sell for 23 months now... and I put my house on the market to begin with in response to what the Lord told me to do. For me, the act of putting my house on the market was one of submission to both the Lord, and my husband. I submitted my will and began to "desire" what He wanted for me instead of what I wanted for me.

And then... the market dropped. I did everything possible to make my house more desirable in this "buyers market". I removed my family photos, kept everything super clean, reorganized the kids rooms to look more like model home rooms instead of personalized... "staged" each room for showings... allowed my life to be put on hold countless times so that strangers could walk through and criticize my decorations or discover that my yard wasn't as large as they had hoped. I would take the dog (and all of his HAIR) for hour long rides in the car as these strangers expected my daily life and work to just drop at their command. And I waited for the Lord to send the buyer He had in mind for my house. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I gave thanks to the Lord for working in my own heart and for working in my husband's heart through this whole process. And I prayed and prayed and prayed.

And each month that passed felt like an eternity.. and began to wear out my patience, my hope, and my faith.

I no longer got excited that "this might be the one" when I had a showing. I no longer felt anything but disdain for this whole process, as well as for my house. And I began to wonder if praying was ever going to work. I began to wonder if God was even listening.. and I began to let the doubt, and fear, and weariness wear me down. I felt like a child in the dark, hiding in the closet, covering her ears to the threats all around her, just wishing it would end.Then I stopped praying. I got comfortable in my figurative dark closet. I began to wear the doubts, and fears and lies from the enemy that God wasn't going to help because I must have messed up somewhere along the way.

and still the house didn't sell.

But somewhere deep inside my heart I began to hear the Lord calling my attention back to Him, and back to His Word.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His Word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord-
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130: 5-6

The beginning of this verse inspired me.. and I wanted to be able to say this was true of my heart. But the second part of it confused me and seemed to be more important for me to understand. What is a watchman? What does he do? How can my soul wait for the Lord even MORE than the watchmen wait for the morning?

I posed this question out loud as my daughter was getting ready for school right beside me. And she described to me what she thought a watchman was. "A watchman is like in the army... and it's dark outside... so he has to stay on guard all night to make sure no one attacks them before the sun comes up. "

and then I began to get a picture in my mind of what a watchman does.

Alone in the dark, it is his duty to protect his "camp" from the enemy. He stays on guard throughout the night.. and his attention is heightened BECAUSE it it dark! He can't see what's coming.. he doesn't know what's coming to attack. He doesn't know which angle the enemy is going to come from so he is vigilant to look in every direction as he maintains his guard. And he KNOWS that the sun will rise in the morning! He KNOWS without a doubt that when the sun comes up, his job will be a little easier because then he can SEE where the enemy is coming from! The night might seem long.. but he waits for the morning on FULL ALERT!

He doesn't lay down and cry and give into the darkness that surrounds him. He doesn't stop watching because it's only midnight and morning seems to far off. He knows that every minute that passes brings him one minute closer to the morning.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His Word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord-
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Psalm 130: 5-6

How can I wait like this? It's not about "patience". It's about CONFIDENCE!! Waiting like the watchman is having confidence that the sun will rise in the morning.

If I KNOW that the sun will rise everyday with 100% certainty...

then my soul must KNOW that the Lord will come through on His Word with 200% certainty!!! This is a whole new concept for me today! I am one minute closer to seeing God come through for me and my family right now! The 23 months that have passed only prove that my "morning" is close!

I'm putting my hope in His Word and will wait for his promises to me even MORE than the watchman waits for the morning!

Prayer Chain for a friend...

2008-12-12T21:34:00.003-05:00

I just found out that an xKimkins friend of mine is in need of even more prayer than usual. This post is a "prayer chain" that I'm carrying on for AmyB...

Lord I pray that you would reach down and place your hands upon Amy and her family right now. I pray for healing in her body, and in her son's body. I pray for wisdom for her doctors and strength for her whole family. I pray for peace and comfort during a time when peace and comfort seems impossible. I praise you for your will and for your plans to prosper Amy and not to harm her.

Amy.. I'm sorry I haven't been "around" for you.... my prayers and my thoughts are with you.

Walk through the walls....

2008-11-15T18:37:00.006-05:00

Music speaks to my soul and moves my heart, my spirit, my mind and my body.

Music has been known to affect my mood, my beliefs and even my habits.

Music is God's gift to me.. and my gift back to Him as well.

I just received Jonathan David Helser's newest CD.. Walk Through The Walls... and I'm worshiping God with every breath I take as a result.

His songs, and the way he worships brings me to a higher level of understanding God, and understanding how God enters the room as a result of worship.

Here's the lyrics to the 1st song on the new CD... it's so fitting for my life right now...(play it below)

It seems like all I can see, are enemies surrounding me
It seems like all I can feel, are lies you're not real
I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the one
Who made the earth and heavens

I believe You're more real, than what my eyes can see
I believe these hills are full, of a mighty angel army

God of the Angel Armies, you're mighty to save
God of the Angel Armies, you're worthy of our praise
God of the Angel Armies, you fight for us
God of the Angel Armies, you come down....
when praises go up

Finally I'm starting to see, things are not as they seem
Nothing can come between, your mighty love for me
No ear has heard, No eye has ever seen
What you have planned for those
you set your love upon

I believe you're greater than, I could ever dream
I believe you're coming again, with a mighty angel army.....

chorus...

And then the rest of the song is just Jonathan's heart singing to the Lord... and I sing right along with him...

Praises go up and You come down
and you walk through the walls

You come down at the sound, of my praise

You come.. You come..
wave after wave

I gotta worship, this is what I was made for... I gotta shout!

This is what I was made to do, is worship you Lord

all those angels, I wanna waste my life with the angels
Pourin' out praise...

I don't care what the world might say,
I believe.
that you're more real.. than what my eyes.. they can see..

If you're soul is searching for a deeper connection to God than you can find sitting in a pew on Sunday morning... I beg of you to listen to Jonathan's CD's... everyone of them... for it's true that Jesus Walks Through the Walls... at the sound of worship.... and no... I'm not a "sales person" for Jonathan... :) But I don't mind encouraging you to find Jesus!

Fat

2008-11-05T10:20:00.004-05:00

Fat is one of the ugliest words in my vocabulary. I hate the word and I hate the way it looks on my body. I'm disgusted by fat now more than ever.

But there's more to "fat" than I ever thought. Did you know it's mentioned 95 times in the Bible?

I noticed today that there are quite a few occasions where the scriptures use the word fat in the same sentence as "around the inner parts" or "covers the inner parts".

It dawned on me this morning.... there's more to this phrase than "location on an animal". Fat is almost always used to cover up something else. Fat has a purpose. Fat comforts, and fat protects... and mostly fat COVERs.

God doesn't find fat disgusting or ugly.. and he doesn't hate it the way I do.

Leviticus 3: 16 "All the fat is the Lord's"

Over and over again in the old testament, it can be found that "the aroma of the offering of fat is pleasing to the Lord". (paraphrase Lev. 17:6)

So... can I apply this to my own life? No, I am not going to go literal on you all here and suggest that it's time to cut the fat and burn it for the Lord... don't worry. Actually, what I am doing is much more difficult and an even greater sacrifice on my part.

It's time to offer my "inner most coverings" to the Lord spiritually. It's time to remove my emotional fat and let Him burn it to his pleasure. I can not hold onto it and keep it for myself.

My "inner parts" are painful to look at. But, I trust that my Savior will be the one to cover me when I need covering... He will rejoice at my offering and be pleased. And I can be pleased to look at me too. I can then see what he see's.. a great and pleasing offering. A sacrifice that is worth more than money. He knows that my "fat coverings" are there for a reason, and He knows that I went through much and therefore needed much coverings... and He will rejoice to see that I have finally granted him permission to be my only covering. My inner parts are wholly His. I offer my fat to Him, and rejoice in no longer needing it.

Teaching Lessons to.....myself?

2008-09-15T14:37:00.001-04:00

Vocabulary has entered the realm of my home in a much bigger way this year!

All week long my 6th grade daughter has moaned and griped and complained about her vocabulary homework. Sentences, antonyms, synonyms, parts of speech.. the whole 9 yards. She became confident in her knowledge of the definitions of words like besieged, dispatched, libel, gainful, forsake, recede, repast, irk, inept, ingenious...she was "ready" for the test on Friday. But she rolled her eyes at all the amounts of homework over the week, sure that it was all unnecessary since she already knew what the words "meant".

and the Lord works in mysterious ways....

Then, Thursday night, she got hurt, sliced a few layers of skin from her knee in a bicycle accident, and was unable to attend school on Friday. (open wound scenario not a good mix with a school with unknown bacteria floating around!!) I spoke with her teacher and she assured me she would allow her to take the vocabulary test on Monday. Well, then we get word from my daughters friends over the weekend that this test was not like any other vocabulary test they've ever had! This test was all about finding antonyms, synonyms, parts of speech!!! There was NO "matching words to definitions" like they all expected.

As I tried to explain to my daughter that perhaps her teacher was trying to prepare her for this exact test all week long. Perhaps her teacher was actually helping her out by assigning all that "unnecessary homework". Perhaps her teacher knew what was coming all along.

And a light bulb went off in my head as the words were still moistening my lips.

How often do I question and complain about the various trials in my own life? How often do I think "this is ridiculous.. why on earth is this happening? And forget that I have a VERY WISE and LOVING Father in heaven who KNOWS what's up ahead for me, and what lessons I need to learn before reaching that future?

How can I can encourage my daughter to trust her teacher, and then fail at trusting the Lord with being my teacher?

I saw how my daughter believed she "knew enough" and believed that she was "good enough".

And I see how we do the same with our own lives. And I'm humbled and repentant. I don't know better than Him... just as my daughter doesn't know better than her teacher. I don't know enough to get by or have the right answers for future tests until I've completed each task the Father assigns me today.

Using the vocabulary words we studied this weekend,,

I am totally inept, and will forsake my own understanding and expressly denounce my misgivings. I will look towards the ingenious and immensely all knowing God with complete trust that his purposes for me are gainful in the long run.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

Stones underfoot...

2008-09-11T14:00:00.005-04:00

I have always been a barefoot girl. I used to boast about how my feet could handle the hottest concrete or the roughest rocks. I still find myself driving away from home before I realize I don't have any shoes with me. My earliest actual memory is of burning my feet on the hot cracked blacktop in San Fransisco when I was only 1. My mother is the same as me, and tells tales of her attempts at going to school barefoot by painting a "flip flop" top onto her foot! My daughter is following in my footsteps (literally) and we have had to eat on the patio of many a restaurant after arriving and realizing she had no shoes!

Why am I telling you this? Well, I think I have an analogy, a story, a "parable" to tell you about this very thing.

There once as a girl who walked in Israel with Jesus. She would often watch him from afar walking with his disciples, and she heard many stories about him. She heard him preaching in the temple, and on the mountain... but could never find a way to be alone with him. One day, while walking alone on the hillside, she came upon this Jesus sitting patiently on a large rock. He was waiting for her! As she nears him, he gets up and begins to walk along the path.
His clothes are plain and worn, and his feet are bare. He walks through the small white stones on the path just like an ordinary person. She had imagined from the stories she heard, that he might float above the road or glide along like an angel... but was surprised to see him carefully hopping through the stones on the road, trying to balance himself lightly to avoid the sharpest rocks.
She catches up to him and he says,

"These rocks hurt a little don't they? They have sharp unpredictable points".

He picks one up and shows it to her and begins to describe the many uses for stones just as these.

"Rocks like these have been used to stone and punish. They've also been piled together as an altar. They've been heated in the fire to soothe sore muscles. Others have rolled down the hill and broken into smaller pieces, and still others have landed amongst the grassy field where an unsuspecting child might step on it unknowingly. Stones have been collected, and treasured, and skipped on lakes. Others are ground up and used to build buildings. They have so many purposes, so many uses, and can be viewed in many different ways."

He then cast the rock aside and pointed at her feet.

"You have stones beneath your feet, are you just going to walk and cringe at the pain they cause, or stop and pick them out of your skin and find out what kind they are?"

They then sit together on the hill and she looks down at her own dusty, dirty feet. She removes a small white stone from her heel so that she can walk with Jesus at a quicker and easier, more confident pace.

Then she asked him "Lord, what kind of stone did I have in my foot?"

And he answered,

"That particular stone in your heel was once a piece of a boulder that crashed down the mountainside. It was then picked up in the clutches of a bird and placed directly in your path years ago. When you walked upon it, it wedged itself deep inside.... and you ignored the pain it caused. You kept walking on it, and pushing it further and further inside. "

She then pulled the rock from her pocket where she had considered keeping it, and gave it to Jesus. He smiled and took the rock from her hand and said,

"Thank-you for trusting me with your rock. It was not your rock to carry and you have been bearing it for no reason. You are brave to give it to me, for only I can turn this rock into one that won't hurt others in the future. "

I too, have been walking on stones that hurt. I too, have ignored the pain and stuffed it down deep. I too, have often wondered if the "stones in my path" were supposed to toughen me up or make me stronger. And I too, have now begun to allow Jesus to take the stones from my feet. And I will trust him now to heal the wounds and scars that were left behind.

What kind of stones do you have underfoot?

Status update.... and new blog announcement

2008-09-04T07:36:00.005-04:00

Since most of my readers at this blog are expecting posts more about my journey of the heart and not necessarily about my new found experiment on saving money, I've decided to start a new blog dedicated to that purpose. Please visit me at www.farmorethandiamonds.wordpress.com if you are interested in tips on saving money and other topics that center on my attempts at learning to be more like the Proverbs 31 wife.

I will still be using this blog as well, for deeper matters of the heart and I apologize to my readers for letting so much time pass by between posts. I admit to still struggling with both my weight and my self esteem issues... and to be honest, I think I really just needed an "online" break from focusing on those issues.

I am still 100% behind the cause AGAINST Kimkins, and occasionally check in on the status of things.... but that is another issue I really needed to step away from for awhile. I still do my part when called to, but it wasn't healthy for me to let it consume my energies the way it did last year. It's out of my hands and out of my control... and all I can do now is trust the Lord to keep spinning the wheels of justice and pray that He will continue to protect the innocent from being hurt by Heidi Diaz.

For those that are wondering....
my weight seems to have stabalized... around 40 pounds up from my lowest on Kimkins. :( I'm not happy with the weight I'm at... but I'm happy to have finally stopped gaining. I've come to accept the fact that my body HAD to recover from the damage the Kimkins diet did to my system... and I've also had to trust that the Lord will help me get healthy again in the future. I'm not sure that I will return to a lowcarb type of diet or not... because the rebound gain has been so difficult and seems to be so common... I don't think I could go through that again. My nutritionist has me on a pre-diabetic plan that is moderate carb, moderate to low fat, and plenty of protein and nonstarchy veggies. The key for me seems to be exercise, and hopefully I will soon be able to actually commit to doing just that.
(I fell HARD for the Kimkins lie that exercise wasn't necessary... and I'm still paying for that one a year and a half later!)
I'm no longer having heart palpitations, and about 40% of the hair I lost grew back. My metabolism is still a wreck... (hence the 40 pound gain while eating less than 1500 calories a day for the past year) but I have confidence that the "reset" my body required is almost over.

I miss the contact and friendships I made within the online communities during the kimkins saga... but found that staying in the daily lowcarb world kept me from moving on emotionally. I'm still here though.. and still me. :) I'd love to hear from you all again if you're still reading.

I'll be back soon to post more frequently along the lines of this blog's slogan.... for I am still committed to waiting on the Lord to comfort us and crown us in beauty.

Taking lessons from Joseph before it’s too late

2008-08-05T17:29:00.010-04:00

I love the story of Joseph in the Bible. Reading about how he prepared in advance for when times were to be more difficult has encouraged me to do the same. The difficult times financially are already starting in today’s economy, and I want to do my best at being wise with my money and with making sure my family is provided for.

Well, I’ve been “grocery gaming” for a little over a month now. I’ve learned to stockpile my foods to lower my grocery bill. I utilize coupons and sales together and get lots of stuff for way cheap… sometimes free.

This week I had fun at both CVS and Publix.

At CVS I used the Covergirl Buy One Get One Free (BOGO) coupons in the paper in conjunction with the Buy One Get One Free sale at CVS to get 2 bottles of foundation, and 2 pressed powders… all totally free!!! I also got some other stuff, and combined with coupons, sales, and Extra Care Bucks back.. I only spent $6 and I brought home 2 bottles of Tide w/ Bleach, 2 bottles of Dawn dish soap, 2 things of toothpaste, 2 packs of gum and the makeup I mentioned earlier.

Then, today at Publix I was ready to really stock up on some breakfast items. Here’s a picture of what I got for under $30:

16 poptart boxes- on sale 2.19 BOGO used $1/2 coupon (I had 8 coupons) found in the paper this past Sunday- total Out of Pocket (OOP)= $9.52 (works out to be around 60 cents a box)

These poptarts are also included in a Rebate from Kellogg’s… buy 10 get $10 back. So…. after the rebate… all 16 boxes end up free!!! (plus .48 which covers my stamp)

6 cans of ChefBoyarDee- $1.33 BOGO sale used .35/3 coupon (I had 2). Total OOP=3.29 (that’s 55 cents a can)

6 boxes of Eggo Waffles- on sale $2.19 BOGO used $1/2 coupon (I had 3) Total OOP=$3.57 (that’s 60 cents a box!)

2 Boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios- on sale $3.99 BOGO used $1 off coupon for EACH box even though one of the boxes was free! Total OOP= $1.99 (which is 99cents a box!)

2 boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal- on sale $3.99 BOGO used .55 of coupon for EACH box.. again, even though one of the boxes was free. Total OOP= $2.89 (which is $1.44 a box, which is good for this brand.. coupons are harder to find for this kind)

After I finished out my shopping for other needed items this week, my total rang up as $29.15 after tax. My savings is marked as $58.58 That’s a 67% savings and I won’t need to buy any breakfast items for months!!! J

I’ve decided not to pay the monthly fee at grocerygame.com, because once I got the hang of how to spot these deals it’s really pretty easy. I must give credit to the numerous blogs out there that I have discovered that post their savings similar to the way I’ve just done…. I learn from them and even “copy” some of their deals. J And thanks to my best friend.. you know who you are… for mentioning the grocerygame idea in the first place!

Check out these links if you’re interested in bringing your grocery bill down.

http://frugonomics101.blogspot.com/

http://www.moneysavingmom.com/money_saving_mom/

http://thecentsiblesawyer.blogspot.com/

http://www.couponsavingfamily.com/

Click around at the other blogs and savings sites that they recommend too..

Oh.. and by the way.. hot tip for tomorrow… Walgreens has a special Wed. only sale for FREE film developing! Check out their ad here: http://www.walgreens.com/hotbuys/default.jsp?ec=hn574_getcoupon

print out the coupon and finally develop those rolls or disposable cameras that have been shoved in your junk drawer for so long!

Growing in Prayer….

2008-06-11T22:33:00.003-04:00

In the past few years, my prayer life has grown in ways that are hard to explain. I used to think that prayer was what you did when things were either going bad, or you wanted to "make a deal" with God and bargain for a better life. I used to think that prayer was kind of like a mixture of an obligation and a wish list.

And I was bored with praying, and didn't really believe that it was working.

My Dad and stepmom Maritza introduced me to a book called How to Hear God's Voice by Mark Virkler, and I was thrilled to learn that praying isn't just a one way street. Praying goes both ways... and it is the way to really KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with Christ is RELATIONAL!

I don't know how to explain everything that Mark Virkler explains in his book, but I recommend it highly… and I recommend it to be read with an open mind, and with the Bible by your side to "test it" so that you will not give into the fears that the enemy will plant in your mind that this type of praying might be "new agey".

I know that I often don't share with people about my "relationship" with God because they might think I'm weird or crazy or making it up… but my relationship is more than just words. My relationship with God also involves seeing Him in my mind, and hearing what He has to say and seeing what He wants to show me.

Fear of what others think is what often keeps me from my "quiet times", and it most definitely keeps me from sharing what I've learned in my "quiet times".

Fear comes from Satan…. NOT GOD. So, today I want to turn my back on that fear, and plunge ahead boldly by posting what I experienced in my quiet time this morning.

From my prayer journal this morning:

Jesus- take me away to where I can see you and love you and worship at your feet. I want to dance with you and rest with you and learn from you…

(Behind my closed eyes, I picture myself in a beautiful garden, near a creek in the woods where I often "sit with Jesus"… this is where I "go" to "BE STILL" so I can hear in my soul what the Lord wants to tell me.)

My field of flowers has turned into a field of golden wheat. Fully grown, fully mature, blowing casually, beautifully in the wind. Jesus walks through the field of wheat. It goes on as far as the eye can see. He stops in the middle and bends down to pick up one particular piece. He rubs his hands through it and shows it to me and tells me to touch it. It is soft and smooth and yet the edge is sharp like a razor. We grab hold of it together and pull it out.

Where the root should be is instead a white bulb- almost cocoon like- silky, yet like glass. I can't tell what's inside, but I just know it's going to be wonderful!

I start to wonder about all the other pieces of wheat. I want to run around pulling them all up!

But Jesus is still. He's taking his time with just this one. So, I wait with him.

Now we sit together- all I can see is wheat and sky, and my sweet friend and teacher holding out the "wheat bulb" that we pulled. He breathes on it and I can feel the warmth of his breath relax me. The bulb begins to clear.

"What is it Lord? What's inside of it? I'm not worthy to see what you are about to reveal to me"

He breathes on it again and the wind around us moves with him. I start to realize that the wind always came with his breaths.

He takes my hands and helps me hold the "wheat bulb". It's getting warm and clearer and there is a sparkle in Jesus' eye. The bulb begins to shine and as I look deeper into it and continue to feel the breath of Jesus I begin to see that I am what's inside.

I am so beautiful and confident and powerful inside this "wheat bulb". I know that I was created by my Savior and lovingly handpicked, chosen and warmed personally by Him. He patiently worked on me, and my face (inside the "wheat bulb") shines- I look at Jesus, and his face shines- I touch my own face standing there in the wheat and it feels like shiny, golden silk. It's tingling and warm and I feel like a burst of fireworks!!!!

( I continue in prayer…. )Thank-you Jesus! Thank-you for this vision. Thank-you for loving me, and sharing with me and waiting patiently for the right timing. Thank-you for handpicking me, I want to be just like you Jesus. Help me to know just which ones you are hand picking so I can share in the watching, pulling, waiting and breathing with you!

Now, for those of you that know me, you probably know that I am struggling right now with feeling "beautiful". I am struggling with believing in myself…. or rather in the fact that I am worth anything….

God knows that about me too.

But the Lord never gives up on me. He never quits pursuing me. He never stops loving me and He never leaves me for my lack of faith or my failure to learn the lessons He keeps setting before me. Just like in my "vision" this morning, I am always so eager to go off and get excited about what God is doing for others… I have a hard time with feeling worthy of anything He wants to do for me.

But, I think the purpose of what the Lord showed me this morning was a beautiful reminder that even in the midst of millions of people, He is big enough to come into the middle and spend time on just one person and show them His love. This morning, that was me.

Tomorrow or maybe even tonight….. I think that person is YOU!

I am “Celebrated”

2008-06-02T11:19:00.001-04:00

This post is an exciting one for me to write. This post marks a turning point in my soul, and a lesson I never thought I would ever need to learn.

Last week, my stepmother and I were talking and she shared with me a word from the Lord that was meant for me. That word was "Celebration".

She said that heaven celebrates me every day.

My first reaction was a memory of one of my birthday's a few years ago when the Lord showed me in a dream that He and the angels celebrated when I was born. I was embarrassed and shy even thinking about such a thing, but it also blessed me immensely to know without a doubt that I was a planned intentional child of God, and not just a mistake.

But, to consider the thought that God might be celebrating still today because of me was a bit over the top.

Who am I? I'm just a woman who struggles with some major emotional scars and can't even lose weight without starving myself!

This whole idea of God and heaven "celebrating" me was making me feel VERY uncomfortable! I felt guilty even entertaining the idea of it!

I instantly had flashbacks to last summer, when I had lost all my weight. I remembered for a moment how it felt to be "celebrated". I remembered how good it felt when everyone around me was noticing me and giving me "praise" for losing weight. I took pleasure in the feelings I had last summer, and I recognized those feelings as being "celebrated".

Then the guilt and shame came rushing in. Guilt and shame for NOW knowing that my weight loss was part of a horrible story of fraud, betrayal, eating disorders and abuse.

How can I possibly think its okay to feel good about anything remotely involved with a time when people "celebrated" me?

And then the Lord walked me through a memory of a time in my life, 30 years ago, when someone shamed me for feeling good. Someone monumental in my life, turned an innocent little girl's curiosity into something dirty and raunchy. His words to me were like vomit of perversion and oppression... and they stained me for life.

My stepmother prayed over me in the midst of this revelation, and then I felt Jesus pour his love over that stain and wash it clean. He began to show me that it's okay to feel good, and there is NOTHING wrong with enjoying the way he loves me. He told me that what I felt last summer from my family and friends, and even internet strangers… was only a taste of the celebration that takes place in heaven over me every day. And His celebration of me has absolutely nothing to do with my weight or my body.

This morning, after a few days of letting the possibility that this might be true begin to sink in, I decided to research just what "celebration" means. And this is where it gets exciting for me!!!

In Strong's Hebrew lexicon, celebration means much more than I thought it did.

Sometimes it means- to be clear, to shine

Sometimes it refers to touch the strings or parts of a musical instrument properly.

Sometimes it means to rest, to keep at home, or to prepare a habitation.

It is used causatively through the implied idea of beauty.

It can also mean – to rest, to be still, to put down, take away, or suffer to be lacking.

All of these pictures of "celebrate" are something I am happy to explore!

I love that the heavens are going to "be clear, and shine" for me.

I love that the heavens are going to "touch me as an instrument"

I love that the heavens are going to "prepare a home, a place of rest" for me.

I love that the heavens are going to "see beauty" in me.

I love that the heavens are going to help me "to put down, take away, and suffer well in lacking" because I know that the things I will "put down" will be things I was never meant to hold. Things like shame, and guilt, and ugliness and fear and despair!

Thank you God… for your celebration of me!

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 3

2008-05-12T17:14:00.004-04:00

Today I want to recognize a few different quotes from the book "Prince Caspian". They each take place at a time when Lucy is with Aslan, and Lucy is the only one who can see Aslan.
When she first sees Aslan again she is amazed at how much bigger he seems to her than before. He says,

"Every year you grow you will find me bigger"

I have found that to be true for every year I've "met" with the Lord. When I was younger, I thought I knew everything about Him. I thought He was amazing then.. but as I've grown older I've found that He is much bigger than I once thought. My problems get bigger... every year... and so does He.

This comment is so refreshing for me... especially at a time when I fear that my "problems" have gotten too big. I can take comfort in the fact that HE is even bigger.

Later in the chapter, Lucy is grieving the fact that she failed to follow Aslan when he first called her to follow. She let the opinions of others and guidance of her family rule out over what she knew she had been called to do. They in turn wasted the entire day going the wrong way. She comes to Aslan that night, remorseful for how she failed him and asks him the simple question of "what if I had listened... would everything have been alright?"
And Aslan wisely answers her the same way the Lord answers me...

"To know what would have happened? No, nobody is ever told that... But anyone can find out what will happen"

I have often cried out to the Lord... so sorry for following others, or following my own way, and then wondered "if I had only listened in the first place...."

Like in the Kimkins saga, "what if I had listened the first time my mom questioned the low calories when I first started the diet"? "What if I had stopped the diet the first time my stomach flip flopped while reading at LCF?"

But the Lord, just like Aslan, smiles and gently reminds me that I will never know the answers to those questions... but I CAN find out what WILL happen if I follow Him now.

So, now Lucy is ready to "find out what WILL happen", and is ready to follow Aslan regardless of whether or not her family follows her as well.
This time they do follow her, but not without grumbling and complaining and making life miserable for her, as they are still full of doubt over whether or not she truly knows where she's going.
I absolutely love the line that says...

"Lucy went first, biting her lip and trying not to say all the things
she thought of saying to Susan. But she forgot them when she fixed her eyes on Aslan"

I want to repeat that one part over again, as a reminder to myself of what's important here..

"... But she forgot them when she fixed her eyes on Aslan"

I want to remember this line, throughout my daily life. I want to be like Lucy, able to bite my lip when those around me are making life miserable. I want to be able to FORGET everything else when my eyes are fixed on the Lord.

I want to remember that just like Aslan, the Lord is calling for some of us to start walking without prior instructions!

So.. here I have 3 lessons to remember in a span of 9 pages.

1. The Lord is BIG and will only get BIGGER in my life!
2. I can find out what WILL happen by following Him instead of everyone else.
3. I can keep my eyes fixed on Him, and forget everything else.

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 2

2008-05-08T12:35:00.005-04:00

At the beginning of chapter 13 in Prince Caspian, Peter has now met Prince Caspian and is getting ready to come up with "a plan". He says,

"We don't know when He will act. In His time, no doubt, not ours. In the meantime He would like us to do what we can on our own."

He is referring in this passage to Aslan.. and it stikes a very strong message to me personally.

In my life right now, I have been stuck in a transitional place, believing that the Lord has a plan for me, but totally unsure of what that plan is. I have been highly stressed for the past 6 months or so, about big issues like ~selling my house, moving, furthering my education, and wanting desperately to help hurting people.
I have felt "stuck" while waiting on the Lord to set things in motion. I have felt lost as I truly believed He was going to provide "open doors" for us in each of those things. But.. nothing has happened.

Peter's quote is exactly the reminder I needed.

I don't know when the Lord will act... and it's quite obvious that His timing is very different from my own. (my house has been on the market for 15 months now!)

But, I haven't been giving myself an "in the meantime" assignment! I have sat still, just waiting for "Him" to act. Perhaps He would like me "to do what I can on my own".

So... I am letting go of the worries about my house, my move, my job, my education, and my "calling". I am going to take what I have now, and use it.

Instead of focusing on the "I can't do this yet" I will stand up and focus on what I can do now.

I can keep living.
I can inspire, encourage, and support those around me.
I can trust that He will act in the perfect timing.
I can battle the enemy with everything I have.
I can make plans.
I can recover if those plans fail.
I can stand beside the people that God put in my life.

Lessons from Prince Caspian Part 1

2008-05-05T16:04:00.001-04:00

I am so excited about the upcoming movie Prince Caspian from The Chronicles of Narnia. I challenged my small group of 6th grade girls to read the book before joining me at the movie and asked them to look for any ideas throughout the book that might remind them of our relationship with Christ here on earth.

I loved all the parallels that were found in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe... and I think I liked some of the Prince Caspian one's even more.

I wanted to share with you some of the ones I found... over a series of posts. Feel free to comment with your insights as well.

In my copy of Prince Caspian (Chapter 9)on page 128, Lucy is speaking to Susan after they are forced to kill the wild bear in the woods. She says,

"Wouldn't it be dreadful if someday in our own world, at home, men started going
wild inside, like animals here, and still looked like men, so that you'd never
know which were which?"

Lucy is so insightful! Sadly, I fear that her statement has become truth here "in our world" already. There are so many men and women who look just like anyone else, but inside they have gone wild and are capable of doing very harmful, scary things.

I find it very interesting that Susan had paused in her reaction to seeing the bear at first, because she was afraid it might be "a talking bear". She feared hurting/killing something that had good inside.

She was then embarrassed for not reacting quick enough.

I can draw a parallel from this simple section of the story to the whole Kimkins saga. I for one, am one of those that "didn't react quick enough". I was sure that there was "good" in Kimmer and Kimkins and if it weren't for the swift actions of those that could see her for what she was, I may have ended up more firmly in her grasp.

When Susan wonders aloud if the bear could have been a nice bear...the dwarf answers her with this,

"I saw the face and I heard the snarl. he only wanted Little Girl for his breakfast"

He was able to tell the intentions of the bear, because he had been around wild bears before and recognized the look and the sound.

We can learn from this, by realizing that we do have instincts. After we have been exposed to people who are now "wild" inside, we will be able to recognize their intentions when we hear them. We can't refuse to react in order to protect someone who might hurt us.

In the book, Aslan is not yet with the children. But the dwarf is there to help them.

Even when we aren't aware of our God's presence... we can take peace in the fact that He IS there. He might even be diguised as a dwarf!!!!

Prince Caspian Countdown!

2008-05-05T15:36:00.002-04:00

A quote that leads me to take another step...

2008-04-14T19:28:00.008-04:00

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our worst fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most. We ask ourselves the question, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?" Actually who are you not to be.You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in us, it is in everyone and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

~Nelson Mandela

I bolded one part that really made me sit up and take notice. How often have I shrunk back from being fully who I am.. for fear of rejection? How often have I minimized who I am in order to simply fit in with the crowd?

Perhaps I have allowed myself to fail over and over again.. on purpose... to minimze my strength and my power that comes from the Lord.

Not this time. This time I will be liberated from fear and I will walk proudly in the Glory that the Lord shines through my life. I will not hold back or refute the praises that my God deserves!

In the words of one of my favorite singers Jonathan David Helser,

"I will dance on the chains of my circumstance, walk on the waves of the storm, nothing is impossible for those who believe God is Love."

Wrong Thinking and Isolation

2008-04-08T09:37:00.004-04:00

I have been going to a small group at my church called Mending Hearts for almost 24 weeks now. This group is for victims of abuse, to help them heal their hurts and become aware of how our past affects our present so that we can make the necessary changes.

It has often correlated with my journey towards healthy eating, and I've also seen how my time involved with Heidi Diaz correlates with abuse.

This morning, in my readings I was struck by a few things. I don't think I can explain them any better than what is written in my workbook so I will simply post what it says. (My workbook is based on the book called The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender)

Satan loves to isolate people. Getting you alone working on your issues is
exactly where he wants you. No doubt the betrayal of trust in your story
makes
it far to easy to go it alone. But you cannot recover in
isolation. Just as people played a part in the damage done to you,
people will need to play a part in the healing process. But this time it
needs to be done with safe people you can trust. Together, you provide a
sanctuary for recovery and are a formidable force in advancing the purposes
of God's Kingdom. Because of this you will experience intense resistance
from the enemy anytime you attempt to band together to take back territory
that does not belong to him.

Doesn't this sound familiar???? How often have we heard stories of Heidi working overtime in an attempt to isolate us from each other? How often do we see her attempting to "divide and conquer"? Even from inside Kimkins, she used isolation as her first weapon. But we, who can see this happening, are doing what ever it takes to expose her for what she is and set others free from the bondage they are blindly allowing to control them. (more from my book:)

Praise God, the evil one has overplayed his hand. His tactics are being
exposed by the Light. We have seen his plan and we believe God is in the
business of righting the wrong. You are in the process of being set free as you
speak out, expose evil and give opportunity for others to come out of the
darkness into light.

Heidi- I am not saying you are "the evil one". I am simply calling you out on being USED by Him to hurt and hinder others. I know that you are just one of his pawns, and I will not sit idly by and let you play a part in his game without shining light on you. You are in the spotlight Heidi Diaz, and you are on the wrong stage!!!

Now... as I read on in my workbook I was really impressed by a letter written by Victor Matthews to "All who suffer from wrong thinking". His letter speaks to all of us who simply struggle with our weight. I believe we struggle for deeper reasons than carb and calorie counts. Here is his letter. I hope it resonates within you as much as it has for me. He speaks to believers...(if you are not a believer, and wish to become one after reading this, please feel free to contact me)

I am writing this letter to you because I want you to be free from the error
you have accepted about yourself. I know from experience how painful it is to
live that way, how self-defeating it is, how weak we are as we struggle to live
the way we know we should, and how unfulfilled and lonely a life it is.
For some time, I wanted to give you some suggestions regarding your inner
evaluation of yourself. As we talk together, I continually gain the impression
that you have a tendency not to accept fully what God says about you. When we do
that, and I'm not only talking now from the viewpoint of the Bible, but my own
sad experience- we grieve the Holy Spirit of Truth and develop a way of thinking
that will produce failure in some important areas of life. When we accept error
about ourselves, we then develop a concept of self that we cannot but fail to
produce by how we live. It is an inexorable principle: what we believe about ourselves is like a prophecy that we are destined to fulfill!
While I am not completely out of the woods yet, I know the way out. I wish I
could say it is quick and easy, but it is not. When we have accepted error about
ourselves, that acceptance develops into habitual way of looking at ourselves
and then a habitual way of living. Error is so powerful it eventually causes us
to interpret almost everything in its light- instead of in the light of truth!
The result is a form of slavery of the cruelest type.
Our only hope of deliverance is found in the One Who is the Truth- because of
the Fall, our depravity, the continual pressure of the world system, and in
particular, the subtle work of Satan- the Truth is more powerful because it is
of God and it is His promise to work with us and to lead us into the knowledge
and practice of His truth and its freedom.
However, there is no hope of deliverance if we continue to believe error and
to practice it in how we think about ourselves and then in how we live.
I cannot escape the conviction that you have been taught error about
yourself over a long period of time. And I believe the ultimate source of that
teaching is none other than the father of lies (John 8:44) who seeks to deceive
and therefore accuse you (Revelation 12:9-10) so you will not believe the truth
and escape from his slavery. He enjoys our pain and the agony his error
produces.
Where we have to begin is where God starts with us- the new birth. It is
vitally important to understand what happened to us then. A good passage to
consider is found in 1 Corinthians 6: 9-11. "Do you not know that the wicked
will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually
immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual
offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers
will inherit the Kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were
washed, you were sanctified, you were justified (declared righteous) in the name
of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. "
These verses tell us that every believer has had a radical and revolutionary inner
spiritual transformation. No matter how sinful we were before the new birth- we
are now washed, sanctified and justified and therefore the inheritors of the
kingdom of God. We may not feel that we are- or think that we are- and we may not live that way (due to acts of failure) but that is what we are by the grace of God in the new birth.
It is at this point that the error you have received with its resultant
deception will put pressure upon you, and perhaps even cause the enemy to work
on you! You will have a tendency to dilute the truth of the former passage by
appealing to your thoughts and feelings about yourself or to some area of your
life where you have failed or are now failing. Such thoughts, feelings, and
failures do not mean we are not born again nor do they mean we are not washed,
sanctified, and justified. In fact, God has warned us that we will have such
problems while this side of heaven. He has clearly stated, "If we say that we
have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us... If we say that
we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us (I John 1:
8,10)
It has helped me to realize that we seem to have two levels of thinking going
on at the same time. The first level would be that thinking that you are using as
you are reading these lines. The second level is how you are evaluating, mostly
in a negative way, what you are reading. You may be saying to yourself, "Why did
he say that?" or "I wish that could be true about me, " or even worse you may be
thinking, "I don't think there is a way out" (It may help you to read the book
by David Burns, Feeling Good, or one by Aaron Beck called Cognitive Therapy)
So please monitor your thinking and learn to "catch yourself" doing negative
thinking. Most of the time that second level of thinking - that we are barely
aware of- will be negative and will weaken and even ruin the truth that you are
trying to accept and practice.
To reject error we must identify it by evaluating it from the perspective of the Bible and then correct it. The pattern has been given to us by the Lord Jesus in His
temptation. When the tempter, deceiver, accuser and liar said to him, "if you
are the son of God, make these stones turn into bread" what the Savior did was
what we must do. He refused to accept the thought (error). He did not even say
to Himself, "I wonder if I'm the Son of God?" or "If I'm the Son of God why am I
hungry when my Father has promised to supply my need?" or "Maybe I ought to turn those stones into bread and then I'll know for sure I'm the Son of God," or "How
is it possible I"m the Son of God, for the Devil to talk to me?" or "What's
wrong with me, here I am 30 years old and have no following yet?" The Lord Jesus
rejected and corrected the error by and with the truth. He said, "Man shall not
live by bread alone but by every word that proceeded out of the mouth of God. "
It is this painful process of correcting your thinking about yourself that I am recommending to you. The enemy has a very subtle way of teaching us and backing up his teaching by pointing out our failures as well as causing
emotional and even physical support for his work.
Allow me to share a list of a few things that God states about you:
- You are holy and without blame before God- Eph. 1:4
- You have been chosen by God for adoption- Eph 1: 5
- You have been completely forgiven by God- Eph. 1: 7
- You have been sealed with and by the Holy Spirit- Eph. 1: 13
- You are God's inheritance- valuable to Him- Eph. 1: 18
When one is accustomed to negative thinking, one will read the above
statements and immediately weaken them on the basis of some question, some
emotions, or in the light of some past or present failure. A common question
would be, "If that is true, then why...?"
You are a believer; you have been spiritually cleansed- washed- purified, you
are holy and pure; you have been adopted by God; He loves you and likes you: you
are the temple of the Holy Spirit; you have in your life the power of the
Crucifixion, Resurrection, Ascension and the Day of Pentecost; you have been
given gifts and invited to enter in and to participate in the greatest plan ever
devised- to live for the glory of the Lord Jesus; and the list goes on and on.
You must learn to struggle and to live in harmony with what and who you really
are.
Please see your negative thinking about yourself as the sin that it really
is. Ask God to forgive and cleanse you. Surrender yourself to Him and ask Him to
teach you how to accept and live out the truth.

Can you apply any of this to how you feel about yourself, to why you feel compelled to constantly diet, to why you get so miserable when you "fail"? Can you take the risk of denying the lies that you believe about yourself and grasp hold of the truth of God's love for you? Perhaps being made aware of our "wrong thinking" we can then follow Christ's example and correct those errors with truth. The truth is that we are beautiful creations of God, the truth is we don't need Kimmer's approval or support, and the truth is, we don't need to deny ourselves food any more than we don't need to overindulge on junk food.

I honestly believe that recognizing evil for evil and good for good is the only way to go. I now see where Satan has lied to me in my own head... and through the control of others.

Not everyone knows the truth yet....

2008-04-07T09:56:00.017-04:00

While I was on spring break many of you know that an Insider Exclusive Report came out explaining and updating information on the lawsuit against Kimkins and Heidi Diaz. It is the most comprehensive news program I've seen done so far. You can watch it here:

But, also while I was on spring break I got in touch with an old friend from Kimkins and discovered something to be true that I have wondered about for awhile. She didn't know about the extent of the fraud or the psychological games that have been discussed so much in our blogs and on LCF, ALC, and many other message boards. I think those of us that keep up to date on things, sometime forget that there is a LARGE population of people who DON'T read these blogs or these other message boards. They ONLY read what goes on inside their challenges or journals. They may have "heard" about the controversy, and seen Heidi's "apology"... but they don't know that her apology was still full of lies, and they simply think she already made up for her "little mistake"... because that's how she makes it seem.

I realized after talking with my friend, that perhaps I have not yet done enough to get the word out about "the whole truth". And I intend to do my own "summary" of eye opening things here today. And with this post, I hope to remind all of those who are already "in the know" that communication and compassion for those left behind is much more important than protecting our own hearts from possible rejection or acting as if anyone still there is just niave or hopeless.

So, the truths I want to point out today are:

1. Heidi Diaz NEVER lost weight using her program or any program. There are NO photos of her smaller than she is now.

2. Heidi Diaz committed fraud when she STOLE multiple photos off the internet to use as "before's and after's" on her testimonial pages.

3. Heidi Diaz wrote fake and false testimonials about her diet.. and even gave herself "praises" in the midst of them.

4. Christin and I were some of her first REAL "success stories", which means we were actually her test subjects.. who did her plan under her directions without knowing that a)she hadn't done it or maintained it b)all the other "success stories" were faked c)the plan was nutritionally deficient d)there was no way to maintain the losses without resorting to continued anorexia.

5. Heidi Diaz is not only a pathological liar, she is also similar to a narcissistic psychotic abuser. (Google it to see the characteristics!)

6. Heidi Diaz often pits people against each other by talking sweetly to you and then telling you "secrets" about others to make them look bad. She loves the Us vs. Them mentality. She is a master at boosting your ego and then making you feel superior to others, hoping that it will keep you separated from others enough to prevent you from learning the truth. She used to have Becky (littlebit) as her confidant. And she had Christin as her confidant. She would lie to each of them about the other, but always sounded so believable and so sweet and you wouldn't realize what was happening until it was too late. After we left, she took Jeannie (tippytoes) as her new best friend. She told Jeannie that Christin and I were the enemy. She told Jeannie that Christin and I were the ones who were lying, and even had Jeannie convinced that we were mean and might hurt her while in NY. She planted fear of us, in hopes that Jeannie would stay away from us, because she knew that once we got together she would then know who was lying and who was not. Jeannie told me that as soon as she sat next to me on that stage on the Morning Show... she saw me smile at her and knew in her heart that Heidi was the liar, and I wasn't capable of being the monster Heidi made me out to be. AFter Jeannie discovered the truth and left, Heidi took on Amyb as her knew best friend. Read Amyb's revelation of the truth between her and Heidi. It shows how twisted and sick Heidi can really be. The list still continues on and on.. but I'm not at liberty to go on with more names at this time.

7. Heidi often uses fake names around on other boards (and inside Kimkins). Becky has proof of the ones inside Kimkins. Others have proof of the ones found around the web. Heidi even uses some of those "fake" personas to purposely hurt people. She created a blog at one point last year to spew ugly lies about me and Christin. She stole our photographs from our trip in NY and put them up with stories about us being lesbians. (Totally false!!!) She likes to try to hurt us emotionally when she realizes how far out of her grasp we now are. To be honest.. I laughed when I saw the blog... because it was so far fetched and such an obvious attempt to distract and hurt us. I have received emails, PM's, and blog comments from her under various names and even without silly disguises that are sick little jabs at my soul. She loves to pick at my faith, and attempt to either use it against me, or persecute me for it. She knows what hurts me from reading my journals and blog posts and uses that knowledge on purpose just to get at me. (But, it doesn't work anymore, because I see her for what she really is now)

8. Heidi Diaz is NOT a foster parent. She still talks about her "kids" and court dates etc... and they are all LIES. She does NOT have foster kids.. she is NOT a CASA... this is all in her mind... and when you read her posts about them even today, you are being fooled. She had her foster kids taken away from her 5 years ago because she LET them drink alcohol underage. Don't fall for this one! It's just more proof at how she is NOT the person you think she is.

9. The plan as written is nutritionally deficient and has caused her "test subjects" (me and Christin and many others) many health problems. These health problems did NOT SHOW UP in obvious ways until we had been on the plan for many months. Dizzy spells, vertigo, hair loss (in large quantites, not just a brush full), heart palpitations, low pulse rates, metabolism problems, feeling cold all the time, insomnia, exhaustion, BM problems, menstrual cycle disruptions and irregularities. Some of these symptoms did show up early on, but they are nonchalantly dismissed as "normal" while on the plan.

10. Anorexia is developed while eating the Kimkins plan. This is not something anyone ever wants to actually admit. But it's true. You don't have to be under 100 lbs to be an anorexic. Anorexia is a psychological disorder. Dr. Melissa Conrad Stoppler wrote:

Anorexia is a condition that goes beyond out-of-control dieting. A person with anorexia initially begins dieting to lose weight. Over time, the weight loss becomes a sign of mastery and control. The drive to become thinner is actually secondary to concerns about control and/or fears relating to one's body. The individual continues the endless cycle of restrictive eating often to a point close to starvation in order to feel a sense of control over the body. This cycle becomes an obsession and is similar to any type of drug or substance addiction

Many times we do not "diagnose" someone as anorexic until they are way below the healthy weight range. But, at this point, it is already too late to deal with it without medical intervention. Reading the signs and symptoms of anorexia you will find that many of the kimkins dieters display most of these signs. Don't discount the possiblility that you might be an anorexic just because you are still overweight. Others signs include: irritablity, easily upset, easily defensive, disrupted sleep patterns, daytime fatigue, a decrease in attention and concentration, obsessive thinking about food and or calories/carb counts, anxiety disorders, overly compliant, compuliveness, depression, slow heart rate, low blood pressure, irregular heart patterns, constipation, menstural cycle disturbance, hormonal imbalances, loss of bone density, potasium defincency, eloctrolyte imbalances, anemia, dry skin, brittle nails, loss of hair.... do any of these sound familiar???? They did to me, and I never even got to goal.

11. Maintenance isn't something Heidi can promise you. She often told me things like "you can have those potatoes again someday... it's only temporary!". And that gave me hope that I wouldn't always have to eat so little. But, I'm here to tell you all honestly that after doing Kimkins... I have gained half of my weight back. I regained about 20 pounds while still dieting... 1200 calories a day approx. 30 carbs a day. I then gave up and stopped counting things and have put on another 10. The Kimkins diet has ruined my chances of ever maintaining a loss or losing again anytime soon. My body is so deeply injured by the starvation mode (you know the thing Heidi told us doesn't exist??) that I no longer have any hopes of getting off the yo-yo diet train. That is one thing that really hurts. Heidi was really good at giving me hope that I could lose the weight and keep it off (just like her!) but it was all lies. Don't be fooled by her lies, this diet is setting you up for regain moreso than any other diet you've ever been on. The longer you are on it... the more painful the regain will be. The longer you are on it, the stronger the fear hold on you will be, and the more likely you will be to fully develop anorexia.

These are just some of the things I told my friend about just last week. I really thought she knew about them all, because I've been faced with all this since last August. And as painful and as shocking as it was for me to discover back then, she experienced the same pain and disbelief just now. The pain is still fresh for her and will be for many others as well. I am so glad that she now knows the truth and has left kimkins, but my heart aches that she had to learn of it in the first place. I cannot give up in the fight against kimkins.

I have a list of old KK screennames, people that once posted in my journals. I am now calling out to all of you, perhaps you too have been unaware of the truth. Please comment and let me know how you are doing, and whether or not this post comes as news to you or not. I know some of you have already left... but I haven't heard from you in awhile, so I've added your names too. :)

Do you know the truth yet? how are you?
Freetoshake, kickingbutt, 2true, cdgreg1, Auchem Hottie, cynful, msdeevee, sochic83, Alli-Cat, LessofMe, Ready2lose, LWWillLose, Vanillasky, Juliawilllose, bubbles4u, starrburst26, suzy, tresninas, saf72, krhudson1, lilthorner, shezza, ddbythesea, swatkins, LACali21, shawwife, nikki_d, bec913, lameke, oceans, jenabug, nomorefattness, baileyjadip, tinkerbell68, hilary244, shan, odette, pottsy29, ebanks, musicjen, binnyblack, msdee56, emilykate, odirish, kristyleeb123, beyondthesea7, shiphips, Momof8wifeof1, Sher, Songbird, Krysti
Please comment!

ETA: If you are afraid to comment for fear of Kimmer retaliation, feel free to email me! deni@memoriescaptured.com I've already heard from one of you this way! I really appreciate hearing from you, and completely understand the situation and fear that comes from inside. It's really just more proof to me at how messed up this whole thing is. If you're afraid Heidi will ban you for commenting here, or harrass you for having read this blog... please think long and hard about what that truly tells you about the relationships within Kimkins!

Another song worth listening to....

2008-03-26T15:20:00.003-04:00

I told you before that it seems like everytime I turn around I meet someone or hear a song or see a video expressing how much God loves us.. AS WE ARE.... apparently it's a message that bears repeating.. over and over again. :)

Watch this awesome concert video.. take the time... you're worth it. :)

My favorite line, besides the repeating of how HE LOVES US.... is
"When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me."

Being loved and reminded of that love, is so much bigger than all my struggles. His love eclipses my pain... no wonder I've always been in awe of watching an eclipse. ;)

The Real Me

2008-03-24T21:53:00.005-04:00

I heard a song tonight that stopped me in my tracks as another beautiful representation of what I've been learning about in the past year or two.

It seems like I keep hearing more and more people coming to this realization and hearing more and more songs that express it to the world... God sees us for who we really are.

It's so wonderful to know that He created us perfectly and loves us perfectly. All this pretending and masking and hiding and covering is not necessary.

I spent the better part of 2007 trying to force my body to look as worthy as my heart.

Then I spent the rest of 2007 feeling shame and guilt for both failing at keeping my body at that standard, and at being misled along the way.

When all the while, the Lord has been loving me.. the real me... just as I am. Both fat and skinny, over eating, and starving. He knows who I am... not based on my performance or my appearance.

Listen to this song by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

[Chorus:]
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me
But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Oh,Cause you see the real me
And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

I want to be me... I want to be who I really am- and I want everyone who meets me to know the real me. I think I've grown up enough to be able to handle it if someone doesn't like the real me. Because it really doesn't matter anymore... the only opinion that matters is already formed based on full knowledge of who I am.

Psalm 139:13-16 The Message

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Thanks Jeanessa!

2008-03-20T12:03:00.004-04:00

This week I was very inspired by a wonderful woman in the fight against Kimkins. Jeanessa...
Her blog post not only inspired me, but it gave me hope and joy and a satisfaction of knowing that the world is not all bad. :)

Then this morning, in my quiet time I saw some verses that reminded me of Jeanessa.
James 3:17-18 (The Message Translation)

Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characteriszed by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy and robust community that lives right with God and enjoy results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

Has anyone ever really thought about the fact that as Christians we are called to love one another in order that we would then be recognized as followers of Jesus based on that characteristic?

Well, Jeanessa.. I just wanted you to know that I recognized Jesus in you.... and I'm so honored to call you "sister".

How do You see?

2008-03-07T15:30:00.004-05:00

I've put together a video of a song that has been continually instrumental in helping me learn to see ME the way God does instead of letting my self image be defined by things I've done or things that were done to me.
I hope it helps someone else out there too....

Self Revelation

2008-01-30T13:24:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been really looking deeper into how my eating habits effect who I am, how "who I am" effects my eating habits, and how my relationship with the Lord fits in with it all.

I had a really insightful quiettime this morning and was convicted by something about myself that I hadn't realized.

I know that this is the internet, and a public place, but I feel it's important for me to share what I've learned in order to help others who may be struggling with the same thing. These are some very intimate and personal revelations about myself... someone who I am really just getting to know.

For as long as I can remember I have always had a low self-esteem. I have always been critical of everything about myself and could never believe that anyone would really like me if they really knew me. Just as people would start to get close to me, I would start making ugly comments to myself, preparing myself for when they would see me for who I really was and leave me stranded. Somewhere along the way, I started to find a little bit of "comfort" in hating myself.
Hating myself and punishing myself (through food deprivation or throwing up or binging) was something I felt I deserved. It helped keep me locked inside, it provided a reason to hide, and it gave me an easy out to cry about when I would fail at my attempts. (i.e. messing up on my "diet" and eating junk).

My whole life has been spent in this cycle, and the actual reason and purpose for it wasn't because of my self esteem issues.... the Lord showed me this morning, it was actually because I took comfort in the feelings that self pity gave me. Self pity is nice... self pity protects me from getting hurt. (If I say it about myself, it doesn't hurt so much to hear someone else say it.)
Self pity was my way of thinking that I could punish myself... and my refusal to truly believe that someone (Jesus) had already taken that punishment upon himself.

All of this (behavior and beliefs) pushed me into a cave of lonliness that I would claim to be a miserable place.. but in all honesty... it was a place I took great care to build.
My lonliness was a comfortable, familiar place where I could crawl up and soak in the comfort of being alone. And pride lived there with me. I took pride in being alone. This lonley, prideful place was a place where I could control how much pain I felt.

But today... my heart has been opened... the Lord revealed to me that this place I've called home for so long is a filthy prison. I am sorry for believing that I could control who gets to love me. I am sorry for using self pity and self hatred as a tool to nurse my wounds when I should have been simply looking to the cross. I am sorry for taking pride in my lonliness and encouraging the cycle of sin that raged beneath the surface of my body. And with all this repentance... I feel a freedom and a "fresh air" in my soul that I am almost scared of. But it's a good fear... it's the fear one has as they embark on a journey into new territory... territory they only dared to dream about in the past.

What the heck is inner beauty anyway????

2008-01-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

Exactly 1 year and 4 days ago today, I started the Kimkins.com diet. I started it with the best of intentions, and even named my journal appropriately... "Ready to match my inner beauty".

Regardless of the hassles and dangers and craziness in the past year because of Kimkins.com the root of my journey still relies on just that... inner beauty.

While reading in my Bible the other day, I noticed that the "chapter heading" on The Message Translation in 1 Peter 3 said, "Cultivate Inner Beauty". I got my highlighter pen ready and devoured the words as if they were a krispy kreme donut!!! :)

Verses 1 thru 7 seem to be a message to wives and husbands. But, if you really read it closely you'll see an important message.
I'll post in both NIV and The Message translations:

1 Peter 3:4 NIV
Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight".

The Message
Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.

Later in vs. 6b it uses Sarah as an example.

NIV
You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

The Message
You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

While the context is that of a wife married to an non-christian man... the actual descriptions are of INNER BEAUTY.

So... according to these few verses.. inner beauty is:
being gentle, kind, having a quiet spirit (unanxious), being brave (unafraid) and not intimidated!

We can have this inner beauty because the Lord is our confidence. (Proverbs 3:25) He will keep us safe and sound.

I have never looked at being unanxious or unitimidated as qualities to describe inner beauty... and yet, here it is in plain English.

And I recognize that the anxiety I have allowed to take a foothold in my life in the aftermath of the eating disorder called Kimkins.com is hindering me from cultivating my innermost desire.

Now, lets dig even deeper. Skip over the husband stuff.. and read on in 1 Peter 3:8-9

NIV
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

The Message
Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you. No exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless- that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing.

So, more examples of inner beauty for us all:
Be in harmony with one another!! That means, not squabbling or fighting or causing meaningless arguments. Not stubborn advancement for "self"

Be sympathetic- comfort those who are hurting
Be loving, compassionate, humble.

And, here is some of what NOT to do:
No retaliation! That means, no revenge.... not even with the tongue (using sarcasm or hurtful words)

And final we get blessings when we give blessings... and to quote Psalm 34:5 we have one more mention of inner beauty:

NIV
"Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame"

I want to be radiant... not thin.
I want to cultivate inner beauty... not become worried and fixated on my outward appearance.

I now see that once again, the Word is the answer to all of my questions and I rest assured that while the Lord is my confidence, I will not fail at becoming the bride he intends me to be for Him. With a repentant heart, I can now seek that inner beauty with much more direction than I did last year.

I know where I can get some inner beauty for free!!!

He's already paid my fee, and made it possible for me to have all these qualities!!!

Everything that really matters

2007-12-30T13:00:00.000-05:00

Christmas Roses?

2007-12-14T14:15:00.000-05:00

I just have to share this story that was posted on Low Carb Discussion the other day....

I hope it moves in your heart the way it did in mine.

Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you. :)

"Good afternoon, can I help you?"

Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I . . . I need
an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Christmas ? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she
continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this
Christmas?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything
that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I
have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer,

"Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked
back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an
arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed
thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped;
there were no flowers.

"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched - was this
a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for
laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think
after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its
significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said,
as she gently tapped her chest.

Sandra stammered, "Ah, that lady just left with . . . uh . . . she left
with no flowers!"

"That's right," said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the
'Special'. I call it the Christmas Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into
the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the
clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just
lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had
gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I
had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my
life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband,
no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've
always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned
Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I
cried out, 'Why? Why me?!' It took time for me to learn that the dark
times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of
my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort!
You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and
from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had
tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost
a baby and I'm angry with God."

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life" Sandra
said to the clerk. "It's all too . . . fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that
the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential
care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a
crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent
the thorns."

"I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to
choke out. "What do I owe you?"

"Nothing! Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart! The
first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to
your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read:

"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a
thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the
glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that
I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that,
through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns.

God Bless all of you. Be thankful for all that the Lord does for you.
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the
rest to God."

My unsaid responses....

2007-11-19T09:08:00.000-05:00

Today I will take some points made by Jeannie at the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet and give the reply that I didn't have the opportunity to say on the show.

Jeannie: (in response to who is Kimmer?) Uhm…Kimmer is in fact Heidi Diaz. Uhm, none of us really knew that. You guys didn’t know it...

My response:
Yes.. we did know it was Heidi. Christin often spoke to Kimmer on the phone.. sometimes she would ask to speak with Heidi, sometimes she would ask to speak with Kimmer... she always got the same person, the same voice... no matter who she "answered" as. I emailed with Heidi Diaz as Kimmer... they were one and the same to me... I even signed my "model release form" to Heidi Diaz... so, yes.. I knew Kimmer was Heidi Diaz, so did Christin, and so did Becky. You can't tell us that we didn't know who she was. Perhaps Kimmer/Heidi Diaz was lying to you and convincing you that we didn't know for sure.. but the truth of the matter is... we did know, and that shouldn't be a surprise to you.

Jeannie:I think maybe she fell off the wagon and gained her weight back. Listen, it’s tough.

My response:
If she "fell off the wagon"... where are the pictures of her at goal? When did she gain it back? How long did she "keep it off"? I doubt very much that she ever lost the weight... there is NO PROOF that she ever lost weight.. the only proof out there is that she is overweight. When she is able to produce proof that she at one point PRIOR to now utilized the Kimkins program and lost weight, then we can give her sympathy for "gaining it back"... but for now... I only see a woman who ridicules people for eating the very things that she has never given up.

Jeannie: Did she use some poor marketing tactics? Well yes, absolutely

My response:
Poor marketing tactics??????? Theft and fraud are about the worst marketing tactics you can use!!!! How dare you try to gloss it over and make it sound like a minor mishap. She blatantly stole photos from the internet... completely fabricated stories about herself and others and based her entire business on nothing but lies. That's not "poor marketing tactics" that's fraud, that's a crime, and it's not something to just giggle about as a "whoops".

Jeannie: 800 minimum calories, 1500 maximum

My response:
I will copy and paste directly from an email from Kimmer herself. (Remember, she is the founder of this diet.. and she is the one who sets the "rules" of the diet. Not you Jeannie!)
Kimmer's words in response to questions about people who think Kimkins is proana:

Low Calories/Pro AnaWe are low calorie after ketosis kicks in or with the shake
option, but those calories are identical to post-WLS patients (500 cal a day for
months), original Optifast and Medifast (450-700 cal a day for months). I
don't think we can fight the "1200 calorie a day mentality". Some people
cannot understand that your body takes the calories it needs from body fat if
the calories you eat are too low to sustain current weight. If you need
2500 calories (250 lb person) and eat 500 (number picked for easy math), the
other 2000 are taken from body fat. In Jimmy's interview I meant what I
said about take a Weight Watcher or Jenny Craig meal and remove the
starches. What's left? Kimkins. There is no health advantage
to adding carbs or extra fat, so why is removing them (and having less calories)
dangerous? 1200 calories a day is an arbitrary number (like 8 glasses of water).
Anorexia is a psychological disorder. Do we have people with ED on
Kimkins? Of course. I weighed 318 pounds and you don't get that big
without an improper relationship with food so I have an ED. But low
calories aren't an ED, otherwise all of the WLS patients would be medically
classified anorexic.

I have seen Kimmer on NUMEROUS occasions tell people to eat less, even when they were eating less than 800 calories a day. She personally recommended to me when I started to stick to ranges between 600 and 800, and to drop to closer to 500 if I stalled. This is what Kimkins is... there is no way you can possibly stick to the "rules" of the plan and end up with more than 800 calories on a regular basis.

Jeannie: NO (in response to do you recommend laxatives)

My response:
Another direct quote from Kimmer herself:

all I'm suggesting is someone take a regular dose for 1-2 days and then a 25-50%
dose each day after.

Kimmer often told me that Milk of Magnesium was a mild laxative that we perfectly safe to take on a daily basis and that it in no way would lead to a dependency. In going back over my own journals I realized that I was dependent on MOM while I was doing the Kimkins plan as written. I worried about taking it on a daily basis, so I only took it every 3 days or so... but I could NOT go to the bathroom without it. A full dose according to the bottle was 2 to 4 tablespoons.. in the beginning I used 2, but within a month I was needing 4 tablespoons in order to "go". After I finished off my second LARGE bottle.. I started to feel "guilty" about the laxative use.. and I switched to the Smooth Move Tea that so many others were recommending (including Kimmer). I had my "tea" every other day in order to stay "regular". I could NOT "go" without it until I stopped using the Kimkins plan. This was not just me... this might be my personal example, but I honestly felt that I had it under control much more so than the others on the site. I saw people left and right suggesting to someone in a "stall"... that perhaps they should up their dose of MOM and hope for a "whoosh" the next day. (and these "stalls" that people were having were people who had lost 5 pounds in a week, and had no change on the scale for 1 or 2 days.... please note: THIS IS NOT A TRUE STALL- THIS IS YOUR BODIES CHANCE TO CATCH UP AND RECOVER FROM THE SEVERE TRAUMA IT IS EXPERIENCING DURING FAST RAPID WEIGHT LOSS!!!)

Jeannie: We’re always willing to make positive changes

My response: Jeannie, if you want to make positive changes that will really help people... I think you need to take a hard honest look at all of this. Positive changes will only be like dipping a razorblade in chocolate syrup. It might look better from the outside, and it might even taste sweet at first.. but in the end you will find that the real "core" of Kimkins is going to hurt you in the end. Jeannie, if you really care about all these women who are writing to you... please don't force them to think that there is nothing wrong with Kimkins. You know as well as I do that there is something wrong with it. And making positive changes would serve you and the overweight community better if they were made elsewhere, under a different name, and based on a different plan. You can't layer the chocolate thick enough over this razorblade... it will always have a dangerous center to it...

Jeannie: I believe it can be used safely. Do I believe that anyone should stay on five hundred calories a day to lose a hundred pounds in five months? No. In fact, ladies, I went behind you and I read your posts and as moderators I felt you set a poor example for other people. I really do
My response:
Kimkins can't be used safely. Kimkins, once ketosis sets in will never add up to more than 800 calories. The diet itself is designed for rapid weight loss... which, unfortunately isn't safe. I wanted it to be safe just as much as you all do... but it just isn't. The plan is too general.. there are no safeguards in place. Sure.. the veggie list might have some healthy vegetables in it, but it doesn't ever tell you that you need to eat more than just 2 cups of lettuce a day. All of the "up to's" on the plan were specifically worded that way because Kimmer knows that the lower the better. And I'm sorry, but 2 cups of lettuce 2x a day (your example) is not a nutritionally sound diet. There isn't much in lettuce Jeannie... and if you think that a handful of lettuce at lunch and dinner is going to provide members with enough vitamins and minerals to sustain their bodies on a daily basis... you are sadly mistaken. As far as the 500 calories a day for 5 months statement... well... that is exactly the way that Kimmer intends the Kimkins diet to be. She praised Christin for the way she worked the plan. The 500 a day for as long as you need to is exactly what Kimmer suggests, exactly what works, and exactly what gets the results that she offers to her members.
As for mine and Christin's posts as moderators... I know NOW that when I shared from my experience that I was setting an unhealthy example. But I also know that I was setting a true Kimkins example as well. I believed 110% in the plan too... and I DID the plan 110% all the time, and all of my posts were examples of Kimkins the way Kimmer intended it to be. I thought that I was eating in a healthy manner, because Kimmer told me it was okay... she told me that I had enough fat on my body to sustain me... I thought I was leading others on to success… because I had such success… but NOW I know better. Now I know that the “ranges” I gave as my examples of eating were not nutritionally sound, and my diet was a starvation diet that will lead to many negative health problems. Hmmm but… I was doing Kimkins… does that mean Jeannie, that you are admitting that Kimkins is a starvation diet? Are you sending everyone a cryptic message that my example of the Kimkins diet in 100% commitment was a poor example?????? That Kimkins itself is a poor example for other people??? Jeannie… I agree with your perception of my posts. I came forward once I realized how WRONG my beliefs about eating were… and that’s exactly why I went on this show! I am SORRY for my part in Kimkins. I am SORRY for doing this diet and encouraging others to do the same. I now want to make up for that by setting a better example for other people… and that better example… to put it simply… is NOT Kimkins.

Jeannie: But the fact that Christin didn’t tell her doctor what was going on tells me that Christin knew it was bad

My response:
EXACTLY!!! Jeannie, I do believe you’re starting to see our side of the story! Somewhere deep inside I think you just realized that Kimkins is bad!

Jeannie: I did take it on knowing

My response:
Well, if you really knew that the diet was nutritionally deficient and unhealthy and you also knew that the founder/inventor of the diet never used it herself and manipulated everyone around her for her sole benefit… then what does that tell us about your character? If you took it on because you are a caring person and you wanted to change it and save everyone from the dangers of it, then why are you still supporting Heidi? If you really want to help people… why are you sticking up for a woman who in her own sickness takes pleasure in watching people starve themselves based on her advice? If you really care about people who want to lose weight, then why do you support the business of someone who manipulates and lies to people at every turn.
Jeannie... please, be careful… I don’t think you took this on truly knowing how sick your boss is. I’m not warning you as a “hater”… I’m speaking out of concern, because I have seen with my own eyes how your boss will turn on the people closest to her at the drop of a hat and lash out against them. You are the closest one to her now, and as her “situation” gets more and more desperate, I worry that you might be in harm’s way.

Backstage- Jeannie, you told us that you would make it your personal goal to get our photos removed from the website and advertising. It’s been a week now. Both of our pictures are still in the success story rotation, and they are also being used as affiliate link banners. If you tried to get Heidi to remove them, and she refused… can you perhaps recognize that she might not be the sweet little innocent woman who tragically gained her weight back… and she might actually be the vengeful, mean spirited uncaring woman that we have come to know? And if you haven’t tried to get them removed yet… please do… we no longer “sing praises” to Kimkins… it makes no PR sense to utilize photos and stories of people who are in opposition to your program.

Another Plea to Kimkins Members

2007-11-13T11:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back from New York... and I feel like I need to blog about my experience on the Morning Show with Mike and Juliet...

First of all, I want to tell Delaney (Singinglass) that I am concerned for her. We didn't have the opportunity to really talk at all in person... just a few minutes backstage after the show... but my message to everyone who is still on Kimkins goes to Delaney as well. I know how important it is to you to lose the weight. I know how good it feels to finally see that scale moving down. I know how hearing about "the controversy" makes you feel defensive and nervous in the pit of your stomach. I was once in your exact position. I know that the "pressure" from the "opposition" is frightening... because it's scary to think that someone might take away your "only hope". I know that the tactics they use are so over the top sometimes that it makes it easy to "roll your eyes and blow them off". I also know that somewhere deep down inside you might be feeling the smallest twinge of "what if this is true?", and that as soon as you feel it.. you push it away as quickly as possible because answering that question would be admitting that you might have an eating disorder or an addiction.
It's natural to want to "quiet" any negative feelings that pop in.. especially when the Kimkins diet and support site are constantly bombaring you with "Feel Happy... This is Great.... Wow.. No Hunger.... Hooray.. Scales down again... No negativity!!!!" Heidi and everyone else at Kimkins will tell you that negativity will make you gain weight. Negativity will only hurt you in the long run. Stay positive... no matter what!!! Why? Because it's easier to "get drunk and ignore the pain" than it is to deal with your pain in the healthy way. I believe that we are given negative emotions for a reason. I believe that even feelings of guilt (what have I done to my body? how could I have told people to join??) and feelings of shame (I can't believe I listened to that conartist... I had good intentions all along, so ignoring that handfull of hair in the shower was the right thing to do) and even fear (I'll never lose the weight if I don't do it this way) are God given emotions.. and we need to face them because they are only there to help us. Ignoring these "negative" things only helps us on the road of denial. Ignoring the messages that those feelings are sending us makes us deaf to the dangers ahead, and blind to the giant STOP SIGN they are each holding.
Most of us who are overweight... have gotten that way because we turn to FOOD to quiet the negative emotions. How many of you are now completely IGNORING the negative emotions instead?

All of us who are overweight are stuck in this pattern:
Feel Bad... Eat... Feel Better... Gain weight.... feel bad... eat.... feel better... gain weight...Feel Bad etc etc

Kimkins taught us
Feel Bad.... SMILE... USE KETOSIS... lose weight... feel better... Feel bad... use ketosis DON"T EAT.. lose weight. feel better... Feel bad??? what.. no.. not ever... we don't eat....... we refuse to feel bad.

I see a problem with Both situations don't you?
Maybe we need to look more at the "feel bad" part... and realize that it's okay to feel bad. It's not something that needs to be fixed... it's simply a part of life and it has a purpose.

Maybe we need to listen to whatever the "feel bad" is trying to tell us. Food didn't shut it up for long... and losing weight will only shut it up until you run out of fat and then start to lose your hair, your muscles, your energy, your metabolism, your brain connections, your concentration, your memory, your common sense, your integrity and perhaps even your life.

Kimkins might be selling a weightloss plan that works... but I'm here to tell you that you lose much more than weight on this diet.

Stop ignoring the negative... face it, and gain the opportunity to know in your heart that you are worth so much more than a crash diet that will only set you up for either future failure... or major health problems.

Well.. I guess this post ended up being more of a message from my heart to anyone who is still on the Kimkins plan.
I will post tomorrow... the "replies" I didn't have time to give Jeannie on the show. :)

More Darkness Brought to Light

2007-10-04T09:44:00.000-04:00

Watch Part 2 of the Video

Then check out the exposure of the faked success stories found at Russian Mail Order Bride Websites!!!!!!!! http://kimkinsexposed.wordpress.com/fake-success-story-pictures/

There is no denying the fraud now.
I am literally speechless today.

A distressing yet hopeful day...

2007-10-03T08:14:00.000-04:00

This has been an extremely long month.... and it was all leading up to this point. I have no words to express exactly what I am feeling right now...

All I can say is, please, watch the video... and let the reality of all that people have been saying sink in... it's all true, and today is truly the beginning of the end.

After watching this myself.. first I felt sickened by the "no denying the truth of it"... then I immediately felt saddness and compassion for those that will be realizing the truth for the first time today. I have "seen this coming" for awhile now, and even I found it painful to watch. My message today is for the people who are facing this with the raw edges of realizing they have been betrayed. You are not alone... and there is still hope... please, don't try to deal with this alone. Seek out others who have gone thru this as well... and know that we can rise up and become stronger as people in spite of this woman's actions against us.

I leave you with a scripture that helped me just yesterday... and now I say it to you.

1 Corinthians 7: 8-12 (The Message Translation)

8-9I know I distressed you greatly with my letter. Although I felt awful at the time, I don't feel at all bad now that I see how it turned out. The letter upset you, but only for a while. Now I'm glad—not that you were upset, but that you were jarred into turning things around. You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss.
10Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.
11-13And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart. And that is what I was hoping for in the first place when I wrote the letter. My primary concern was not for the one who did the wrong or even the one wronged, but for you—that you would realize and act upon the deep, deep ties between us before God. That's what happened—and we felt just great.

There is hope in all of this...

Where was the warning label????

2007-09-24T13:54:00.000-04:00

I just got back from my first visit to the doctor since January. The nurse who checked me in, actually came and asked me if it was possible that someone recorded my weight wrong the last time I was there.
I proudly said, "No.. I really did weigh that much before"
For a moment, I was proud again of my accomplishments.. for a moment

then, she asked me, "why are you here today?"

And I had to tell her the truth... and with a downward, broken hearted glance, I had to tell her that because of that wonderful, rapid weight loss that she was just gushing over me for... I needed to have the doctor run some tests to see if I had done any damage to myself or not.

She immediately stopped gushing over my weight loss... took down some notes, and shook her head as she walked out of the room.

The doctor came in... so proud and ecstatic to see my weight loss.. knowing that he and I had discussed it many times over the past few years, and then as he listened to HOW I lost the weight (with Kimkins- low carb, low fat, and usually 600-800 calories) he said... "Well, starvation always works doesn't it... but hopefully you only lost weight and nothing else important for your body to function properly."
I had to tell him all of my symptoms.. and I had to admit them to myself first. I had truly felt all along that I was 100% healthier because of losing my weight. He and I both discussed the fact that I no longer have back pain, restless leg syndrome, insomnia, or low blood sugar "shakes" in the morning.

But.. then we also discussed the fact that I did experience some negative side effects from my NUTRITIONALLY DEFICIENT diet. And.. I was lucky.. I only had a few.. and they were not constant.. so I usually just brushed them to the side of my mind and ignored them as "oh, that's normal".
Here's my side effects:
1. extra periods (told this was normal)
2. loss of hair ... loss of about 60% of my thickness if not more. (told it was normal, and even looked it up online for myself! Saw that it said it was common in people who were dieting and skimmed over the part that said "fad diets" or nutritionally deficient diets.)
3. Lightheaded dizzy spells- never mentioned these to anyone .. they were not an everyday occurrence, and I had them sometimes prior to this diet so I easily ignored them.
4. Weird blurred vision- like my eyes would dilate at different degrees... things would get fuzzy and look far away and warped.. I would then readjust my own "focus" and a few minutes later it was back to normal. Again.. I didn't mention it.. figured it was a fluke.. it only happened a few times.
5. heart flutters- never mentioned these to anyone either. Even when they happened, I dismissed them in my mind as quickly as I could. (these are still happening randomly)

Other strange things I noticed:
6. Peanut butter CRAVINGS... like really super cravings... and I knew I wasn't the only one having this. I read post after post after post about people who were feeling guilty for giving into peanut butter or any kind of nuts. So, I wrote this off as "normal"
7. Milkshake CRAVINGS... again.. these cravings were much stronger than any craving I'd ever had before dieting. I heard lots of other people also talk about craving milkshakes, including my mom who also did the diet.

both of these "cravings" were something that I, along with many others, chalked up to a strange coincidence, and I either ignored it.. or caved in a little and then felt extremely guilty about it.
Now, I'm really wondering if there is something in the peanut butter(nuts) and milk shakes that our bodies were SCREAMING for!!! Like maybe more fat? Calcium?

I often typed in "listen to your body" over and over again in posts.. and it wasn't until late August that I started to realize that even cravings were a way that our body tells us what it needs.

Anyway... I still don't know if there's anything wrong with me or not.. my doctor has ordered lots of tests to see where I'm "depleted" of certain things, and warned me strongly that while being extremely overweight isn't good for your health, or for you heart... that sometimes losing it all super fast and not getting all the nutrients necessary for bodily functions.. is an even quicker route to heart disease.

So, now I'm wondering.. where inside Kimkins does it list "possible side effects"? Where is the "warning label", the "if these symptoms arise, get it checked out announcement" ?
With EVERY weight loss pill or plan that I've ever been on, there has been a warning list.. and a "common side effects" or even "in extreme cases side effects" list.. that I always read. I know myself.. and I just about always choose NOT to take medicines that have side effects that concern me. If I had been warned about these things, I don't think I would have joined. If I had been warned about the possibility of these things, I certainly would not have convinced others to join!

The sad part really is, is that I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one with these symptoms until I started reading OFFSITE.I hated reading those "other forums" because they made everything sound so bad. They made me feel bad, and they exaggerated things so much. But, the symptoms they mentioned sounded vaguely familiar to me. They knotted up my stomach, and made me want to either fight or run away and pretend I never heard what they said.
I saw some try to fight them....
and I resorted to my usual, curl up and ignore it technique for awhile.

If I did mention my worries to others inside Kimkins I only got pats on the back and reassurances that of course everything would be fine, and "that's normal, don't worry!"

And NOW.. it's even worse.. if you even ask about a negative effect, you're likely to be "accused" of stirring up the pot, or if you point out your negative side effects, you're likely to get banned. :(

How is that safe for other members??? Shouldn't everyone be made aware of symptoms to be on the look out for? I'm sure there are lots more negative effects that I didn't have... and from the stories I've heard elsewhere.. I can only count myself lucky.

This is not a joking matter, this is not time for a "band-aid" announcement that "of course, you should always check with your doctor". Or even comments to make those of us who "ignored symptoms" appear stupid or crazy or "extreme". This is time to get real and time to take your health seriously.

How many of you truly talked to your doctors about your plan?
Did you show him the food list?
Did you mention that you really only eat a few items on that list?
Did you show him your fitday?
Did you write symptoms off as normal because you heard someone else had the same thing?

I said that one of the reasons why I wanted to lose weight was because I wanted to be here long enough to see my kids and future grand kids grow up.

Now, it's possible that losing weight has lowered the chances of that actually happening.

I remember when we often joked about how Kimkins didn't need that little small print disclaimer of "results not typical" on our success stories.

Perhaps she does need to put up a disclaimer that "results ARE typical" on the side effects listing!!!

If you're still doing Kimkins, as written or not... please stop for awhile and really take a look at your own symptoms. Don't glorify your "pros" list and minimize your "cons" list.

You can get those "pros" with lots of safe plans, and eliminate the cons. Just think about it. And don't ignore the promptings of your heart right now.

Can you see the flies?

2007-09-12T10:13:00.000-04:00

I need to start today's post by getting back to where my heart really is. Rooted in my Savior...

Ecclesiastes 10:1-4;12-13
As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so folly outweighs wisdom and honor.
The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.
Even as he walks along the road, the fool lacks sense and shows everyone how stupid he is.
If a ruler's anger rises against you,
do not leave your post;
calmness can lay great errors to rest.
Words from a wise man's mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips.
At the beginning his words are folly;
at they end they are wicked madness- and the fool mulitplies his words.

Kimkins to me... was my "perfume".. it was my hope and my answer... but it now has a "bad smell". No matter how many wise and honorable people are still there now... they can't outweigh the "folly" that remains.

I am unsure of Kimmer's reasons for allowing me to get back into Kimkins, and I did return there to download my journal for memory sake... but I feel very cautious and leery of this "apology" by Kimmer and will not be returning again. I know that she is angry with me, and with others who are now speaking out... and I can't leave my "post"... I need to remain "calm" and stay here... at my bench.. where my words can't be turned into something meaningless.
I do not want my words to be used like those of the fool...

Ecclesiastes 7:5-9
It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke
than to listen to the song of fools.
Like the crackling of thorns under the pot,
so is the laughter of fools,
this too is meaningless.
Extortion turns a wise man into a fool,
and a bribe corrupts the heart.
The end of a matter is better than its beginning,
and patience is better than pride.
Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,
for anger resides in the lap of fools.

I know this verse might hurt some of you... for it hurt me a few weeks ago. It's not easy to admit when we are wrong... especially when our "wrongness" was simply in listening to "the song of fools". I hope that each of you will examine your own hearts, and walk with patience... without anger... and without the laughter of fools as well.

Know this.. the beginning... is over...
this is the end... and I don't want anyone caught in the "wicked madness" that is soon to come.

No more pretending....

2007-09-07T09:02:00.000-04:00

I recently over"heard" someone saying.. "It seems like we're going on as if nothing is wrong, Isn't something wrong here?"

And it truly reminded me of something from my childhood.

This whole situation, reminds me of dysfunction in my own family when I was growing up. For those of you who grew up in perfectly normal healthy families.. you probably won't understand this post.. but to the rest of you... I'm quite certain I'm not alone in this feeling.

I remember feeling like the person who I "overheard" when I was a child.

I remember wondering why no one was talking about the obvious problem we were having.. and I even remember wanting to scream it... "HEY.. Something is WRONG here.. why are you pretending like everything is fine??"... but.. there was a strong power in the "pretend" factor in my family... and I only screamed them out in my head. But, the silence was deafening...

I remember loving the person who was causing me pain, and loving the people who ignored it and looked away when I needed them the most. And I remember grasping for the strength that the "unity" of our "pretending" gave us. I knew somehow, that IF I did get up and shout "This is wrong!!" that it would divide us... and perhaps hurt even more. So, I pretended... and hid... and wasted YEARS of my life shutting out the truth of who I was in order to protect the power of the pretend story.

I recognize that this is happening right now, and that there are lots of ADULTS who are getting stuck in the "pretend this isn't happening" mode. Even the one who is causing the pain is pretending there's nothing wrong.

I am here to tell you all, that when you get glared at for asking questions, and hushed for wondering things.... it's because it goes against the whole "pretend this problem isn't here" syndrome. Please don't let this go on. Don't allow yourself to quiet your own instincts. Don't think that speaking your mind, or asking your questions will have to mean you've betrayed someone. The truth is, that by quieting your questions, and ignoring the "red flags" that go up in your heart... you are betraying yourself. We are all grown ups now... it's time to stand up and stop being afraid. Time to stop being afraid of believing in OURSELVES. Time to stop being afraid of rocking the boat... time to stop pretending that something just doesn't feel right about this whole situation. And time, once and for all... to be responsible in a position so similar to the ones that remind us of our childhood... and be the adult who says "That's enough".

I know I wished that someone in my family would have stood up and said that when I was a child. I couldn't do it then... for I was young. But now, I am all grown up... and I won't force others to wonder why I wasn't "making it stop".

And I can stand up and say "This isn't right", and still love and be willing to help at the same time. Whether or not my "family" chooses to accept that love and help is up to them... but it doesn't change the fact that I do love them, just as my Father in heaven does.

By not pretending, you are saying that you are going to betray the secret... but that doesn't mean you are betraying the people involved. Imagine this was like when I was a child. If you had been able to prevent me from getting hurt just by speaking up and telling my family that what you had seen wasn't right? Would you have? Would that mean you were betraying the person that was hurting me? OR would it just mean that you were shining a light in the darkness? Perhaps the person that was hurting me was so deep in the dark that he didn't even know it was wrong anymore!

Just think about it okay? I know it's a different situation.. but the underlying patterns are exactly the same whether you recongize it yet or not.

I am not pretending anymore that nothing is wrong. What about you?

Feeling Light with Forgiveness

2007-09-05T14:29:00.000-04:00

I just posted this on my little message board... but I think it's important that I continue to share from my heart out here on my blog!

You can comment here.. or if you want more privacy, you can comment in on the message board. :)
Here's my post:

Have you ever stopped to think about why you feel certian things sometimes? I've noticed lately that my mood really has a lot to do with how I feel physically. When I am worried or anxious... or angry and resentful.. my stomach is in knots, my shoulders hurt and the effort to even frown seems to be too much. I "feel" fatter on days when I'm grumpy.. my pants seem to be too tight, and the image in the mirror.. with it's complimentary frown.. is not something I can be proud of. My husband and my kids can always tell right away when something is wrong with me.. dh describes my mood as "heavy".
And I recognize now.. that is part of what kept me so "heavy" for so long. I might have faked my smiles and told everyone I was fine.. and gone about my life ignoring my physical pains.. but deep inside.. I felt all these reactions to being hurt.. and staying hurt... stubbornly staying miserable.

And then.. somewhere along this journey. I discovered that people weren't something to be afraid of. People weren't something to keep at arms length away. People didn't see me they way my physical condition felt.I also discovered that the more I opened up to people.. the better I started to feel. I learned that people were glad to be around me... and people were happy to know me. And that felt good. That was the beginnings of my learning about joy.

I didn't need food to make me feel good.. I now had people in my life who read my thoughts (literally) and liked me! I remember a few pages in my Kimkins journal... when I mentioned realizing that people liked me.. and for like 2 pages.. I had people come in and just tell me that they liked me. It felt wierd at first.. but it did something inside me and it energized me and filled my heart with something more important than what I was filling my stomach with. Acceptance.
Then... somewhere along the way... I got into the whole "drama" and ended up finding out that lots of people didn't like me! (well, I guess that's kind of harsh, since those people didn't even know me...) but anyway.. they said things to me that made me feel very NOT LIKED.. and it hurt. BUT.. it didn't take away all the good stuff I had already learned. It made me feel sympathy!
I almost took that negative stuff and let it get to me. I almost let it build up in my stomach, my shoulders, my face.. my heart.... but I realized quickly how HEAVY it was making me feel. So.. I went deep into prayer.. and came back to feeling the joy that I had been taught for the past 8 months. And I discovered that JOY is much more powerful than any of those negative feelings!
so.. I dug a little deeper... and realized that the reason why the things those people said made me so upset had nothing to do with today's events. What they were saying was hurting me, because I had grown up with a fear of dissapointing others. (I'm sharing this here.. because I have a feeling that I'm not the only one!) so... thru prayer.. I let the Lord show me WHY i feared dissappointing others so much. And you know what? I found out it was because someone had dissappointed me a long time ago... and I had never forgiven that person.
So... that's what happened to me this past week. I forgave that person.. 100% completely free and clear for the way that they had dissappointed me. It was like a light being turned on in my head when I did it... a light that showed me suddenly that my fear of being hurt had robbed me of many years of relating to that person in a healthy way. And... the only way to "make up" for that... was with real forgiveness... of her.. and of myself.
Guess what... It feels so much better now! :)
I honestly feel "lighter" because of it, and my stomach isn't knotting up in response to all of "today's drama", and my shoulders are relaxed, and my face is relaxed. There is a power in forgiveness that will help us with our weight problems.. and even more so with our self esteem. Holding a grudge, subconsiously... forces us to "carry a weight" that we don't need to carry. so try it... let it go! Forgive whoever has hurt you.. and let your JOY be full! :) :)

Welcome to My Open Bench

2007-09-03T12:20:00.000-04:00

The story behind this blog: (A copy of the post on my last blog)

Today's post has been being formed in my mind for the past 2 or 3 weeks now. As some of my Kimkins friends know.. I have really been seeking the Lord's guidance, and I have been praying without ceasing. He has been giving me strength, encouragement, and now courage to do what I must do.
He gave me a vision a few weeks ago... of Kimkins as a "fast moving train"... seeing that train in my vision was scary to watch.. and then I saw myself sitting alone on a bench watching the train go by. Then people saw me there, and would come sit with me on the bench. We put up a few "signs" to tell people who were getting on and off the train that over here on my "bench" things were all about support and friendship and healing, and that the Lord was going to be with us on the bench. When I first had this vision, I felt that the Lord was telling me to stay at Kimkins, but to be more like a quiet presence of peace instead of the loud train conductor. So... that is what I have been doing. But now.. I am recognizing that the bench was NOT ON THE TRAIN!
I know that some people have seen my "signs" inside of Kimkins and they have told me that they have been touched by my presence, to them I pray that they will still look for me and try to understand this post without feeling betrayed. I also know that there are people outside of Kimkins who have been judging my actions and accusing me of blindness. To those people, I must say, that I have not had a "log in my eye"... and I have already had my heart and mind judged by the most high.. and that I have no need for their judgements or "shame tactics". I have been, and still am following the promtings of God.. and I have been waiting upon HIS timing for everything. To be honest.. in response to some of the personal attacks.. I see them as that.. attacks from Satan who knows that things like that tend to make me stubborn!!! So.. I am submitting to the Lord's will in this rather than reacting to those attacks the way that Satan wanted me to!
In case you haven't figured it out yet.. I am leaving Kimkins. I am leaving because I have learned some things that make me doubt the integrity of the founder, and because I have been used for purposes that go against my personality, my moral, and my conscience. I was decieved, and yet.. I still do not regret or doubt that the Lord called me to be there.. I simply accept now, that my work there is done.. and that the plans HE had for me there.. have been completed.
I will be starting a new blog... without the Kimkins address attached to it.. and will continue to keep my FOCUS on the work that God is doing in my life to turn me into a healthy example of HIS glory and creation. I know that He intended for me to learn a healthier way of eating.. and he his still teaching me about that. I also know that He wants to continue to use me as a witness to other hurting people.
He wants desperately to heal the INNER hurts that we have, and that takes time. I am NOT a finished work yet.... so I will go and sit on my bench now, and let God continue to reform me in His image.